


The War In My Head

by Aira_Loves_Herself



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A slow painful and silent suffering for Hyuck, Angst, Bless Chensung, But main focus is Hyuck's suffering, Chan and Donghyuck moments uwu, Cutting, Cuz I LOVE TAGGING FOR SOME REASON, Cuz that's why we're all here duh, Depressed Donghyuck, Depressing, Depression, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Gen, Guess who's crushing on Hyuck, Haechan is in NCT U btw, Haechan suffers HARD, Han Jisung our sunshine's savior, Han Jisung/Lee Donghyuck, High functioning depression, Hurt, Hyungs are assholes, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Maknaes taking the rein, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Nct still be blind but what's new?, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Protective Hyungs, Protective Mark, Protective NCT, References to Depression, Regret, Sad, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slight romance bit, Stray Kids loves Hyuckie uwu, Stray Kids made an appearance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, Triggers, We love a rare pairing, We're on chapter 10 but Hyuck has yet to meet his worse lol, Yes three units Hyuck!!!, platonic markhyuck, slight romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2019-11-07 22:03:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 41,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aira_Loves_Herself/pseuds/Aira_Loves_Herself
Summary: *Edited*Idol life is hard, especially when it feels like those who you always see as your family seems to hate you with a burning passion.So this is a really long ass ride of suffering and pain, timeline is 2019 but nothing follows the actual reality timeline.We got BlindCT and the biggest joke is that almost every SM Staff in this story is either decent or really nice. Keep an eye on the tags, I'll add as I goOh, featuring Stray Kids btw mainly 00 liners and Chan_Donghyuck has high-functioning depression and it makes him see things as not how they are_They hate him,They don't want him,Or at least,That's what his mind is telling him.Will they lose him?Or will he be saved?





	1. I'm Tired

Lately, everything is a huge mess of stress. With SMTown in Chile, concert and tour preparations, Donghyuck is surprised that he has time to even breathe.

 

There's no doubt that eveyone in NCT 127 are very excited about the upcoming event, it's one of their biggest projects ever.

But with concerts comes double-or triple at times-practice hours.

Its waking up at the crack of dawn, proceeding his schedules with Dream, Dream practices, recordings, filming, interviews, practice with 127 and if he's lucky, 2 hours of sleep before he is needed to repeat said cycle.

 

He groggily woke up and drag himself out of the comfort of his soft duvet that's begging for him to come back and finds himself sitting at the dining table, eyes straing at the still pitch black skies outside while listening to the sound of Dooyoung and Taeyong working their magic in the kitchen.

 

Mark was already there, eyes drooping as he tries to stay awake and not plunge his face down into the bowl of cereal and milk served in front of him.

 

Yuta is next to him, the Japanese has his eyes fixate on the Chinese boy next to him who appears to only poke the food placed before him. Donghyuck could hear Yuta's gentle encouragement for his Sicheng hyung to eat, it was really adorable.

 

But it always upsets him seeing Sicheng this way, two months after getting dignosed with Bullimia. He sees Johnny coming over to join them, grinning, he throws his hands open wide which basically is his own way of saying _'I want a cuddle from you'_.

 

But instead of embracing him, Johnny rolls his eyes, smirks and skips over to Mark and gives the maknae of NCT U a backhug and a small kiss on the cheek.

Mark woke right up.

Johnny and the others laugh while the youngest vocalist tried to chime along, it hurts.

 

It hurts each time they do this, they'll reject any sort or form of affection from himself yet proceeds to treat Mark like a baby. Jungwoo hops over to pinch Mark's cheeks, cooing at how cute his maknae was.

 

Haechan was about to protest that he was the maknae until he realized Jungwoo must have meant in NCT U terms. Mark whines throwing his head back with a pout. "Hyunggggsss~" and as simple as that, every hyung's eyes are locked on the young rapper.

 

Donghyuck sighs, reaching for a handfull of mixed berries and pluck himself off the chair, munching on them as he went back to his room. "Hyuck we're leaving soon!" Dooyoung had called, that's right, he had forgotten about Dream practice being moved to afternoon.

 

He quickly finish his food, appetite long died after the whole ordeal at breakfast that made his heart clenched.

 

Wasn't he the maknae? Yes he has that stupid role of 'maknae on top' to play in this unit yet sometimes it really feels like they're treating him like he actually was a devil from hell.

 

The vocalist cursed when he accidently tripped on one of the may things laid about, a string of swears escaping his lips when he lost his balance and a crash follows afterward. His head had bumped into the wooden side of the bed and is now throbbing in pain.

 

The crash had caused some of the hyungs and his roomate to come and check. "Hyuck!!" Donghyuck shakes his head, trying to make the pain go away. But his eyes registers Taeyong and Dooyoung frowning and a scowling Jaehyun.

The elder held a what he thinks is a air humidifier? "I just got this 3 days ago and you already broke it?" Jaehyun sounded mad, but Haechan doesn't blame him, he remembered it bejng quite expensive.

"Seriously Hyuck, you're so clumsy, you're a dancer for god's sake! Can't you at least try to move like one?" Donghyuck was nailed to the ground in stun. Surely this has nothing to do with how he dances?

He knows that at times he can be a klutz, it didn't sit right with him for being called out on something like dancing. He is insecure enough without side remarks.

"Come on, we're going now!" Taeil calss out, "Hyuck, this time, you'll just ride with the managers and staffs" this was news to him.

The smaller vocalist seems to shrunk in his spot once they left, his face welling up tears. They never made him or Mark ride with the staffs, Taeyong himself had insist only the hyungs take turns riding.

 

He quickly packs some things and leaves for the door, he hears their laughter and constant chatter from the first van while he has to ride with all the akwardly quiet staffs in the second van.

The ride was boring, the boring people never talked to him. And there's still that nagging feeling on his head from before. When he got out, its clear that they've gone in already, leaving him behind. Donghyuck tries not to let it bother him and quickly trots in,making his way for their usual practice room.

 

"Hyuck!" Mark calls out, they're already in position. Haechan puts down his bags and do the same.

_

"Alright! That's a wrap. Good job guys!" Taeyong exclaims, veryone seems to collapse after their last run.

 

Donghyuck plummets to the floor like it was a bed, they did all the title tracks they've released up to Simon Says and some other songs that he couldn't remember.

"Hey"

Haechan pries his eyes open, his head feels like it's being pounded ever since practice started and its now a full fledge migrane. He looks up to see Mark's concern features looming over his face.

 

"You okay?" Truthfully, it really hurts like a bitch now that he mentions it. But they have a photoshoot later with whatever that particular magazine is called.

Donghyuck smiles, "Yeah, don't worry"

_

To say he envied Mark would be the understatement of the century. Mark in his eyes, is the perfect definition of perfection itself.

 

Anyone can dare and try convince him otherwise. Although he graduated from Dream, the fact he was once in all 3 units of NCT will never be forgotten.

 

Donghyuck remembered the nights he'll see him practicing for recording in the afternoon, Dream dances in the morning and 127 in the night. He remembered the days he was everywhere, between two comebacks and a game show plus MC-ing when he could.

 

But now, he's only in U and 127, things got less harder for him to keep up with. U is barely active anyway.

Nowdays, instead of two of them racing down the halls to join another group of bandmates, there's only his thundering footsteps.

 

"Haechan hyung is finally here!" Chenle states, the boy is sitting on the wooden tiles. Clearly they've been waiting for him. "Haechan you're 15 minutes late" Renjun says, arms crossed.

But he remains quiet only giving a nod, the pain is doubling with each second. They got in position for the rountine and the rest of the grueling 3 hours passes by like a blur.

 

He remembered something among the lines of Dreamies pouncing onto each other and laughing when they were done. He was about to leave when the monitoring dance instructor called him over.

"Donghyuck, I'm quite surprise and disappointed to say that you haven't been giving your best. I expect you to focus more."

 

Although the man hadn't said anything during the practice, Heachan did saw him frowning in the corner of his eyes and is glad he's sensible enough to talk to him after everyone left rather than calling him out during practice itself.

 

But he couldn't help it, with the growing migrane and his limbs far exhausted from his 127 practice. The young boy could tell in his own reflection in the mirror that the moves he executed were sloppy and less sharper, not to mentipn he nearly tripped a couple time too. "I'm sorry hyung, I'll do better" he says, bowing before making his leave.

His phone vibrated, he picks it up. "Oh gosh! I'm sorry, I'm coming" He bolts for the stairs running down flight after flight but on the floor he intended to stop. It was like luck really isn't what he has, he tripped on the last few steps and comes crashing down.

His bottle trembles and rolls down the remaining steps, all curled up to lessen the impact.

Once he's at the bottom, Haechan can't help but let a tear escpaes, he's so exhausted and now his body aches with jolting pain all over and the fact he's still in his practice clothes covered in disgusting sweat is not helping at all.

 

But deciding he can't keep them waiting, he picks himself up and limps towards the recording studio. A very annoyed Taeyong and Mark were seated waiting for him,

 

"Sorry" He lost count at how many times already just today he had said that. Donghyuck spares them both a apologetic glance and steps into the booth. The least he could do is not mess up his recording session too, the two must have waited for a long time and he shouldn't keep them around any longer because of him.

 

Thankfully, he finished quite quickly. Taeyong and Mark were discussing something with the producers present that they didn't hear him saying goodbye.

"Goodbye hyungs" and he wasn't surprise to see them ignored him. "I love you" he voices out in a more lower volume and continues to limp his way out.

 

(He wonders if they noticed the strange way he's been walking.)

 

When he reaches the 127 dorm, he had walked in on his hyungs bickering. Dooyoung and Jaehyun are death glaring each other with words that were more more venomous that what he could comprehend being spat at each other.

 

He carefully moves to his room, it was strange. They have fights occasionally with each other, but it never got to such a serious one.

"What's with you and that stupid brat!?!"

Although in his room, he could vividly hears their argument. Brat? Were they.....arguing about him?

 

Haechan decides if he's gojng to at least rest a bit before his manager comes to pick him up for the photoshoot. He might as well try to ignore them. Still, he couldn't find peace no matter how hard he tries. 

He didn't understand why, but he cried.


	2. I'm Left in the Cold

When he finally got back from his last schedule which was some filming for an interview. It was late at night, the half moon high in the sky gleaming ever so brightly as if it's laughing at his fate.

The other Dreamies left earlier becuase he had to stay back for some extra filming, ever since he turned legal, SM has done nothing but abusing the fact he can be on camera even after the curfew he once had. 

 

He arrived at the 127 dorms in a mess, everything hurts and he's just so exhausted and ready to call it quits anf maybe sleep for the rest of the year. The manager left him at the building's lobby, the young vocalist could barely keep his eyes peeled and nearly blacked out in the elavator. 

 

Stumbling to upon the doorsteps of his dorm, he gives 3 knocks. Three weak and pathetically soft knocks to be exact, there's not an ounce of energy left in his very fiber being to even do as something as simple as knocking. Donghyuck waits, he patiently awaits the sound of footsteps and shuffling but there were none, only a long silence. 

 

Usually Taeyong would wait till everyone is in bed before he himself hits the hay, and knowing Taeyong, he would've heard him walking over from miles away and swish open the door with no knocking needed. But at that moment, Haechan only stares blankly at the door that remains shut. 

 

It didn't help that he feels like crying right away.

 

They're all asleep, he's sure of that. Haechan contemplates, he could knock harder but maybe it'll only anger them even more if he woke them up now. He sits down on the stairs and rests his head clouded with all the thoughts he shouldn't be having againts the cold railings. 

 

He didn't know which was colder, the fact he's outside with only a thin jacket as his protection from the freezing temperature or that his hyungs had forgotten he wasn't home yet. 

 

Jaehyun probably doesn't want him in their room tonight anyway, Taeyong won't look at him and neither will Taeil, Yuta and Johnny. Dooyoung has individual schedules, Sicheng isn't here, flown back to China just that afternoon and Jungwoo is with Us and frankly Haechan is pretty akward with the hyung to begin with. While Mark seems pretty annoyed with him today, but then again,

So were the rest of NCT

 

Haechan hugs himself, the tears dripping once more, for one thing, he's glad that it was so darn cold taht it numbed all of his senses to feel the heart wrecking pain blooming from within. 

Dream wouldn't want him knocking at their door either would they? 

 

He can't help but wonder, why?

What did he possibly did that caused things to turn out this way? His teasing? His clinging? He himself? Why does everyone dodges him like he's a time bomb that could blow up any second but let Jungwoo and Jaemin do as they please? 

 

Why is everyone so hard with him? Had he done something wrong without knowing? He's trying his hardest, his new schedules could almost rival Mark's. He's doing all he can to be his best and cope but why? What is it that he's lacking so badly that they must treat him like he was some nuisance when all he ever does these days was trying to help them.

 

_Because you're an annoying brat, they don't want you around_

 

Donghyuck shakes his head, who was that? He immediately denies it. No way, it....it.....that can't be true. His hyungs may not show it much, but they cared....they definitely cared and loved him and they would want him to be around.......right? 

 

He feels really pathetic, is he really doubting his own hyungs that had given him everything and more? The nerve he has to think such of them, he feels very disgusted of himself. 

 

_That's right, you're such a disgusting ungrateful little shit. You taken them for granted and now want to blame them? A freaking rotten brat is what you are._

 

Donghyuck press his ears tight, the silent cry became a full out sobbing. Lies, liar, lies, liar....he kept chanting, trying to shut that toxic little voice out. But the more he listens, the more truth he seems to find in those words. "Oh god, Lee Donghyuck. Pull yourself togther" he whispers to himself. 

 

But in the dark night with only the solitude of the corridors accompanying him. It was ridiculously hard to shut out the raging voices that taunts him in his head. 

 

Eventually he cave in to his fatigue and let the voices carries on till he falls asleep, he realized something important just before his body gave up on him, he couldn't process his thoughts any more further, leaving the last bit of info surface in his mind. 

 

That toxic voice voice was none other than his own

 

When he had woken up, he stretches his stiff limbs. Sleeping in that sitting position on the stairs may not have been the best plan and it was dumb of him. Haechan sighs, he is trully a dumbass isn't he?

 

He checks his watch, the time then was around 5 in the morning, and he had arrived here around 4 last night. Gathering himself up, he wobbly makes for the door, only noticing his shivering figure when he walks. Taeyong should be up and running by now. 

 

He knocks the door again. This time a lot harder with some regained energy. He breathes in relief when he hears the door being unlock and a surprised Dooyoung greets him. "Donghyuck! Goodness, what are you doing out there in this hour?" He was quickly pulled in. 

 

He missed the way Dooyoung worriedly glance at his slightly shivering figure with both arms around. "You're freezing! Seriously what were you thinking? I raised you better than this" The elder usher him to sit on the couch as he went to fetch a blanket.

 

But with his mind all jumbled, Donghyuck didn't read the situation right. He only saw Dooyoung getting very upset with him and now is worrying over his small problem, the youngest vocalist only stares down at his hands in guilt. A low 'I'm sorry' escaping his lips. He feels a warm soft cloth wrapped around him and a cup of hot steaming chocolate drink is held out in front of his face. 

 

Donghyuck was surprised, his head shot up to look at Dooyoung in shock but quickly adverts his gaze back to the floor and accepts the drink. He could feel Dooyoung's stare on him and it was killing him. "I'm sorry" he muttered again and just went on to block out everything around him. 

 

To say he was bewildered wouldn't exactly do, he was startled when he heard the knock and is absolutely mortified to see the younger outside only in his shirt and jacket looking like an injured animal left in a storm. 

 

His mind wanders to where the heck had he been last night because Taeyong wasn't feeling well and they had forced him to turn in early but no one bothered to stay up for Donghyuck and he is very guilty to think they had forgotten all about the youngest, but Donghyuck couldn't have spent the night outside. He must have went with Dreams. 

 

He grabs a blanket from his own room and wraps it around the smaller one, he gently helds out the cup for him to take only to see the youngest looking so dumbfound and astonished at his actions. There's a mix of feelings reflected in his eyes yet Dooyoung couldn't read them, but the way the supposedly Full Sun drops his head and mutter an almost afriad "I'm sorry"

 

He knew then and there something was up, but what could it be?


	3. I'm Disgusting right?

Dooyoung left the boy to his own company seeing that their leader had woken up alonh with Canada boy and Mr America. "Morning" Mark says with a yawn, completely unaware that he had said it in English. Taeyong rubs his eyes and smiles at the younger rapper. Dooyoung bit his lips, should he tell? 

 

But loking at how unwell the leader looked, with heavy bags under his eyes and body just barely keeping together. He decides againts it, maybe its nothing, Donghyuck would tell them if there's anything wrong. Of course, Dooyoung didn't knew then that he had never been more wrong in his whole life. 

 

"Is that Hyuck?" Mark gestures at the small lump on the couch. The small vocalist had fallen asleep still in his sitting position with the cup in his hands. "Yeah, he just came by from the Dreamies dorm." Taeyong and Johnny looks at him worriedly "In this hour-Oh my god, nobody waited for him last night!" Johnny exclaims. 

 

The colors seems to drained from the leader's face, "He stayed with the Dreamies right?" the thought of Donghyuck waiting alone in the cold corridors wasn't something he could imagine the younger should experience. Frankly he had no 8dea when Haechan should've reached home

 

" Of course, there's no way he'll stay out till morning, he's smarter than that" Mark retorts like it was the most obvious thing ever. But unknown to them, the boy in question had woken up just in time to hear their converstaion.

 

Their words kept ringing in his mind, he would laugh now and tell them he did in fact spend the night shivering while trying to get some sleep in the freezing temperature outside, that he was too afriad to bother them anymore. But wouldn't that made him sounded so freaking idiotic? 

 

_You're such an idiot Haechan_

 

He wonders if they would say more if he kept his acting on but hearing more shuffling and thumping on the floor he knew by then they probably had forgotten he was even there. Dooyoung had went to wake everyone else up, practice starts a little earlier today, again, he had forgotten something important. 

 

But right now, he's starving, having practically skipped dinner last night and he could smell the fresh pancakes from where he's sitting, his stomach slightly growling. He finds himself acting as if he's just woken up and walks over to the dining table. 

 

Yuta and Taeil chat between them, while Jungwoo is helping Dooyoung and Taeyong serving the food. Donghyuck puts his hand on Yuta's shoulder by reflex to look what's on the table when the Japanese exclaims a little "Hey!" and shakes his hand off as if Haechan was some digusting germ. 

 

He stared but somehow he wasn't surprised, but the hurt is still evidently present. He did rely on touch and skinship to cope. 

 

Jaehyun came by and takes a seat next to Mark and now there's only one vacant seat left which was next to the latecomer himself. Haechan thought about it for a whole 2 minutes, Jaehyun still looks pretty annoyed and he really wants nothing more than to not thread the anger any longer. 

 

_Don't intrude_

 

"I'm just gonna go sit there" he picks up a plate of pancakes and moves back to the couch. His back facing them, yet, no one, no one bothered to even spare him a glance. So he sat alone, silent tears sliding down his face as he quietly eats the pancake. No one turn to call him back nor did they turn to talk to him or even acknowledge he was there. 

 

"What's with the brat?" It was a common joking nickname between the hyungs to call Haechan, they meant it as an endearment towards the younger due to his supposedly clingy and annoyingly fun self. "Teenagers and their puberty" Yuta chimes in. 

 

Jaehyun only looks down on his food, he had been unreasonable with the younger yesterday, even going far as to lock the door before bed. He feels ridiculous and guilty of what he did, Haechan mattered more to him than any expensive rubbish he bought. But his pride wouldn't let himself go and apologize for it.

 

"You know you should say you're sorry, I think he still thinks you're mad at him." Taeyong says, the way Haechan glance around nervously before deciding to just sit far away from all of them like he was petrified of Jaehyun really bothers him. The behavior isn't like the maknae he knew. 

 

"I know" he mumbled, but him and Haechan are roommates weren't they? He understands, if anything, he should've understand that Jaehyun didn't mean it. 

 

"I'm worried about him" Taeyong mumbles, Dooyoung puts a hand over the other's. "Me too but it's okay, we're probably just paranoid as usual"

 

_

 

It feels like forever before practice ends, Dobghyuck had made sure to be better than the previous day and was glad that no one is glaring at him by the end of it. He sat down to rest leaning himself at Mark before actually trying to snuggle into him. 

 

"Hyuck get off!! Eww you're disgusting!!" Mark cried out, playfully pishing him away with laugh. They were both drench in sweat and bodies still radiating heat from the intense practice. But when the rapper had said it, Haechan pulls away immediately.

 

The words sinking deep into his mind like spreading poison. Mark called him disgusting, his best friend said he was filthy and did not want to be tounched by him. 

 

_See, you're disgusting!! He hates you!! Stop being such a germ, can't you see he hates you! Dirty, filthy, DISGUSTING_

 

The adjective swirls in his mind, reminding him for each passing second what was said by his own best friend. Donghyuck stood up, and he simply walks away from Mark who quickly got caught up in a convo with Taeil. But his mind feels like he's being pulled underwater and he can't fucking breathe. 

 

"Hyuck, we're going" Taeyong had called him. "I'm staying here just a bit" he replies with a smile in hope Taeyong would buy it, he had lowkey wished he did. Honestly, he could run at Taeyong and pour out all these feelings that hurt, Taeyong wouldn't push him away. 

 

_But you don't deserve it, you don't deserve shit, useless little glitch_

 

So he put on a brave face and follows his manager for his Dream scedules. He's now in his manager's car, driving towards a place for Dreamies to shoot concept photos for their own comeback. 

 

He feels himself melting on the seat, he was just so tired. How did Mark do this?? He looks at the plastic container filled with stir fried noodles. He hadn't realized that he skipped lunch until then, the hunger clawing at him, he gladly eats the food. 

 

Once arrived, the stylists practically dragged him to get makeup done and change into the clothes. By the time it was his turn, they were all already done with individual and pair shots. 

 

"We're running thin on time" so Hyuck only gets a few individual shot and is ushered to take the group shot at once. He had been so drained, so when he's needed to stand while waiting he leans and let himself drape on Jeno's back.

 

Donghyuck must say he's very much deprived of kisses and hugs, it was just the person he is, he finds perfect comfort in them. So when Jeno sighs and moves away, ultimately brushing him off, he had to pretend he wasn't hurt by it.

 

Haechan simply watches as he walks away to wait with Jaemin. But Jaemin himself had latched onto Jisung, and the youngest didn't even try to push him off nor did he showed signs of discomfort. 

 

" Hyung, try not to look like a zombie in the photos" Chenle teased, and makes a run for it. But Haechan didn't chase him, but he went to look for a mirror instead. Looking at his reflection, he gets what Chenle meant. He does look like he's a step away from death. 

 

When the shoot ended, they pile into the van and cheered when the manager said they're going to a restaurant for dinner. "You guys worked hard" is what he had said. Donghyuck snuggles into Jaemin, hoping to get yhe warmth he's been missing for weeks. 

 

But even Jaemin didn't respond, only making conversation with the maknaes. But he didn't push him away, which is enough for Donghyuck. "Hyung can you drop me at 127 first? Im not hungry, just tired" it wasn't entirely true.

 

He's beated but there's no denying the way his stomach is pleading him to eat. But Donghyuck doesn't know how much more of this akwardness he could take, the uncomfortable feeling that he's barely even there with them. The ghostly feeling that made him thinks he's some outsider. 

 

He gives the maknaes a quick kiss on their forehead before hoping off. If he had seen the way they whine and groan in protest and how Jisung stuck a tongue out in disgust, he didn't say anything about it.

 

_Was I too much?_

 


	4. I'm Such a Fucked Up

"To the world, we are NCT 127!!Thank you for tonight!!" Donghyuck smiled, the tears from their ending ment still flowing and his arms are up in the air waving at the thousands of fans that came to see them that night. 

 

It really felt like a dream come true, after all those years of his childhood spent training for this day to come. It was tiring, the preparations drove everyone crazy at some point. But they made it, they finally did. Hoping off stage, they were welcomed by cheers and clapping by all the staff members. "Good job everyone!!"

That night had been one of their biggest nights yet, and for a whole evening Donghyuck couldn't hear the taunting voices. Much too happy and tired to be reminded of them. 

 

It was 4 in the morning when he had woke up the next day, head throbbing in pain and his body shivering in an unsual coldness. Haechan shakes his head, being sick is the last thing he needs now. Suddenly, the boy feels like his previous dinner is coming to greet him again. 

 

He carefully and quietly as he could, tip toed out of the room. And races for the toilet. The moment he's in, every ounce of contend from the dinner burst out his mouth. He hacks out every bit of it till his throat is sore and everything hurts again. 

 

He feels sick, and the bathroom now reeks of the horrible stench of his vomit, Taeyong is going to kill him. He grips onto the sink and rinse his mouth. He cleans the mess, making sure everything smells like febreez again. 

 

Haechan sways his way to the living and room and drops himself on the couch, completely drained of energy. 

 

Waking up the next day, he feels less worse but every single damn thing is ticking him off in all sorts of ways. "Hyuck, can you-"

 

"What is it hyung? Can't you leave me alone?" He spats and proceeds to walk away rudely. Yuta looks stunned, Haechan is brat but never mean or disrespectful. "Donghyuck, what's that? He's your hyung"

 

Johnny heard it and obviously won't let it slide, "He sure doesn't act like one" Haechan barks back. "What the heck was that?!" Yuta practically shouted. Donghyuck rolls his eyes, he really doesn't have what it takes to deal with them at the moment.

 

"I said what I said, leave me alone!! You never cared!! Why don't you guys act like a fucking hyung for once" and he kicks one of the fold up chair near him.

Taeyong barges in with Sicheng and Jungwoo at the rise of volume. The youngest is about to storm off when a hand came in contact with his cheeks. 

 

There was a few gasps, and a pregnant silent. Donghyuck feels his senses coming back, the words he said booming back like a boomerang in his own ears. But the stinging on his cheek never left for a second. 

It was like reality just slapped him in the face. 

 

_They hate you, you're done for_

 

"Yuta what the hell!?!" Taeyong shouted at the other, Jungwoo runs to check on Donbghyuck. His hands gently touching the injured cheek, "You heard what he said! If he's gonna start being a fucking disrespectful shit, don't think I wouldn't do anything about it!"

 

"Hyuck? Hyuck? You with me?" Jungwoo asks but Haechan simply stood frozen, his vision black and his ears could only pick up what Yuta is saying and nothing else. Comfirming all the thoughts he's been fighting off for the past few weeks. 

 

_You fucked up!! YOU'RE A FUCKED UP!! WHO THE FUCKING HELL YOU THINK YOU ARE!!_

 

"And you think its okay to use violence?!?! Get it in your head that you just **HIT HIM** Yuta!!! I'm pissed too but what you did was unacceptable" Johnny adds, fury clear in his voice. Yuta paused, he knew he's short tempered and he snaps easily but it was true, he went too far this time.

It was and will never be okay to hurt any of his bandmate even if it was on impulse, more so someone younger than himself. 

 

"I.....oh god" Donghyuck never lift his gaze from the floor, he's terrified that if he does, he couldn't stop the tears. He's tired, irritated, frustrated and confused, and with all the words swirling and attacking his every insecurity in his head. It was too much, he could handle being an idol but not this, whatever this is.

 

He carefully peels Jungwoo away from fussing him and gathers his now almost non existent courage to look up. "Its okay hyung" he mouths, desperately trying to mask the fear in hsi voice. "W-what?"

 

"You didn't mean it, I was being a rotten asshole, I deserved that. I'm sorry hyung" he bows and smiles at Yuta. "No, it..its not okay....I shouldn't-"

 

"Hyuck, I'm angry and disappointed that you were really rude but there's nothing you could've done to make you deserve that okay? Don't ever.....say that" Johnny says, he was dumbstruck when the words were said, it didn't sound like something their playful maknae would say, but their maknae hadn't been acting his usual self these days to begin with.

 

"Okay hyung" its funny and Haechan would snort at how easy it is to lie.

 

"Haechan! I'm...... sorry" Yuta called out, Donghyuck nods and smiles. A low whisper to himself "Don't be"

 

He left the dorm immediately after, the Dreamies aren't in so no one is at their dorm. He fumble with the front door lock and steps in, running straight to his old shared room with Mark.

It's only his now, Mark doesn't stay with them anymore. 

 

He sits on the bed and cries, he let all the build up tears fall and crumble. He feels this burning ache yet he couldn't make it go away, it hurts so bad. And the voices are so loud. Haechan buries his face deep into his pillow and screamed with all his might. He's terrified, they obviously hate him now. 

 

Will they kick him out? Or just keep him so that he could suffer more? Is that why everyone steers away from him? Had he been causing problems for them without knowing? Did he made them uncomfortable with his continuous skinships and clinging? 

 

So many What if's and Did he's, and so many scenarios and snippets of memories to prove each one right. He was such fucked up, how had he been to blind to see that? They don't want him, they hate him. 

 

They'll be so much happier without him.

 

The massive surge of emotions drove him to an edge and he fell asleep. 

 

-

 

The slight tapping of foot snapped him out of his daze, Haechan rubs his eyes and sees Jeno at the door. "Huh?" Confused, why was-

oh, the little thing with 127 hyungs, it didn't matter, he had to stay with Dream due to upcoming schedules for comeback preperations anyway.

 

"Hyuck, I'm going bowling with the other kids." 

Jeno briefly says and dissappears from his sight. Haechan stared, he couldn't produce any words to say or move an action. He feels empty and hollow within

 _'I could dissappear and they would throw a party to celebrate it'_ getting up. He prepares to go for his own schedules. 


	5. I'm So Pathetic

Donghyuck hesitantly sat down, he listens to the roaring laughter and screaming around him. Group dinner nights are usually hectic, and he used to be part of said havoc.

He loves to jump onto someone's back randomly or discreetly put salt into their drinks and burst into fits of laughter with the others when the prank succeeded. 

 

It was the first time they're having a group dinner-at 127's drom as usual-without Kun, Winwin and Lucas. But even with three members absent, it didn't lessen the chaos. 

 

Donghyuck watches as the maknaes going around annoying Dooyoung and Taeyong when they're trying to prepare the food. Johnny and Taeil trying to get the 00 liners to sit down, Mark already long given up trying to control the Dreamies is joining them instead. 

 

Jaehyun and Yuta are helping the moms prepare the table. Donghyuck finding it akward to just stand at one corner carefully sits down. Orbs scanning the place, he wishes he could chime in but he really shouldn't. Honestly, why is he even here?

 

He saw Yuta and Jaehyun coming near him, probably to hand him the utensils. He adverts his gaze, they most definitely hate him the most among all of the members. "Hyung watch out!!" A ball came flying and nearly knock into Yuta.

 

But since Yuta dodged it, it hit Hyuck instead.

 

And it wasn't just any ball, it's one of those hard leather basketball. Haechan whimpers, hands coming to live and grabbing his left cheek. It hurts like a bitch.

 

 _Stupid, you can't even dodge a ball? Pathetic_  

 

"Haechan! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry!" Jeno exclaims, Johnny quickly moves to the young vocalist, pulling away his hand to see the wound. "Its okay, I'm fine"

 

_I deserved that, can't even dodge a freaking ball......I'm so useless._

 

Jaehyun who still owns some braincells, had already gone to get a first aid kit. Johnny grimaced when he sees the red bruising on Donghyuck's cheek, had he always been so easily bruised?

 

Donghyuck froze when Jaehyun stood in front of him and opens the first aid kit, "Its okay hyung, it's nothing" but Jaehyun doesn't listen but instead sighs and rolls his eyes, completely tired of him bullshitting nonsense. Obviously, he knows a bad wound when he sees one.

 

He takes a wet wipe to clean away a bit of blood stain, Donghyuck shuts his eyes and bits his lips. "I'm sorry..." he whispers, "What?" Jaehyun asks, he takes a cotton bud and gently dabs on ointment. Donghyuck doesn't respond, merely sitting still and letting the hyung do what he wants. 

 

_See you're such a trouble,it's only a small wound, are you really bothering them with something as insignificant as that?! Stop being a burden dammit!_

 

He bites down on his lips harder to prevent the tears from falling.

"Does it hurts that bad?" Yuta asks, worry spiked in his voice yet Donghyuck only hears the Japanese saying a harsh remark about his inability to bear a small injury. A seething pain coils him like an angry snake ready for the kill, hadn't he done enough damage already? 

 

"Its just a little scratch Hyuck, don't be such a drama queen!" Renjun taunts him playfully with a hand slapping his shoulder. "Haha.....okay....right" he did his best to laugh at the comment, but it only rub salt into the wound. "I'm okay"

 

"Woah what happened?" Chenle asks, "Jeno hit Hyuck with a basketball" and Jaemin is immediately tackled downby the mentioned culprit. "He did what?!" Taeyong still in his apron and oven mitts came racing into the dining room searching for the injured vocalist.

"BY ACCIDENT!!"

 

"Hyuckie are you okay?? Aigoo look at you...." the leader caress the younger's cheek covered by the bandage. Haechan however only hears mocking and brutal teasing the entire time, it was like all he could see were sneering and them laughing at his pathetic self. "I'm okay" _please leave me alone_

 

Dooyoung shakes his head, but he can't help but feel like something is wrong. Donghyuck sitting there unmoving without a word and his eyes void of the bright emotions that he's well known for, it gave him a sickening feeling of uneasiness. 

 

He has to say he didn't miss the way Donghyuck had distant himself away from them, he speaks less and less and no longer latch onto them like the baby koala they knew he is-or _was_. 

He doesn't bicker back in that playful childish manner he always does to get his way nor does he asks for the most simplest and random things like _'Hyung I want that hoodie'_ or _'can I have a pen hyungie?'_ which was a habit they known he had since he stumbled into their lives.

 

But this Haechan is an entirely different person, there were some ocasions where he saw the younger almost initiating skinship but frightfully stopped himself and the terrified look he wore sets him off. It wouldn't hurt to pry a bit right?  _Maybe later......_

 

"Hyuck you good??" Mark asks, he too didn't fail to notice the growing quietness. "Yes, why?" The smile displayed didn't look right at all, it was tired and strained, unfit for the FullSun.

"Nah its just that.....you're so.....nevermind. Forget I said anything" Mark replies a hand scratching the back of his head. 

 

Haechan looks down, he couldn't meet Mark's or anyone's gaze. He didn't deserve them, they were holding up with him for so long. Haechan sees Mark's hand resting on the table, oh how he missed having it wrapped around his own with Mark's warmth comforting him.

 

Maybe just maybe......his best friend doesn't hate him like the rest?

 

Donghyuck reaches out a hand to place it on the elder's, his hand now hovering over Mark's, he feels a tremendous wave of fear of rejection and disgust.

He hesitated, Haechan slowly lowers his hand only for Mark to srping up from his seat and rush towards teh Dreamies playing some weird made up game. 

 

Haechan pulls back his hand, ignoring his crippling with self loath being breaking apart. When everyone sat down to dig in, Haechan takes three bites and stops because he feels nausea and discreetly push the food on his plate to the two he's sat in between.

 

"Hyuck, you're done?" He nods at his leader, smiling through the ache "I'm really tired, goodnight hyungs, goodnight guys" he slips out of the warm dorms of 127, he had felt like an unwanted outsider the entire time and it's driving him mad. 

 

The Dream dorm feels bare and cold, and with how he feels. He couldn't sleep a wink at all. He laid on the bed alone, well alone with his loud mind. His loud and self destructive mind that seems to grow more and more aggressive each passing second. 

 

The proofs of its statements are starting to show its truthfulness, Haechan wonders one to many times how he had let his own mind hurt him. 

 

His phone vibrates, "hello?" A familar grunt came from the other side. "Where are you kid? Don't waste my time" Donghuck paled, his variety show filming.

"10 minutes, I'm on my way" the managers are busy so there are times random staff members are to see that he follows his schedule. 

 

His eyes still red from crying and his body agonizing at the insufficient nutrient, Donghyuck slipped into something simple but presentable and makes a run for the company building. He could clearly see the lady was fuming with annoyance. 

 

"I'm sorry" her gaze soften after having her eyes laid on his current state. "Lets just go" it was only 3am. It's going to be a long night.


	6. I'm Really Tired

Dooyoung breathes in relief when he's out of camera shot, the vocalist slump down on one of the chairs in their dressing room. The event drained a lot of his energy, each performance has 2 runs of rehearsals and the actual stage. 

 

He had two songs with U and 3 songs with 127 meaning he had danced 15 times on stage today and he's beated and there's the Black on Black stage later.

 

He laughs when his eyes caught Taeil looking like a dying cat trying to breathe, Johnny and Taeyong gojng around patting everyone's head for doing a great job. 

 

"Alright!! Who's ready for our next perfromer? Give it up for NCT Dream!!" One of the MC for that concert event, Ten exclaims. 

 

Taeyong feels proud that even the foreign members are getting MC offers, Ten was amazing the entire time. But then he processed what was stated, NCT Dream? But-Looking around, he finally realized Donghyuck isn't with them. 

 

They had just finished Cheery Bomb, Regular and Simon Says, Hyuck must be exhausted. How is he not aware that their performance are right after each other? "Did Haechan immediately went to Dream after we got down?" 

 

He looks at Mark for a response, "I think so. Its too bad, we used to do that together but now its just him" Yuta looked alarmed. 

 

"Exactly after ours?" Taeyong nods. "Come to think of it, our performances had never been coordinated to be right after each other....." Taeil says. 

 

"How many stages is he doing?" Dooyoung suddenly asks, although his use of tone made it sounded like a demand more than anything. 

 

It finally dawns that he hadn't actually see the younger sticking around the dressing rooms for more than a few minutes before he's rushed to standby. 

 

Taeyong feels stunned, his mind blank without an answer to the question, usually he would try to memorize the number of performances they do, especially the Dreamies ' but not today. 

"I.....don't know..." he knew he was told by the managers once, but he can't seem to remember. Mark did a quick calculation and the others couldn't help but worry at how the rapper turn pale.

"9.....he has nine stages, 3 with us, another 3 with Dream, the opening just now, Black on Black later and a collab stage later for a special millennium liners performance."

 

Dooyoung almost could feel the trapdoor opening from beneath him. The number 9 swirling in his head

 

9 stages......

2 sets of practice runs to go with each of them......

27......

 

The monitor lit up showing Dream in thier starting position. Showing the maknae that never fails to shine. 

 

"-next stage, we go up!!" 

 

Haechan sang with all his might, but it was clear to anyone that he looks like abosolute mess. The makeup artists didn’t get much time to fix his appearance. 

 

He was pulled to the Dream Dressing room as soon as he got down, an assigned male staff had quickly change him while he was still catching hia breath. 

 

And be fore he knows it, ear piece in, mic fixed. And he is once hit by the shining light that illuminates the stage. 

 

The screams of his fans thundered and hollered in his ears but unlike how he usually feels which was a burst of confidence, it was making him mad. 

 

Everything is too loud and happening too fast, the world around him seems to move like a blur.

 

He feels sick and his head continues to pound as if he's being compressed. 

 

Haechan fights his mind like he nver had before, numbing the already to agonizing pain that's continues to spread. 

 

But with his facade, no one would've guess the way his mind is racing a million kilometers per second.

No one would've even thought he's holding back a breakdown, that he could just fall on his knees and scream out his exhaustion and tears. 

 

 _'One more....just one more....'_ the Dreamies are ushered off and once again he was shoved to follow the staffs to another dressing room along with the other 00 liners this time. 

 

"Hey guys!" Felix greeted them, Hyunjin skips over to welcome Jeno, Jisung and Seungmin are still getting their makeup done. "NCT in da HOUSE!!" They could hear Sanha shouts and Soobin's hysterical laughter from the other cubicle. 

 

"Too bad the guys from The Boyz can't make it" Jaemin comments. Donghyuck hums, but his body quickly falls on one of the couches. He's just so freaking tired. 

 

"You okay Hyuck? Looking a lot paler for a sun kissed princess" Jisung says, but there's a slight concern in his voice. 

 

The fellow singer looks about ready to just sleep for a thousand years, his eyebags that looked like a good rival to Chan's, eyes glazed with exhaustion. 

 

Everything about him screams overworked. 

 

"M'fine" he picks himself up and drags himself to the changing cubicle. But it was so hot and his limbs felt so weak Donghyuck swayed a bit too hard and knock himself at the door. 

 

"Haechan? What was that?? Is there something wrong" He hears Soobin asking from the other side but he remained quiet

 

It wasn't even his members who heard and were concern. 

 

_They don’t care, can't you see, this is the proof they hate you_

 

"Yeah, clumsy me haha"


	7. I'm Going Mad

It was a bright sunday morning, Donghyuck woke up to screaming-Chenle's screaming if we're being specific-raking through his head, he was surprised to remember that today is his off day after nonstop of continuous schedules for the past three months. 

 

But it didn't help with his sudden migraine and nausea, Haechan got up with a groan and lazily walks to the bathroom. It felt like something is itching to get out of his throat but there's nothing for him to puke out. 

 

Haechan shuts the door, strips off his clothes and turns on the shower, his body relaxed when the cold water hits. He feels oddly exhausted although last night was the most sleep he's ever gotten in months. 

 

Donghyuck sat on the bathroom tiles under the shower, the stinging in his head had lessen but it didn't completely subside.

 

What's wrong with me? 

 

After what felt like forever, he gets up to finish cleaning and dries himself. He dressed himself, and sat on his bed, everything feels so uncomfortable and it irks him. 

 

"Hyuck, Jaemin is sick and the kids want breakfast. Renjun already left so you're our only hope unless you want the maknaes to cook-" but the last part got him shooting up and sprinting towards the door. "Jisung, Chenle I swear to god, don't you dare!!" He exclaims.

 

He arrived in the nick of time, they were wearing thier mischievous smirks, Chenle holding pancake mix and Jisung holding two eggs in each hands. "Put those down now" The two whines but complies, except Jisung accidentally dropping the eggs wasn't part of the plan. 

 

Donghyuck could feel his irritation building up seeing the mess, Jisung sweats nervously and Chenle is about to laugh it off when the eldest vocalist snapped. "Look what you did?! For fuck sake its 6 in the fucking morning, can't you save your shitty crapping up later?!?!" 

 

His skin burns and a tornado is probably going on in his head while he feels like molten lava is being poured onto him, in other words Donghyuck is not by any means having it. 

 

The two maknaes grew stone cold in their spot at the anger being thrown, the demonic scowl on the hyung's face now scaring them. "I-I-I’m so-sorry" Jisung stutters out, Jaemin and Jeno rushes into the kitchen at the ruckus, the scream had traveled the entire dorm loud and clear.

 

Jaemin who's pale and face slightly red from fever, glared at Haechan. Jeno however wasn't having it as much as Donghyuck is, "What the hell hyuck?!" he lashes out. "I-I-I dro-dropped the e-eg-eggs" Jisung quickly admits. 

 

That only adds fuel to the fire, "Seriously? What is wrong with you? I wasn't here but he sure as hell didn't do it on purpose!! Just cause you're streesed doesn’t mean you can take it out on them!" 

 

Donghyuck grew quiet, his mind trying to process what just happened. "H-hyung-" but he turn his heels and runs to his room, the door slammed shut with a click of lock. 

 

Silence engulf them, Chenle cuddles the maknae, "Its okay, I'll go out and buy something for us" Jeno says and usher them back to their rooms. 

 

"Why is he acting like that?" Jaemin asks suddenly, but there's no anger in his eyes anymore, only concern and curiosity. "Honestly, beats me. He needs to get himself sort out, he shouldn't yell at them that way" 

 

_

Behind the closed door, Donghyuck gripped onto his hair, doubles over while pressing his forehead into the floor. 

 

_Why? why? why? why? why? why the fuck? what the fuck? What's the actual fuck is wrong with me? What was that?_

 

It felt like his emotions are out of control along with his mouth, and maybe his mind too because suddenly he feels an itch to feel something, anything to ground himself, to give him a sense of control. And the first thought he had was to shove his nails deep into the skin on his arm.

 

_What the fuck am I doing?!_

 

The stinging came immediately but so was the grasp of reality, Haechan feels like he could breathe at last and dug his nails deeper. It was crazy, he must be mad to use pain of all things but it gave him so much control.

 

By the time he had calmed fown, there's bits of blood on his fingertips plus red cresent scars all over his arms. Haechan stared blankly at the floor while still on his knees, all he could feel was a sudden numbness. 

 

_Why....what...._

 

"What the hell is happening....." he mumbled, wanting so badly to cry but no tears would come. It was like his emotions are going all over the place and staying put at the same time. 

 

And with that burning sensation in his head returning, he feels really ligtheaded. Donghyuck feels so exhausted dealing with his stupid emotions, without another second. His head hit the floor and he's out like light. 

_

 

It wasn't long before he woke up sweating, Donghyuck gets up, the memories from a few hours prior coming back to him, suddenly it felt like he was splashed with icy cold water which followed by a hit of migrane.

 

_That's right fuck up, you've done it again!_

 

He meekly exits the room with wobbly legs, eyes quickly going to the bundle of orange and green hair, Heachen bits his lips, feeling hesitant to approach the two maknaes. 

 

_Turn around, leave. Or maybe go do them a favor and dissappear, they don't want you here,you fucking hurt them._

 

He didn't need to because the moment he takes a step backwards, the two snapped their heads back to look at him at the sound. Haechan froze, eyes going to the floor.

 

_You can't even do that? Are you that hopeless? Oh yeah, YOU ARE_

 

"H-hyung" He hears Jisung calling him, Donghyuck shuddered but muster his strength and move close enough so that they may hear him "Hyung is sorry, Hyung is.....so....so..sorry" Donghyuck only noticed he was crying when a tear had dropped onto his collarbone.

 

_YOUR SCARS IDIOT!! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING ASSHAT!! PATHETIC STUPID_

 

He remembers the scars and pulls down his sleeves before wiping away his tears, feeling absolutely pathetic of himself. But he didn't expect what came next. 

 

Suddenly two pair of arms are around him, they held him closely with so much gentleness and care that he immediately thought of how long he hadn't felt this, how much he had wanted someone to just cradle him and tell him everything will be alright.

 

He couldn't hear the voices anymore.

 

The two pulls the crying elder to sit on the couch, not once letting him go. "Hyung, you're burning really bad" Chenle had said, Haechan’s skin burns like flames against his touch.

 

Donghyuck doesn't understand, why? Why are they like this? He had unconditionally yelled at them, do they not hate him too? Don't they think he doesn't deserve this? 

 

Jisung rest his head on Donghyuck's shoulder while Chenle went to get water and cloth for him. Haechan wordlessly lets the maknaes do as they please, completely confused out of his mind.

 

But the way Chenle rubs the wet cloth on his neck and collarbone and his head with Jisung's arms around him feels like heaven. "Hyung...." he looks up to Jisung, the maknae’s eyes filled with worry and love.

 

"Hyung, you're not okay, what's wrong?"

 

Donghyuck had no idea how long he had longed someone to ask him that, but never did he ever thought the two only dongsengs he has are the ones to do it. But even then, he figures it's useless, how can he tell? 

 

"I'm just stressed....and a little sick....that's all" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the heck, why am I getting so many kudos for this shitty crap? I don't deserve y'all
> 
> Hold on to your tissues, maybe two or more chapters of Hyuck suffering before we go into saving him kay?
> 
> I swear, he's my bias and I love him


	8. We're Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to give Hyuck a quick break

"I think there's something wrong with hyung" was the first thing Jisung said the moment Chenle and himself enter their room. "You think? Sung, I KNOW there's something bothering him. Haechan hyung hadn't been himself for a while......"

 

"You noticed too?" Chenle snorts, "I love Mark hyung and all but if I were to pick a fav hyung, I'll pick Haechan hyung, hyung is literally the best" Jisung chuckles at how Chenle's cheeks were tinted with pink when he said it, he too flushes before answering "How about that? Same!" They jump on the bottom bunk while laughing.

 

"But about hyung, its really odd right? He never yells at us, ever. Even that one time we dyed his white socks neon green" Chenle adds. "I'm worried, you think Jeno and Jaemin hyung noticed?" Jisung asks.

 

"I'm not that sure, but it really looks like they don't" Jisung leans against Chenle's chest. "Hey lele?"

 

"Hmm?" 

 

"Do you think, we went overboard with the teasing?" Jisung asks, Chenle gives it a thought, they do tend to be unconditionally ruthless with the jokes at times, so they sometimes get too carried away. 

 

The 'No one accepts Hyuck's love' joke was a favourite between them, fans seems to enjoy it too, mostly because it's hilarious and Haechan's reactions are always priceless. 

 

But recently, there's no more dramtic gasps or walking away to sulk anymore. Haechan would awkwardly laughs and smiles-Now that he thinks about it, the smiles were quite strained- and resumes to his unsual quiet self, only talking when needed and being uninvolved with whatever they're doing. 

 

(Chenle knew there was this one time when Jeno turns around to coo at Renjun completely ignoring Haechan who was told to say 'I love you' at him. 

Something flashed on the vocalist's face, genuine hurt, but it happend so fast that he dismissed it.)

 

"Maybe, I might just be imagining things but.....he does look.....really upset when we do it...." he feels a sudden guilt tug on his mind, "No, I think you're spot on" Jisung says, his own regrets laced in his voice. "He doesn't try to hug or kiss us anymore...." he adds.

 

Chenle sighs, "Do we do something?" Jisung asks, Chenle then wraps an arm around the younger and pulls him onto his lap, his nose nuzzling the back of Jisung's head. "We'll see"

 

_

 

Jisung carries Haechan's sleeping figure bridle style into his and Chenle's room and gently laid the hyung on the soft duvet, he had fallen alseep on the couch after a while. Chenle went to fetch a new bowl of cold water for Haechan. 

 

He looks at the hyung, over the weeks, he looked so out of place. The bags under his eyes had worsen and he always looks like he just got back from a 10 km marathon. Jisung places a hand on Haechan's forehead and frowns at the stinging heat. 

 

He hadn't had the slightest idea why but he just wants to cry out loud, his hyung looks like a ghost awaiting its death that already happened. The way he had trembled seeing them, his eyes screaming in panic as he apologise to them. 

There's no life in his voice, only broken shards of what he once was, the sun had long set to an eternal night, yet they only noticed it when the damage was done.

 

"Here, we'll give him these when he wakes up. Can you help me take off his shirt?" Jisung who snaps his head at the Chinese boy, instantly went red at the request. "W-what?" 

 

Chenle wasn't any different,"Take of his shirt, he's burning up." his cheeks burning as he says it. "Why m-me? Why ca-can't you d-do it?" 

 

"Cuz I'm embarrassed!" the other whisper yelled, Haechan shifts and groans in his sleep. "Or you know what? Leave it. Just......help me massage him with this would you? We need to cool down his body temperature" Chenle hands Jisung a cloth. 

 

The youngest dips it in the cold water and squeeze out the excessive water, he then takes a deep breath and hitch up Donghyuck's shirt to rub the wet cloth around his body. _'Come on, it's not like you've never seen him only in his underwear'_ Jisung says to himself when he feels the heat on his face. 

 

But what's underneath that shirt was not sight that he would've thought to see, Haechan was smaller and shorter than him, but this is beyond what's considered as healthy. He could actually feel his ribs and the very prominent collarbone. It was scary and Jisung nearly cried, Chenle did.

 

Jisung was startled by the sudden choke of a sob, "W-what happ-" but he didn't need an answer when he saw what Chenle saw. He was so busy agonizing at how horrible his hyung body looked taht he missed the way Haechan's arms that were littered with little crescents of wounds that were clearly bleeding before by the looks of it. 

 

It explains nicely about the tints of brick red along his sleeves. 

 

"Lele....." Jisung calls him, "Did we cause this? Jisungie, did we made him hurt himself?" The vocalists finds himself backing away from the bed, his hands covering his mouth to muffle his sobs. "No..no....." but it was like his own voice was lying to him. "Its okay, we'll fix this" Jisung says, "They're shouting again" 

 

Jisung pulls Chenle to hug him, "S-Sungie....I can't, what if we're, what if I'm the problem? I took it too far right?Gosh what is wrong with me? Not now......why now?...not now....not now..." he continues to ramble and sob.

"Shhh.....deep breaths......in on 1 2 3 4 and out, 1 2 3 4 and out......"

 

Jisung had gotten used to helping Chenle with his anxiety attacks, and vice versa when Jisung's trauma of 'loud shoutings' triggered his panic attacks. "Its okay......you're okay.....we're okay....."

 

"Hyung isn't"

 

"We're going to help him" they sat on the floor together till Chenle's anxiety calmed down. "M'tired ....." the two maknaes of NCT carefully climbs onto the bed, squishing themselves to fit in the bottom bunk. They find themselves sleeping while hugging their hyung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see anything specific happening, pls let me know 
> 
> If it fits in the storyline, I'll reconsider it


	9. I'm Nothing

When Donghyuck had woken up, he was shocked to feel two pair of arms around him, both boys still deep asleep. Donghyuck could feel his heart races, this warmth that he had longed to receive for a while, it feels so nice but there was that nagging feeling tugging. 

 

He didn't deserve this, they're probably doing it out of pity.

 

Every nice feeling he had felt before vanished, only a stinging pain was left. Donghyuck carefully gets up and peels himself away from them. His head feels better, he must not be sick anymore. He carefully leaves the bed, not wanting to wake the two younger ones. 

 

His eyes caught the sight of medicine left for him, and the bowl of water with cloth still present. His heart almost wants to believe that they had cared, but Donghyuck doesn't even know what 'care' even looks or sounds like anymore. He gulps down the medicine and rummages through the desk to leave a note. 

 

He sees the clock is at 1 in the afternoon, he must have slept through the morning hours. Haechan leaves the maknae's room, the dorm was awefully quiet. Nobody except the three of them must be there, he thought of going for practice. 

 

It wasn't like he had anything better to do, he shouldn't waste time and keep up with the rest, here were a few songs that could use some polishing. He changed into new clothes that were more fitting for dance practice and was reaching for the doorknob, only for the door to the three 00 liners. 

 

Jaemin is cacooned in scarfs and jackets with both Renjun and Jeno on each of his side. "Hyuck...." just by the way Renjun had awkwardly looked away, Haechan knew the other two ksut have told him. "Guys.....I'm sorry for....earlier.....I apologized....." he says, but he could not look at them in the eye. 

 

Jeno who wore a lowkey but firm glare soften his gaze, but before any of them could add anything Donghyuck gives them one quick wide smile and pushes pass them. "I'll be back later!!" He shouted and just like that, gone from their sight. 

 

_

 

He had reached the room and started going over a few 127 songs around 2 o'clock, now he pants heavily while steadying himself with his arms against his reflectiin in the mirror, the clock on the walls shows 5:45 p.m.

 

The scorching heat was back and the cold air conditioner breeze stings against his burning skin, he had refilled his bottle at least two times. But he can't think straight with his head fuzzy from exhaustion, dizziness and a sudden nausea all mixed in one. 

 

It had been what? Nearly 3? 4? hours of dancing with seconds of rest in between. The lightheaded feeling is very much convincing him that he's going to faint, wasn't he supposed to eat lunch? Strangely, he couldn't feel his hunger till then.

 

_You're such a mess, you can't even handle something as small as this? Seriosuly? How the fuck did you debuted?!?!_

 

The voices continues to yell at him, at some point even those grew hazy in his hearing. But it was too hard to comprehend, he feels so overwhelmed with all these things yet, why does it feels like he's not there? Like he's not even existing right there. 

 

_You're nothing you're nothing you're nothing you're nothing you're nothing you're nothing you're nothing_

 

_I'm nothing_

 

He feels like.......nothing, but then again he's also ran over by all those other feelings. Haechan drops to the floor, his cheeks hitting the concrete tiles. When did everything had started to spin? What's happening? 

 

Haechan didn't realized the pool of tears forming, nor does he hears his own broken sobs and spontaneous plead for help that's escaping his lips without his command. The only thing he hears is a repeating chant of, 'I can't do this' and 'what the fuck is wrong with me' in his head. 

 

It was minutes later he was able to gather himself up, body aching, throat dried and stomach clawing with hunger. He sat by himself, trying to think at where it had all went wrong? How did things had gotten so bad? 

 

Maybe he was seeing things? Exaggerating small irrelevant problems just so he could have someone else to blame on? It was like a bullet after another, a never ending stabbing of guilt and disgrace. 

 

Hyuck looks at the colourful mess scattered on his body. With his sleeves hitched up, it's easier to see the bruises from falling and messing up the choreo, a similar picture on his legs. 

 

It feels......assuring to see them, a sign that he payed for each mistake that he had made, a twisted way of self punishment but Donghyuck calls it justice. "They must have regretted having me here....." he mumbles, all the while song after song was playing in the background, so many voices to acompany him, but he's still fighting alone.

_

 

Jisung wakes up with a yawn, he rubs his eyes and turns to look at Donghyuck only to see an empty spot, he shakes Chenle awake. "Hyung left" he says, "Ah...what?....Oh"

 

He frowns slightly but perks up seeing a paper that's definitely wasn't there before, _"Thanks for the medicine, Hyung loves you two babies <3 <3"_ Jisung reads it quietly to himself before proceeding to giggle like some highschool girl. "Woah what is that?" 

Chenle snatches the paper and too showed an almost similar reaction.

 

The clock shows 3:25 p.m.

 

They got out of bed and marches out to see Jeno feeding Jaemin medicine. "Wakey wakey maknaes, how's morning nap?" He asks while still trying to get Jaemin to eat the medicine. "Meh, where's Haechan hyung?"

 

"Left a couple hours ago, looks like he's going to practice" Renjun came out of nowhere and said. The two frowns, "Practice? It's his day off?" Chenle questions. "I supposed he can do whatever he wants, he's a grown man now. Let him live" Jeno says. 

 

"But....hyung is sick, he has high fever. Surely that's obvious?" The three let themselves wander back, he did look slightly off but not sick-sick kind of off. "No, could've-well, he did, fooled me" Jaemin adds. 

 

"That boy, he won't be practicing for long. I bet he's in the 4th song halfway and gets bored, starts looking for the 127 hyungs to annoy." Renjun exclaims. "But Donghyuck hyung isn't like that......" Jisung mutters to himself. 

 

Having been together since SM rookies, Jisung always admire the hyung's hardworking nature. He remembers needing someone to drag Hyuck hyung out of the practice room otherwise he'll keep practicing till his limits. 

 

Sure, the habbit got toned down after debuting, things got more tiring after all. And not to mention, Haechan often whines for water breaks every two runs of the same song and would latch onto someone and refuses to let go thus prolonging their breaks.......oh

Its been a long time since he had done that as well......

 

The two maknaes decides to kill time with playing video games on the television with Jaemin nestled on the couch, Renjun and Jeno playing on their phones. 

 

The door slams open hours later and a weak looking main vocalist stumbles in, hands needing to use anything around him for support because he can't feel his legs. "Hyung!" Haechan flinched and stiffs up when Chenle came flying at him. 

 

"Hyuck?! What the hell?! What happened to you?!?" Jaemin jumps out of his blankets and pillows and move closer to the slightly older male. "You're burning again" Chenle said with a frown. Haechan took a full 15 seconds to process what was said and asked. 

 

"Oh...um...practicing? Mayhaps I got carried away?" He tried smiling, but even faking is harder now. "Did you even had lunch?" 

 

"Yes"

liar

"Sorry again about this morning, I really didn't know what came over me. I swear it won't happen again"

 

"Hyung it's okay. Its not a big deal" but it is, it is a massive deal to Donghyuck. "Wanna play?" Jisung pats the spot next to him, Haechan looks at him in shock. "I....can?" He whipers but it goes out loud anyway. "Of course.....why would you ask that?"

 

_Get the fuck out of there you pest!_

 

Haechan laughs nervosuly, "I just thought since I'm really annoying and all-but no thanks Sungie. I'm just gonna go and rest" he quickly retreats to his room before more questions were asked. 

 

But his words lingered in the other five's mind, a bit more info and they could've already put 2 and 2 together. 

 

_'He thinks....we all feel.....annoyed of him...?'_


	10. I'm Unwanted

Donghyuck shudders in the cold, it was too early or late? He hadn't gotten any sleep so he couldn't tell. He had late night filming again and is finally back, only to find out history had repeated itself.

 

Dreamies are obviously all asleep, so he couldn't go back to the Dream dorm so he heads for 127's dorm, but he guesses they never check their phones or they don't want him in, his mind is believing the latter. 

 

He had more decent clothing on, padded coat and a cap but it was still freezing like the Nort Pole out there. Haechan sat down at the spot he sat the other day, his watch showing 4:00 a.m.

 

That last show drained him, it's not that he doesn't enjoy that he's getting a lot of guesting calls but it was so tiring. Donghyuck hugs himself, his limbs screaming help after all the stress he's put on it. He wants to sleep but decides againts it, he shoves his hands into his face and bawls out his eyes.

 

He was so insignificant that it was so easy to forget him, to throw him away. This group has 20 members excluding him and counting, if he were to slip through the cracks, maybe they wouldn't even care, they might not even notice or remember he was even there. 

 

Haechan whimpers, his head hurts a lot, and there's only so much time before the next item on his schedule comes along. Honestly, he had wanted to talk about it with the manager, maybe letting him have a bit more time to rest and breathe in between but the more he contemplates, the more he feels that he's not being grateful for these chances that were given to him. 

 

He thought about Dream practice that's scheduled at 6, maybe he could go ahead of them? Haechan gets up, his leg shaking in cold and exhaustion. He slowly makes his way down to the apartment lobby and calls a GrabCar to pick him up.

 

When he arrived, he could tell only the 24 hours afternoon shift staffs and janitors are there, he greets them each time he passes them in the hallways. Some were giving him surprised looks while others just don't give two shit, but no one asked him anything.

 

By the time he's in the room, the time is already 5 a.m. in the morning which leaves him roughly an hour long to kill. Haechan turns on the stereo, putting a ballad playlist on play. He lays on the hardwood floor, padding as his blanket and his bag as a pillow. 

 

But sleep never came. He stares at the ceiling blankly, he couldn't at all sleep. Donghyuck breathes out a shrap breath, he's so exhausted with everything. The 127 hyungs had been ignoring his existence, he feels awkward with the Dreamies, Ten hates him, Lucas doesn't know who he is, what else?

 

He curls up, trying to protect himself from all the pain he's being out through, wanting to cry away the pain. But he can't even do that, instead he finds himself sitting againts the mirror feeling empty and hollow. Why can't he feel anything? Why so suddenly? He couldn't find his voice nor does he feels in control of his own body. 

 

Donghyuck brings up his arm to his lips and bites down on it, a sudden gush of pain brought him some senses. Why is like this? The way it had felt was too good, too fucking good to be wrong. Why does he likes to hurt himself?

 

Haechan looks at the marks that scattered his arms, they looked so beautiful, so prettily marked on his ugly tan skin that he's so happy to have them. Dreamies would be here soon, better get stretching.

 

_

 

"Wah that's very interesting" the interviewer says, Taeyong and Dooyoung were talking about something but Haechan was barely paying attention, he really isn't feeling it. "Who's the annoying one amongst the members?" It was at that question was when attention is completely on him.

 

"Of course it's Haechan!"

"Wah this kid is such a brat!"

"Haechannie always plays prank and teases us

"This kid never respects his hyungs!" 

 

Haechan pulls up a strained smile, his heart was stab with a stake with each word, his almost non existing trust in them crumbling to dust. More confirmations to his negetive thoughts, the fire they call his confidence burning out. 

 

"What can I say? I'm the maknae." The fake smugness in his voice is trying to conceal his true emotions. He missed the way the eyes that were on him faltered. Throughout the interview he wasn't exactly quiet like Jungwoo and Taeil,but he wasn't loud as how he always was. 

 

Haechan smiled politely, the interviewer wasn't interested in focusing on him becuase he keeps giving short and overused answers. Mark, Taeyong, Yuta and Johnny are more interesting, Haechan feels a slump in a his throat, the fans probably thinks he's gone lame too.

 

And then they'll get tired of seeing him doing nothing on camera, he wasn't pretty like Jungwoo or Taeyong or everyone else in the group nor does he gives screentime worthy reactions. They'll start to get annoyed at how he was awkwardly just sitting there, only talking when needed. 

 

They'll start thinking he didn't need to be in NCT, and they'll start a petition to kick him out and his hyungs would definitely agreed cuz they all hate him, he worked so hard and made so many sacrifices to be here, oh god what if he gets kicked-

 

"Haechan? You okay?" Taeil asks him,he's been watching the younger since the interview wasn't all that fun to participate in. He noticed how Haechan would blank out every now and then, how the younger's eyes would dart around and how he's basically shaking in his seat now.

 

"Wha-Oh, yeah. I'm fine" he quickly answers, he suddenly feels so jittery and it feels like he's going to burst into tears right there and then. "Thank you for coming, we hope to see you again!" The interviewer says wrapping things up. Haechan was the first to stood up, ready to sprint out. 

 

"Haechan! Where are your manners?" Taeyong calls out, there was anger in his voice. They hadn't bowed yet, Haechan feels the need to put his hand in a pot of boiling water. He quickly regain to his spot, not missing the way the interviewer had giving him a stink eye or her low "What a disrespectful brat, must've given his hyungs a hard time"

 

_Why are you so fucking incapable of anything?!?! You can't even remember that?! She's right!! You are being a burden to them and you shouldn't have even debuted, you don't deserve this chance!_

 

Haechan sheepishly apologize but his voice had came out small and timid. 

 

_Pathetic_

 

"Thank you! We are NCT127!"

 

_It's too much_

 

Once out of the staff's sight, he bolted out the door and to the bathroom. He slams the door to a cubicle and press himself against the wall, he's falling and sinking and can't breathe. 

 

_You're so pathetic, what a mistake._

 

He pulls up his sleeves and burries his fingers as deep as it could go. Why was he like this? It was a usual, always on the table question. There's not an interviewer he had met that doesn't throw out that question. 

 

Maybe it's becuase he was terrified at the enthusiasm that the hyungs showed when answering? How they were so confident and sounded so sure. He was that bad? Even if he hadn't had someone to hug him ever since that day with the maknaes nearly a month ago? 

 

No one to tell him that his schedule is murdering him, no one to lay out his troubles and worries, no one to tell him his eating schedule is just as fucked up even if he wasn't doing it on purpose. Why does he feels so lonely? He has 21 brothers and counting yet he feels so so alone and helpless. He feels so so......unwanted.

 

He tells himself he can't do it but then manages through each agenda just fine. He says to himself _'I'm too tired'_ but the choreographer had praised him for his improvements (or was it mocking? Donghyuck wasn't sure) 

 

So why is he being so overly dramatic right now and every other time he locks himself away for a couple minutes, hurts himself a little to give him control and hunch over what kind of idiotic psycho he's turning into? He had been living his life jsut as how he did before, so why? Why was he like this?

 

Haechan settles that he's going to get to the bottom of this, he'll find his own answers, but was he ready to accept it? 

 

Haechan cleans up and stumbles out breathlessly, he looks in the mirror and sees a brown haired boy with makeup and a pretty smile, he looks so confident, Haechan cringed. It didn't feel like he was looking at himself, more like what he once was. 

 

He skips out the bathroom and finds that everyone already left, he's forgotten again-? Oh no, he has other things to attend to. His manager came up, a pity expression on his face. "Come on Channie" and he sighs but follows. His stomach growls, his limbs begging for rest, but Haechan strides on. 

_'Lets play pretend a little longer'_


	11. I'm Not Depressed

He smiles at his manager once told he has at least 2 hours worth of free time before the next thing on his list. Haechan is trully thankful to his manager for trying to help him, "Your usual schedule is always packed, I'm sure you could use a tiny break" he had said, ruffles his hair and left after telling him to rest up for later. 

 

Bless the man

 

If he had any plans, it would be sleeping since he rarely got those in a while but he thought of his othet plan which was to find out what is wrong with him and to avoid questions, he needs to do it someplace else. 

 

He takes his phone and some other stuff and heads for the U dorms, technically he doesn't stay there but Chinaline are back in China and Jungwoo sticks around the 127 dorms these days. 

 

It didn't exactly feels right to be in a dorm he wasn't a part of without any of the ocupants present and although he is well aware this is practically what Yuta does for a living aside being an idol, he gets anxious at what the others would say. He makes a quick message to Ten.

 

Haechan: Hyung can I be at the U's dorm? The other Dreamies are being loud.

 

Haechan pressed send and nearly cringe at how formal it was, its just so weird. But then again, why would Ten answer him? Why would he give permission? He was a pest, an unwanted troublemaking pest and surely none of the Us want him to even be a mile radius within their dorm. 

 

He was about to just turn back and go back to the Dream dorms when a 'ping!' was heard from his phone. Ten had answered.

 

Cutietennie: oh my gosh, you're typing way worse than Kun! Go ahead, JUST DON'T GO ROLLING OR JUMPING ON MY BED OR ISTG I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF

 

Haechan: Okay hyung, I love you

 

Cutietennie: Staphhhhh, aish this kid.

 

Haechan could only do nothing but let the hurt sink in, they never say it back. It didn't matter how many times he had said it again and again, or who he was saying it to, he doesn't get a reply. 

 

Haechan carefully plucks a spare key from one of the flower pots outside and carefully enters the dorm. A sweet scent of lavender greets his senses, the place looks absolutely spotless, unlike the Dream dorms. He sat himself on the sofa and fishes out his phone.

 

"Better get to searching" he searched a few words and phrases, the searchbar showing all kinds of suggestions. But a single word caught his eye. 

 

**'Depression'**

 

He's heard of it, of course he would since he did lost a sunbae to that illness. He knew what it could do to a human's mind, the damage it does, the pain it brings. He shudders at the thought of himself having it, impossible, it can't be. 

 

Donghyuck clicks on a website that explains the illness, he reads every bit of it, the discpription, the symptoms, the effects it could bring and he drops his phone in unbelievable horror. Not becuase it shocked him how bad it sounded, 

 

But how everything he felt for the past months that seems like a foggy haze to him is in ACTUAL WORDS, it was like the place had explained his mind for him.

 

He quickly retrieves his phone and switch to another few webs, scanning through each details. 

 

**Easily irritated and angered**

 

Well no shit on that one. 

 

**Insomnia or over-sleeping (hypersomia)**

 

He's not sure on this one

 

**Negetive thoughts, bad thoughts on oneself**

 

He's the biggest liar to ever exist if he was saying no to this. 

 

Haechan could feel a sudden surge of denial, he's not like this. He's not depressed nor does he have Depression. He switched to insta pages for some reason and it hit him harder when not only his feelings are in words, but they're also in pictures.

 

Pictures that he could relate so evidently that his heart clenched. 

 

_Hah, so pathetic. Haechannie why so stupid? You? Have depression?? As if! Its all in your head idiot!! You're doing this to yourself!!_

 

His trembling fingers scrolls down the variety of posts that gave his thoughts a coloured HD picture. But then there's this one post. 

 

A shodowy figure hangs from a rope around their neck, words in blood written next to it,

 

**"Now everyone loves me....."**

 

Haechan froze, he threw his phone away. No, he wasn't like that! He's not..he's not depressed. But the thought of being.......dead, erased, no longer roaming in this planet. It shouldn't have sounded like a happily ever after of a fairytale in his head. 

 

And images flood in, images of him falling 10 floors down, anrope around his neck as he hangs off a fan, colourful pills spilling out of his mouth or only the tip of his head is seen peeking out of a tub full of red.

 

 Haechan wants to scream, he grips his head and pull on his hair in hopes those images would go away, they looked so perfect, like a work of art that seemed so idealistic, like a dream. 

 

Haechan sobs, he doesn't and he's not going to end up like that, scared by what he found out he can't even ignore the growing voice from within that's saying this is what he wants. He wants this it said, he doesn't want to believe that, but his mind screams otherwise. 

 

_Oh yes you do!! And you know why?! Cuz you're a stupid!! Worthless piece of shit that shouldn't have nver existed!! No one gives a crap about you and they never ever will!!_

 

_Do the world a favor and die!!!_

 

Haechan bits down on lips, and even if his nails are digging deep, he couldn't feel the pain. Why isn't it coming? He feels empty, and so so nothing. There's no other word to describe it, this is Depression?? This sickening feeling of loneliness and nothingness?

 

 But he refuse to believe it, he's not depressed. 

 

"Haechan?? What are you doing here?" He feels his whole world freezing at Jungwoo's sudden calling. He quickly wipes away the tears. "Watching a drama" he muttered, he hears Jungwoo laughing. "Aish, you're crying because of a drama?"

 

_You lying son of a bitch, but he must hate you becuase you're not supposed to be here, you're not a U, NCT will be better off without you anyway. They don't need you let alone want you, they don't care, they wished you never debuted!_

 

"I'm going hyung" Haechan snatch his phone and tuck it in his bag, " Ah, but Hae-" before Jungwoo could finish, he was already gone. "-I wanna watch with you......" Jungwoo trails. 

 

Haechan bust open the door to the Dream dorms and is relived taht nobody is at the dorms, he enters his rook and proceeds to bury himself into his covers doing what he can to get a grip, his manager will be here soon and if he doesn't get his shit together......

 

He doesn't want to know or find out.

_

 

Mark shuffles to his bed and flops himself down, recording went really well so he's finally done with the day's schedule. But he's not feeling tired, so he pulls out his laptop and opens his Netflix account. 

 

Strange, it feels off somehow, like something was missing. Mark feels like an idiot when relization dawns on him, Haechan, his best friend isn't here to watch movies with him. They always do it, these cute little movie watching thing.

 

But after his schedule got crammed, there's no time for it anymore. How odd, where is Haechan? He looks at the time and sighs. Of course, Dream practice. 

 

He never realized just how much rest time he has now that he's out of Dream. He still remembers the days the two of them will lay on their stomachs and stare at the laptop screen with snacks scattered and tissues too if they're watching something sad cuz both can't help but be emotional.

 

He would have Haechan leaning against him with the other's arms around his one arm. Although the group is convinced that they're dating, both know too well they'll nver be more than platonic soulmates. 

 

Come to think of it, Haechan hasn't hug or kiss him in months, and if he's really doing some recalling, the vocalist didn't even touch him either. He shou2be but he misses the affection he gets from the younger, how warm it felt and how safe it makes him feels.

 

Mark admits, he did feel guilty for pushing Haechan away so much, call him a hypocrite even. At some point, the joke sounded too much even for him, yet he keeps denying. 

 

Haechan changed quite a lot, although not quiet, he's no longer in his usual loud self. He lost all his baby fat, his face features are more prominent. He is more reserved to his phone, but Mark noticed he grew quite addicted to writing in a small yellow book.

 

He always saw him with it, a yellow cover book with a sun patch on the front and his name in metal stamp, the book also had a pen with it. He would bring it and write wherever he goes. 

 

Mark's gaze falls over a jacket left by Hyuck that's drapped over a chair. It was the one he got him when they had a concert in Canada. Mark still remembers how surprised the vocalist looked when he received the present. A light blue shade jacket with the words, 'Dreamer' on the back. 

 

Mark loves it when Haechan wears it, it suits him well. 

 

Gosh, Mark misses him

 

He missed the times when its just Mark Lee and Lee Donghyuck, two boys who sacrificed their childhood for a dream rather than Mark and Haechan, NCT's fan favorite duo.

 

"Hyung, where's Haechan?" He dials the Dreamies' manager, "Off to a meeting, what is it Mark?" Mark feels stuck hearing the news, "Nothing, when will he be back?" 

 

"Not until later, he has a few more things on his personal schedule to attend" something aches, Mark had to muster up his every willpower to ask the next question without stuttering, he merely glance over to the ckock that shows 9:35 p.m.

 

"So, he's coming back around morning?" 

 

There was a pause on the other line, it's almost like the manager knew what Mark was implying and was contemplating whether he should tell the truth or lie. 

 

"Yeah, definitely. Roughly about 4:45 or 5 a.m." 

 

Mark felt like his breath was cut off, "Hyung......we have practice at 6 tomorrow" and there's another pause, "I know Mark.....get some rest" Mark feels absolutely surprised, was this....was this how schedules had been these past few days.


	12. I'm So Worthless

Mark restlessly peels himself of his bed, his mind kept thinking back to the maknae who was supposed to be back by now but still has yet to show up. He hadn't been able to get more than 3 hours of sleep, not that he wasn't used to it. 

 

Getting up, he contemplates hard to decided if he should call the dreamies to check if Haechan is with them, but at the same time, he would rather they get all the sleep they could get without any disturbance. 

 

The clock shows 5 in the morning, he heard footsteps from the other side of the door, so someone- definitely Dooyoung- must already be up. He makes a quick sprint for the bathroom with his clothes to get ready. 

 

All the other hyungs can clearly tell something was bothering him, "What's wrong Mark?" Jaehyun asks, "Does anyone here knows when Haechan's schedule ends?" He didn't look up, too guilty. "Haechan? No clue, why?"

 

"Nothing, I missed him" he bluntly said, Mark can't comprehend why didn't he just blurt it all out. He had asked their manager to specifically send him a copy of Haechan's personal schedule for the past month. Mark thought he was staring at a worse version of his old schedule. "He's rarely around anymore" he adds.

 

There was only silence that follows, everone at the table not knowing what to say or do. "Don't you guys miss him too?" He suddenly asks, a sudden unsettling fear bubbling, please don't tell him that they...."Of course" Johnny answers. 

 

But Mark knew then, the moment his eyes scan the faces of the few he can't restraint the anger and bewilderment he felt. Those faces that morphed into shock and confusion when he mentioned Haechan's rare appearance in their dorm. 

 

"You forgot....you forgot him!" He exclaims, tears pricking his eyes. "To be fair, he's not exactly 'rarely around'. We always have 127 schedules with him" Yuta adds. "Mark, he's your best friend. Of course you'll notice, you can't expect the same from us"  

 

"But you forgot him! He was forgotten and you guys are going to act like it doesn't fucking matter?!? Doesn't it bother you at all just how much did he changed in such a short time?!" Taeyong clear his throat, "Mark, your attitude"

 

"OH! So him having an hour or less time every fucking day to sleep is okay to you hyung? He wakes up every morning at the crack of dawn for the past month to endless schedules with barely any breaks jn between and comes back if he does come back at all at 4 in the morning. You're telling me that's okay?!"  

 

"What the hell, how....when did you?" But Mark got up and storm back into his room. "Um.....I'm gonna go check on him" Jungwoo says and hurried off. "Hyung" Dooyoung calls the leader. "I.....I didn't know at all...." Taeyong mumbled. "Look, don't dwell on it, we'll talk to the managers later about it"

 

"I don't know, I mean, Haechan isn't telling us anything. He doesn't look like he's dealing with anything too out of hand" Jaehyun says. "But Mark isn't the type to snap for no reason" Johnny adds. "He does have a soft spot for Channie." Dooyoung adds. 

 

Taeyong taps on the table, not wanting that things to escalate into an argument. "Look, I'll talk to Haechan first. I'll see if what Mark said is true and if it is, then I'll go to the managers" that seems to be fine with everyone. 

_ 

 

Haechan feels like he's floating on air, the memories from the variety show filming already dissappearing from his mind. "Haechannie, I get that you're sleepy but you have practice......." the manager said, having seen that his eyes were drooping for a quite a while and his body was swaying. 

 

"Maybe......I can exclude you from the 127 practice-" but he wuickly whips his head to face the older man, "No! Please, I'm fine" there's no way he'll sit out on a practice, falling back and dragging down the team is the least he needs right now. 

 

"If you say so....." Haechan smiles and huddle himself up, his hand held a plastic fork that he founded in the car. The sharp points pressed into his thumb, it was scary how good it felt. It was strange, but he understood it too. He's better off enduring physical pain than the stinging that ache within him. 

 

The watch indicates 5 a.m. when he was dropped off at their dorms, but Haechan went in, waited for the manager to leave and walks back out. A mask over his face, he slowly makes his way to the company building. 

 

His feet is sore from walking and sitting and standing, but he proceeds to walk. In the silent walk all by himself, his mind shouts out loud again. He's getting really tired and sick of everything, of feeling numb and nothing. 

 

_Worthless, don't matter, unwanted, mistake, glitch_

 

The words pile up like mountains, each spoke like an undeniable truth that he'll wholeheartedly believe. He thought he cracked, only to find out he's long shattered and broken, and is only a matter of time that he'll dissappear.

 

Haechan enters the lobby and makes his way to 127's practice room. He starts stretching although his limbs are far worn out, his body trembles with the lack of food. He had only gotten a generous portion of fruits from the last few hours. Although he may lo9k the opposite, Donghyuck is so damn exhausted he could sleep and never wake up. 

 

The door creaks open and he hears a few gasps behind him, "Haechan!!" He hears Mark calling him, Haechan gets off the floor. He flash them a smile, "Got here first" he said, but Mark threw himself at him. Granted, he fell with a thud and a bigger boy over him.

 

He stiffs at the action but couldn't feel a thing, Mark was embarrassed and quickly got off of him. "Sorry....." Haechan shakes his head, a small reassuring smile still on his face. "It's okay...." he replied and moves away to fix the music.

 

Mark is pretty confused, manager had said he'll be back late and he just so happens to already be here? And Haechan doesn't look tired at all, in fact he looked as normal as he could be. Sure the bags looked heavy under his eyes but don't they all do? Dooyoung seems to see his confusion, "Haechannie, when did you got here?" 

 

The said boy froze, grateful that it was his back that's facing them otherwise they would've seen his terrified expression. "Minutes ago, just a bit before hyungs did" he says, and the awkwardness was so evident it scares him, he feels like a complete stranger despite the use of pet names and Mark's unsual clinginess. 

 

He could feel the burn of their stares and it's suffocating him, Donghyuck walks over to his spot and continues to stretch and block off the voices that are foming back to taunt him. 

 

"Hey Hyuck" It was Johnny and Donghyuck stiffen again, he made no reply. "You know if something is bothering you....you can tell us right?" That was......random or maybe not, Donghyuck doesn't want to look at the elder, he was scared that the moment he does, he'll break as if he's not already broken as he is. 

 

_Look at you, you don't deserve to be cared for, you don't deserve shit because you're nothing, you worth nothing and are nothing but an anchor to this amazing group that would do so much better without you._

 

Donghyuck sighs, "I know hyung" Johnny knew he wouldn't be able to get more out of him, but seing him like this hurts him. Haechan shouldn't be like this, hesitant and reserved. He should be loud and boisterous as how other dreamies are, it was strange and so unlike the person he knew. 

 

Worse of all, there's no telling where, when and what even went wrong. The group got into position when the dance instructor enters,they greeted him and carries on with the practice. They're learning a new song that week and are already on the chorus. 

 

Most are still adjusting themselves to the song, but the main dancers are already flawlessly slaying the new choreography. Taeyong, Yuta and Haechan prove their roles when they stood out in the few first runs till the chorus of the dance.

 

"Good job you three, splendid as ever. Although......Haechan, you are a bit stiff at certain parts but otherwise okay..." Haechan feels a lump forms in his throat,their choreographies can only get harder as time goes. But he had been practicing this particular one more than he ever did for others and he still couldn't get it perfect?

 

"Hey, cheer up. At least you're not tripping on that last spin at the start of the pre-chorus like the rest are" Yuta tells him, pointing at how the instructor is trying to help them one on one on that very specific part. 

 

But it didn't sooth his disappointment towards himself of his performance, he wanted to do better, he wanted perfection. He was about to get in starting position and run through the routine again when Taeyong pulls him to the side by his wrist.

 

He nervously looked at the younger vocalist, unsure how should he start but decides to just be straightforward " Haechannie, I was told about......your schedules..." Donghyuck nods, motioning the leader to continue, "What about them hyung?" Did the manager told Taeyong he wasn't behaving well on his own? Was he in trouble for something? 

 

"I'm told you're not getting enough rest or sleep......is this true?" Donghyuck thinks, he wasn't sure what should he answer. "Not really, but none of us do anyway" he says, "True, but.....yours may be worse than ours and I can't allow that, you're still young and-" Taeyong stopped when Haechan raises his hand a bit to stop him and smiles at the leader.

 

"Hyung, I'm fine. Manager hyungnim makes sures I get my sleep during car rides and stuff. Don't worry" he really hopes Taeyong is buying this becuase it was like a slice through his skin with each lie he spits. 

 

"If you say so......please, tell us if there's anything wrong..." he waited, maybe if he stared long enough Donghyuck would tell him the truth. 

 

But they don't know, they had absolutely no idea how high the walls around him was built nor do they know of their maknae's own trust in his hyungs had been destroyed by no one but themselves.

 

So instead of letting the dam breaks, Haechan nods and hurried off to practice his parts some more. Taeyong only stared where he had once stood and thought. Were they too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys but I might not update for a little while cuz SPM assignments are piling up and I have a future to secure so I hope you will all be patient with me!! 
> 
> We are now slowly entering the 'noticing' part (no, we are not saving him just yet or anytime soon)
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story so far!


	13. I'm a Mess

Strangely, this particular day was......decent to say the least. The lead vocalist slumps down on one of the sofas in the recording studios. The director in charge is humming approvingly as the recording of his singing plays. "Good, I like this one. We can move on to the next part if there's nothing else you wish to change?" 

 

Other days, he would jump and said they'll do it again for another 50 times more or less so that the final product can be absolute perfection, but today however, hearing his boice through the speakers, Haechan can't help but feel a small satisfaction. "Nah, we'll go with this one noona"

 

The voices weren't too actively loud that day so he had just enough willpower to ignore them. The hyungs must have talked some things with the managers because Donghyuck is sure he never had such gaps for rest in between schedules in a while. 

 

He didn't feel dreadful when he woke up, noting that he was able to actually get some sleep the previous night. He couldn't feel the usual awkwardness or anxiousness when he sat at the table, he was able to sit next to Yuta without feeling jittery or needing to flee.

 

The food for once did not taste like cardboard in his mouth, Haechan was glad that he could finally eat something without feeling sick the next second, he wonders a lot on when will the food he chugs down would stop crawling up his throat a little while later. 

 

And suprisingly-for himself at least-he was able to make small talks with Mark and Taeil, sure they did most of the talking but it didn't feel forced for once. He had no idea what kind of relief that washed over the older rapper when seeing Haechan actually acting slightly like his old self, he saw Taeyong smiling in a way that says he did something. Mark was glad they have a caring leader.

 

Haechan honestly thinks it is strange, but he liked it. How everything is in that short moment, it was like the months before had only been bad dreams that he finally learns to wake up from. Not once did he ever thought that things could turn out for the better, that he wouldn't need to feel so tired jsut from battling his own thoughts. 

 

He feels undoubtedly happy after so long, gosh does he misses this feeling. Somehow the negetivity could no longer affect him. Haechan thanks the recording director noona, and makes his way to the Dream practice rooms. 

 

They were all stretching except for Jeno who's talking to the dance instructor. "Hyung!" Chenle waves at him, Donghyuck chuckles and waves back. Chenle's eyes shot open, wow it had been so long since he heard that sound. He had thought they may never hear it again with how quiet the hyjng had grown to be. 

 

"What's wrong Lele?" Chenle simply stared at his hyung who now looks concern with what reaction he was given. But Chenle just wants to savour the fact and very moment Donghyuck used that nickname. Its always Chenle or Jisung or Jaemin no more Sungie or Lele or any other petnames. 

 

The formality he suddenly puts up to them was really awkward and made them-sadly he admits- distant. He wants to approach the hyung, but he could never find himself able to due to the controlled way Haechan talks in that reminded him of those days in the past where he had just started to learn the language.

 

Chenle wants to tackle Haechan and not let go of the hyung but he dares not push it. It was obvious to all of them that Haechan somehow wasn't comfortable to do skinship anymore. He would go rigid and stiff by a simple grab of his hand, can't say Chenle didn't miss how his hyung used to be. 

 

Chenle flash a bright smile, "Hyung has a nice laugh" Haechan was taken back by the remark, he had trained himself to specifically avoid laughing when unnecessary so that he doesn't cause he find his laugh annoying. "Oh um.....okay? But you're cuter" he adds with a smirk at the back.

 

Chenle would scream and bark back but Donghyuck had looked so happy, so content with what he said. His eyes slightly glowing and those heart shape lips forming a small shy smile. "Thanks hyung" he voices out on impulse, his cheeks tinted with a soft shade of pink and huge but sweet smile graced his lips.

 

Donghyuck was again taken back, was this really Chenle? Somehow a nagging voice keeps jabbing him that he's being played but Chenle, sweet adorable Chenle wouldn't do such a thing. "Lele, quit hogging hyung to yourself" Jisung whines, but beofre anything else could happen Jaemin called for them to get in place. 

 

_

 

He's a mess, he knows it and he shouldn't have forget it , he should've known. Better? More like a freaking foreplay. He bit his lips as everyone had gathered in the slightly crammed room to listen to their latest recording. 

 

The first track played but he wasn't a part of it so he tries to think of how the others sounded. This time, Jungwoo and Johnny did the intro song and even if there weren't taht many singing parts, they still sounded so good. 

 

The second track was Taeyong, Mark, Dooyoung and Taeil's song, he marveled at how amazing they were and he grew more and more self-conscious about his parts. He was only in 2 out of 7 tracks they will be putting out in a month or so. 

 

When the time came for his oart came, Haechan gave his full attention. But his mind only wanders to the part where his voice sounded strained or in certain parts where he sounded off. "So any comments?" The main producer asks.

 

Mark raises a hand, "Me, I think maybe have Hyuck record this part in the title track again but have him go into a higher pitch here-" With Mark explaining, Haechan wasn't sure he was listening. Only a single thing rooted in his mind currently. 

 

He was off, he sounded off

 

"What do you think Haechan?" The younger nearly missed the question thrown at him. "Umm well......I was thinking.......why not have Jungwoo hyung do that part? I feel like he suits it more. And maybe let Yuta or Winwin hyung do my other part in the other song?"

 

The producer frowns, "But that would leave you no actual lines Haechan. You'll still be needed to do some layering for the background vocals and some adlibs but that's all you'll get" Donghyuck feels his breath caught in his throat.

 

Singing was his mightiest weapon, the sole reason why he's even here. Singing was something he could have faith in himself to excel even when he feels awful. Now knowing that he won't properly sing in their new comebacks. 

 

The recording for those new parts went smoothly, it didn't help that whenever someone praised Yuta and Jungwoo gave him a sickening feeling of sadness. "Haechan ah, was it okay?"

Jungwoo asks him ever so sweetly. Jungwoo was an angel done wronged, he's such an amazing idol yet SM refuse to let him shine.

 

Instead they place their bets on him, a mistake. The others were so much better than him, he's only dragging them down. "You're amazing hyung, my voice didn't do the song any justice" 

 

Haechan used to think he likes his voice, it was unique and distinct. But the more he thought about it,the more he hates how his voice sounded so out of place, too different, too unsual. 

 

"Yah, don't say that!!" Jungwoo exclaims with a laugh, but Haechan finds it hard to laugh along. Instead there was only a sudden gush of emotions, the day had been just fine. Why now?

 

 

_Hah! You think you got better?! You wished piece of shit!_

 

 

The vocalist excuse himself to the restrooms, Donghyuck leans against the cold tile walls of the restroom. His mind is racing around far too much, it suffucates him like he never thought it could. 

 

The words tangles him in a cobweb sort of mess, the feeling of utter nothingness consuming his every senses. Like any other days except this was supposed to be a good day, happy day. He was fine, why is he acting out now?

 

"I fucking hate myself"


	14. From Their Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot are wondering why the hyungs are not doing anything,
> 
> Here's why 😊

Taeyong cast a glance at Donghyuck, the boy all curled up cutely in the corner while writing in that book he seems to love carrying around. He had claimed it was his diary and that no one should ever read it. The vocalist had a straight face, not at all letting them take a guess at what he's thinking.

 

Sure he missed his maknae's old self, Donghyuck's cute little babyish antics and how he'll laser the rest of them with his sass the next second. Haechan changed, that was a fact he can't deny, but Taeyong himself learned a long time ago that people around us will change in time.

 

He thought now while looking at his baby sitting quietly in his seat while letting the stylists and makeup artists do their thing. The small smile that settles on his more matured face.

 

Maybe he was overeating, jumping into conclusions and worst case scenario. Hyuck is fine, he's growing up and matured. And Taeyong thinks, he needs to learn to live with that.

 

_

 

Although he finds it odd himself, maybe it was the age gap? or maybe their height difference? But Johnny always sees Donghyuck as his little boy. From when he first saw the young boy stepping into the training rooms, his mind had practically adopted Donghyuck.

 

Watching him growing up however was another kind of pleasure, sometimes he still asks himself had this talented boy grew up that fast? They've been through a lot together, from Donghyuck's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse days till his official idol debut and now. Johnny loves and treasures the bright boy that added sparkles to his life. 

 

But nowdays where they are so busy that even Johnny had to admit, he let the boy slipped through his fingers, how they took the jokes too far. It didn't alarmed him until the certain boy barely speaks to them anymore while off camera, no more cuddles or kisses. 

 

And Johnny hates it, hates himself for letting it happen. He tried mending what he broke, but it was no use. He remembered one day he sat next to the boy and pulls him to sit on his lap, Haechan had froze and wordlessly got up and retreats to his room.

 

(Completely unknown to the fact when Taeil sat down in the now vacant spot, Haechan felt bad for taking up space and had needed Johnny to do that so he left)

 

He talked to the managers after seeing Haechan's schedules, to say he was horrified was a huge understatement because he was ready to throw hands and all that he has in anger when he had found out. 

 

It got him thinking what did he missed? Or was Taeyong really true when he said it's likely becuase of how much pressure he's under in this industry which pushes him to mature faster?

Johnny doesn't think those mattered, he just wants his Hyuckie back.

 

"Haechannie, want this?" He holds out a choptick holding a bit of cake, Donghyuck kept his gaze low and mumbled a timid declination. 

 

_

 

Dooyoung was known to be one of the moms of NCT, he acknowledges that because it's not far from truth. When Jisung needs a hyung to acompany him to somewhere or Jeno wants support during his recordings or Taeyong needs a shoulder to cry on. He's ready to give his all.

 

But when Haechan changed, he was stuck. He's stuck because what on earth can he do?? He knew Johnny contacted his personal manager (which surprised him because only Mark had a personal manager and that was only when he was in all 3 units )

 

He did everything, cooked special treats, throws in encouragement here and there but it was like the boy had gone static. Dooyoung of all people knows growing boys like Donghyuck are still finding who they are but he didn't think for once that the younger vocalist would be a quiet one, he was a loud person since young.

 

But there are no alarming signs, at the end of the day he was still their Haechan. Less of the smiling, constantly wilding and clingy boy they're familiar with but still Haechan. Is this okay? Is this normal? He's not sure. And that's why he's 'not from from truth' because it's not exactly a truth, he's a mom but he wasn't a perfect mom.

 

_

 

Jaehyun looks up when Donghyuck enters the room, he greetshim with a "Hyung" and proceeds to put away whatever he has with him, grab a something to change and leaves immediately all the while being careful about his surroundings.

 

It weird him out, how uncharacteristically Donghyuck is acting. How formal he is, especially with him and Yuta. A grudge perhaps? But Haechan only radiates fear when around him, and it got him feeling so horrible. "Haechannie!"

 

He grabs the other's wrist only to feel how the younger is slightly shaking. Haechan had a gaze that holds uncertainty and anxiousness but he didn't pull away. "You know I'm not mad right? You mean a lot to me" 

 

And his heart shattered at how Haechan's eyes grew wide in shock, mouth slightly apart but it soon turns to a small grin. "Yeah, I get it. I'm still sorry for it" but Jaehyun shakes his head, "No, I'm so-"

 

"It's okay, it didn't matter.........I didn't matter" The older vocalist couldn't hear the last part, but before he could say more Donghyuck left to catch up to his manager. Since when Haechan was so matured?? He wised he paid more attention and maybe, he would've known when. 

 

_

 

He never felt the guilt left, the memory of him actually hurting he maknae would forever hunt his mind. And what's worse is that Haechan just doesn't looks like he cared or remembered, slightly off-ish sure, but they were never that close to begin with.

 

Yuta guiltily admits, he was one of the ones who favoured Mark over Haechan and hadn't been subtle about it. He feels stupid when he realized how he let the image SM built for Donghyuck to be the image he sees thw younger as. 

 

Donghyuck was a never a brat or annoying, the maknae is probably one of the most genuinely affectionate people he had in his life. His playfulness and wit was a charm Yita loved about him. 

 

Which was why he had gotten so furious when Donghyuck acted out, plus blinded with his own stress, it lead him to a mistake he couldn't think he'll live down.

 

But Donghyuck did not showed even once to the others that it had effeced him in any way. It makes him mad at himself because he was the one who hurt him but he is having more problems about it than Haechan. 

 

His maknae was more grown up than he is, Yuta gently sat near Donghyuck. The adrenaline from practice dying down, his face isn't chubby or babyish anymore, it was more handsome and sharp. His maknae grew up well, if only he had contributed anything......

 

_

 

"Baby, have you eaten?" His soft voice asks, Haechan takes off his shoes. And shuffles across the living room while smiling for Jungwoo. "I'm good hyung" And he disappeared into his room without another word.

 

Granted, he was only starting to grow close with Haechan. They weren't familiar with each other since Jungwoo never trained with him and had only recently joined 127. But that plan flew out the window because Haechan acts like he wants nothing to do with him.

 

Anyone would've been butthurt but Kim Jungwoo is a godsend angel from above who understands more than he knows. He knew teen years and transitioning from teen to adult times are scary. There's going to be a lot to take in, adjustments and self-acceptance most of all.

 

He theorize that Donghyuck is just one of the few to struggle more than others. Which explains the mood swings and withdrawal from social interactions. He had wished Haechan let him help.

 

_

 

A lot may think he's being ignorant at times but in reality, Taeil was one of the most observant members of the group. He hardly misses anything (he acts for the camera a lot) 

 

Mark thought he was first to notice? Taeil was miles ahead, but Taeil doesn't confront problems. In his view, Haechan's sort of issues aren't really all that bad. Of course he doesn't know what they are but he figures it's maturity finally arriving or homesickness or exhaustion and stress. 

 

It's the things he expects Haechan to learn and ask for help himself, they can't keep treating him like he's a helpless child. He cares and that's why he needs Donghyuck to learn. And that's why he'll wait.

 

_

 

Winwin wasn't sure where he stood with Haechan to be completely honest. They were not all that close, and like Yuta he favoured Mark. 

 

They weren't strangers, but as time pass on it did started to feel the distant between them grew. More so when NCT WayV debuted and he barely joins 127 activities anymore.

 

But even he saw how Donghyuck had changed, and he didn't like it any more than the others. He liked the bubbly and bright Haechan better, he didn't like how quiet and thin Haechan had gotten. And that's hypocritical of him to say with his own officially dignosed bullimia. 

 

He realized that he likes it when Haechan laughs, or when he does a witty comment that got everyone screaming. Winwin wasn't sure what happened,there's still a lot he did not understand. 

 

The Chinese wants to help but has no clue what to say or even howtp being it up to Donghyuck. And it's not like the other hyungs looked distressed about it, was this normal? 

 

"Hi Hyuckie" he whispers, the boy looks up from the book he's writting in. "Hi hyung" Winwin had s udden urge to caress the boy's face. He looked so worn, so tired. "Aren't you going to go and record?"

 

Donghyuck smiles, a small one, "Hyung, who do you think gave you lines?" Sicheng feels his jaw dropped. "Sorry, if that sounded rude" he quickly said. "What? No, not at all!" 

 

Haechan got up and walks out, muming a small good luck and 'love you' at him. Winwin was too awestruck to move, not realizing he forgot to say it back.

 

_

 

Mark is somewhere between ready to phone the CEO of SM or break down crying while holding Hyuck in his arms, no in between. And he ain't exaggerating.

 

He was confused, so terribly confused. The other day Hyuck looks like a a step away from death and now he's just him. The baggy eyes gave away he hadn't slept well even with the new rescheduling. But Mark couldn't help but notice the new changesin his best friend.

 

He'll say it out loud with hia whole chest turning 20 did nothing to him back then, he was the same. But Hyuck? Gosh darn this boy. He lost all the baby fat which leaves him a more handsome features, he's got abs now? And the babyish things about him is almost invisible now. 

 

And now he's questioning if this new attitude is him hitting adulthood or him having issues? Because he loved the baby Haechan, he loved the stupid grins, the little ( •○• ) faces he does and his dumb giggles. But if this how Haechan is growing up to be Mark figures he needs to learn to live with it.

 

_

 

Haechan said nothing as he sat on one of the waiting chairs, his schedules although had lessen still tires him out. He wrote in the little book, because no one can know and he needs to get it out.

 

_No one cares, no one loves you, they pity you but they shouldn't have, you don't deserve shit!_

 

He sighs when he heard the voices again, it wasn't wrong. The toxicity had became his advisor, he finds himself diligently following and believing each word. Afterall, who else would care?

 

**If only the sun had been another**

**They wouldn't bask in the artificial**

**I carved truth and not this illusion**

**The freedom I seek, non-existent**

 

**Cry and get hurt**

**A repeating cycle**

**Conceal it with facade**

**None shall know**

 

**For once they knew**

**No dam can hold on**

**The tears will fall**

**And it'll be no one's fault**

**But yours**

 

He closes the book, a broken and sad chuckle emits from his dry lips. He looks at his hyungs stirring up a mess for their fans, they deserved better. They deserved more than what he can ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think??
> 
> Personally, this really slow process is just to capture how high-functioning depression builds up to be and how its hard to notice it because peoplewith high-functioning depression 'looks' normal
> 
> For the little poetry, I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm a hopeless poet
> 
> Thank you for the sweet comments!! You guys have no idea how much it means to me!!!


	15. I'm Okay (NOT)

Donghyuck wasn't sure what's happening, he's already spacing out by the fifth minute they were in that meeting room. But a sudden outburst from all the others boys gave him a quite he shock. Immediately he tunes in to hear what's the fuss about.

 

"Really?! That's awesome!" He hears Taeyong exclaims. But having not paid any attention to the discussion, he had absolutely no idea what they're on about. "Yes, the new dorm is on the more secure side with less people having access into the area. I think some of the artists like Red Velvet and Shinee lived nearby."

 

Haechan is definitely listening now, they're getting a new dorm?! "Listen boys, the house is huge has four floors . There's 10 bedrooms if I'm not mistaken, I'm sure you can decide roomates on your own. You'll all move in 2 days so pack up."

 

He hears cheering, groaning but he can't help but think, "Um....hyungnim?" His voice could barely be heard in the mess of boys that is NCT. But thankfully, his personal manager only had his focus on him. "Yes Hyuck? Everyone will stay together in one house? No seperation by units?" The older male shakes his head. 

 

"No need, room as you like. Even WayV will be staying with you guys if they come to Korea. Which reminds me..." he whispers to another manager. "Alright boys! Dream back to your practice, the others please resume whatever schedule you were having. Except these few names I'll be calling"

 

The chaos dies down, curious at the sudden notice. "Jungwoo, Johnny, Haechan, Chenle and Jisung, the five of you may stay while the rest can go" there's a bit of whispering but soon only the five of them were left in the room. Jisung and Chenle both sandwich Haechan in between them.

 

Donghyuck finds it sort of odd how clingy they're acting towards him, but he has to admit, in times the little affection he receives from them really help him. Chenle had practically claimed his lap while Jisung leans on him. Any other day, Haechan wouldn't have mind but he's just so tired.

 

He knew it was a bad idea to keep quiet when he had nearly shove Chenle off by reflex, thankfully he was able to stop himself. Currently is probably the worst time for him to let his emotions get the best of him.

 

"Boys,congarts because you will all be participating in NCT U's upcoming comeback along with Kun who'll come by later" Chenle screeches in exitement, he was after all NCT U's biggest fan. Jungwoo only smiled while Johnny is trying hard to contain a scream himself. Jisung is in his usual shock with a hand over his mouth, everyone was delighted with the news except for one.

 

Haechan wants to punch himself, one for thinking how dreadful its going to be for him and another for being so ungrateful once again after given an another opportunity to be on stage more. 

 

But Dream's latest comeback promotions are still going on for at least two more weeks. After that 127 will be dropping another mini album, and he has to prepare for a freaking debut simultaneously? "Haechan? Is there something wrong?"

 

"Err no.....its just that wow....I'm really going to be the next Mark Lee huh?" He joked, the rest threw a fit of laughter at that. "Right! You're in three units now too!" The smiles on his bandmates faces flatered at the sudden reality check. It only dawned on them what it meant for Donghyuck just then.

 

"Hyuck, are you sure about this? That's three continuous comebacks, its going to be hard preparing for the next while promoting at the same time" Johnny asks him in pure concern. Haechan feels himself bitting his lips in frustration.

 

Are doubting him?? Do they not think he's perfectly capable of it? "I'm fine with it hyung" he spat out albeit slightly angrily. "Are you sure? We'll understand, not everyone is like Mark" and that's where the line is drawn. Mark, Mark, Mark...its always that damn Mark Lee!!

 

_Because you're nothing, you are nothing and they probably don't even want you here,it was a mistake, you're a mistake!!_

 

Why must they compare? Isn't it obvious how there's no one else in this goddamn planet will ever be some kind of Mark 2.0? Why must they mock his already sorry abilities and rub it in his face that he's not good enough. If they didn't want him in, they could've just told him. "I know I'm no better than Mark, but let me try at least" 

 

"Hyung, they don't mean it like that!" Jisung exclaims, "Yeah, don't say that about yourself! I think you're way better than Mark hyung" Chenle adds, holding both of his hyung's hands in his. "Aww guys, that's cute" he muttered at them, maybe wished those words speak the truth too.

 

"Haechan I'm sorry if I worded it wrong, its not like that at all. We're worried if this will take a toll on you" Haechan would laugh at the statement, weren't they the ones who arranged that crazy schedule for him for the past few months? If it weren't for his personal manager, Dream and 127's album release could've dropped at the same time. 

 

They're the ones that kept forgetting he's in both Dream and 127, worried about him taking too much pressure? What kind of bullshit they're trying to feed him? "This is nothing, I've been worse" the vocalist failed to see the way Jungwoo and Johnny flinched at his words or how the maknaes shudders and held him tighter. 

_

 

"Haechan, where are you going?" Jaehyun asks the younger, he had been meaning to pack their things together. The younger boy froze in his steps, a sudden fright took over from the question. "Practice? Its Dream last promotional stage tonight" 

 

Jaehyun frowned, they've only just got back from practice 30 minutes ago. Dooyoung and Taeyong haven't cook or ordered lunch yet, "Aren't you going to stay and eat first?" Donghyuck seems to blank out for a few seconds "Hyuck?"

 

"Huh? Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to space out! I just...I'm sorry" there was the jittery panic in his voice, was he still effected by him? "Haechan, I know how I acted was wrong and I keep apologizing for it. Its been months! Why can't you forgive me?" Haechan stumbles back. "W-what? no....its not that.."

 

To be frank, Donghyuck really has no clue to why he is reacting like this towards the elder. Jaehyun might hate him but he doesn't hurt him, Jaehyun never hurt him but what if he drives the elder so mad at him that he did? Yuta did it, could Jaehyun be the same?

 

_Are you serious right now?! You're trying to blame him for your sorry ass existence?!?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!! You think you're important?!? You fucking ain't irrelevant piece of shit!!_

 

"Then what is it? You have to tell me Hyuck, I wouldn't and couldn't fix anything if you won't" Donghyuck stood still, Jaehyun had grab into both of his wrist and he feels like he could faint. Sinking deeper and deepr into a void of his self-loath. 

 

He could feel his fear calling tears to pool and drip, the boy wants to scream for Jaehyun to let go but no words came out. Only a straight poker face staring down at the wooden tiles of their floor, he had numb all his exhaustion and pain from the previous practice. But in that moment, everything he held back then came crashing down at him full force. 

 

"What the hell is going on in here?" Dooyoung snarls, he heard the commotion AKA Jaehyun's lashing. Donghyuck makes a run for it because Jaehyun immediately lets go of his hand. He sprints out of the door in seconds and finds himself going to the Dream dorms first.

 

He shuts the door to the bathroom, a mantra of 'I'm okay' spilling from his lips. Haechan splash his face with water multiple times, denying whatever tear that fell. His eyes however caught the shining bit of silver that seems to gleam at him, calling him.

 

It was his shaving razor blade, small but Donghyuck had seen what it coudl do. Those websites triggered him into thinking more dangerous things than helping him. He's seen pictures of endless lines of red on their thighs and arms. How lovely they looked when imagined on his own skin. 

 

Donghyuck didn't know when or how but one minute he was staring, the next thing he knew the little silver blade is hovering above his skin. And a few minutes later, Haechan giggles slightly to himself when he marvels at the sight of his thigh, bloody and pretty just as how he knew it would look. 

 

_You're such a fucked up!!_

 

He dropped the blade, an immense fear and slight regret courses through his body. What had he done?!?! He glance at the qatch abandoned previously on one of the shelves. 2:34 p.m. Dreamies are going to hate him for being late if they hadn't already.


	16. I am My Own Demise

His hands trembles in fear while he darts his eyes around the small room for tissues. He can't help but cringes when the white thin fabric turns red when he grabs it. He slips off his pants and begins to press the cloth gently against the thin lines of fresh red on his thigh.

  


It wasn't much, just 10 or so thin strokes. It wasn't bleeding all that much but it was still quite bloody all the same. The boy hisses and bit his lips, it was so strange and really fucked up. The moment the small blade was slicing through his skin, there was only relief.

  


It was like someone had been choking him and finally let him go, for a few brief seconds he could feel himself trully breathing after being suffocated for so long. It was pleasure in the most sickest form to ever exist. The pain felt too good, addictive he might add. 

  


But now with his common sense back in gear, Haechan could only stare at the mess in shock. The stinging didn't bother him all that much, it was the fear and despair that came with realization of what had he done, what had he started. 

  


Donghyuck had read about it, how it's a curse itself. It was no different than drugs and anyone who does it will never escape the needy urge to keep doing it. He brought upon himself an addiction, a coping mechanism that he's seen many fall pray to and ruined their lives. Donghyuck is terrified.

  


He cleans away the blood and wrap it with tissues as a makeshift bandage. The boy makes sure no traces were left behind and left the bathroom to his own room but first grabbing the first aid kit. Carefully, he cleans the wounds and wraps in in proper clean bandage.

  


Just because he gets lost in his head and decides to jab random metal on his skin doesn't mean he's gojng to be reckless and let himself get some sort of bacteria infection. He tucks the pants that got tainted with his blood somewhere under the bed and slightly drags himself out after changing into some sweats. 

  


By the time he's at the lobby, he could see a very concerned looking manager pacing. "Where were you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago!" He checks the boy, unsure what he was looking for but needed to be sure he wasn't hurt or anything. Haechan feels guilt wallowing up his gut. "I'm sorry.......git a stomach ache so I was stuck in the bathroom"

  


It didn't ease the older man, "Really? It sounded serious, do you need to see a doctor?" The vocalist quickly shakes his head. "No no! I'm fine. Must be something in that fruit yogurt I ate for lunch" he explains, he feels bad for each lie he's telling but he can't possibly tell the truth. "Oh okay, you had lunch?" He nods in response because he can't handle anymore word spoken lies.

  


He was escorted like a puppy to the Dream practice room, "Thanks Minhwan hyung" he says with a flashing smile. The manager laughs, a hand came up to ruffle his hair, "Practice well, I'll be back later to take you and the other two to your U comeback meeting" 

  


_You don't deserve him, he only cares because he's getting paid to do this. How pathetic can you be?! What a fucking liar, you're so pathetic that you even lied to the ones who at least pretended to care? Go and fucking die!_

  


Haechan hums and proceeds to enter the room. He hears their latest single halfway played and the synchronized thumping of footsteps of his bandmates. Their eyes trained on the reflection of themselves in the mirror ever so sharply with focus that they didn't even noticed he came in. He gulps when a stern glare was given by the dance instructor, she didn't look too happy. 

  


Without a moment to lose, he puts down his bag and jump right into the dance. He could tell he was half a beat faster for the first few steps before actually getting in rythm with the others. But with his right thigh practically screaming at him to stop moving with such force, it was hard and overall, he looked like a half stiff stick trying to dance.

  


A minute later the dance ended and the instructor calls him over, "I got a message from your manager, I hope that's why you are oddly off just now?" Donghyuck nods, eyes not meeting the lady. "And I noticed you got awefully thin, are you on some sort of diet?" He shakes his head, its best to just be wordless for now. 

  


The lady frowns, "Well.....please talk to your manager about your food intake. This choreo is very much like a cardio workout and from what I've discussed with the 127 instructor, so is the other choreography. I'm worried that you're not eating enough and it would cause unwanted stress on your body." Haechan wasn't sure what to say or feel.

  


Should he be touched that she cared for his well being or that he should feel ashamed of himself for not being able to even take care of himself properly. How ironic is it that he's even injuring himself on purpose! 

  


"I'm sorry if I worried you noona, I'll take care of myself better and I'm sorry for being late" but the kind women only laugh and pat his head.

  


"Its nothing Haechannie, you may be of legal age but you, everyone else, even Mark are still children. There's nothing you need to apologize, I'm not mad if you turn up late because you didn't feel well but I'll be mad if you dare come to practice with a sickness" her words feels so warm and kind it nearly made him teared up. How he wanted someone to tell him all of this.

  


_Don't get ahead of yourself!! She's doing it cuz it's her job!!! She pities you because you're such a good for nothing, incapable, fucked up idiot that ruined his own life!_

  


"Hyung!! Why were you late? You missed Jisung flipping two bottles at the same time and lands!" Chenle runs up to him, Haechan hugs himself, a little afraid that they'll be mad at him. "Wow, its the newest 3 unit member!!" Jaemin exclaims while clapping his hands.

  


"To be fair, Winwin hyung is in three units as well" Jeno and Renjun laughs. The rapper swinging an arm over Hyuck's shoulder. This got him freezing because other than the maknaes, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun never initiate skinship with him -that was a long time ago- he had no idea how to react.

  


"You okay? You look pale" Renjun asks, he noticed how popular taht phrase had gotten. "I - I'm fine, just peachy" suddenly Jeno made a gasp "Oh right! You were sick right? That's why you're late?" He hesitantly nods because it wasn't all a lie, he wasn't sick, at least not physically. 

  


(But he was physically injured but Haechan guesses that one doesn't count cause it's self-inflicted.)

  


"What?!! What are you doing here?! Back to the dorms now!!" Jisung exclaims. Haechan muster up an awkward laugh, he really can't function well or react at the moment. His mind is still dealing with what aftermath of his breakdown from earlier. "I'm perfectly fine, come on let's continue before noona gets raelly annoyed with us"

  


"Are you sure you can practice, jokes aside. You really look awful." Jaemin threw him one last glance. "Yes.....you're not mad that I'm late right?" It got the slightly younger male to raise a questioning eyebrow. "Of course not, you were sick" 

  


**_But I wasn't, I'm not sick!!_ **

  


"Good to hear, I definitely don't want Renjun coming for my neck because of this" 

  


"HEY!!"

  


He turns to the mirror, and he flinched inside at the sight. Everyone else saw a young boy turning adult, they saw someone hardworking and fun doing their best. But Donghyuck sees an ugly unforgiving creature who's existence was a mistake that had mars the world's beauty.

  


The other beautiful stars mock him, played him and hurt him, he was a nothing, not even a speck of dust, he was just nothing. And even with the people around him continue to shower him love and assurance, his walls had built too high fo them to reach anymore. 

  


Every compliment became a mock, everyone advice was a slap to the face. He's trapped in this dark world builded by his own doubts and darkest thoughts, not even crying out for help no more because he accepted this fate given to him.

  


Haechan feels like he's floating, because it was so numb, he feels so very numb that even the reflection on the mirror starts to blurr. But he's Haechan, he doesn't shows his weakness. He's not sick and moat definitely isn't mentally illed or depressed. So he danced, sung and give his all because if others don't care, it doesn't mean he doesn't.

  


_Nobody trully cares about you!! Not your dance instructor or your managers or your hyungs!_

  


He cares, so he'll suffer in silence for them. He cares even if he believes they didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guyssss, 
> 
> I may not update for another two weeks or so because EXAMS 
> 
> I suddenly got this idea tho, what do you guys think of a Stray Kids × Haechan special part for the next one??


	17. I'm Trying I guess??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL thank you so much for being patient!!
> 
> I hope this is worth the wait!!

The sky looked beautiful from the window of the car, a pretty shade of orange and red to welcome dusk. The dancer sat quietly on the passenger seat, his body still limp from dance practice and a paper in his hands with print out lyrics. He had earplugs on, a somewhat upbeat music playing.

 

"You know, you can just decline this collaboration right?" His manager says, Donghyuck stayed silent for a few seconds before realizing he was asked. It was an off day for him, he hasn't gotten any sleep last night with his mind being so loud and the fact he was rushed out of the dorm first thing in the crack of dawn wasn't a helping factor.

 

"Oh...um....I didn't want to disappoint them......" he had clearly remember weeks prior how (Han)Jisung especially had been over the moon about the idea. The other idol had went on and on about how he had made a song for them and even got permission to collaborate with Haechan. Frankly he has no idea what to say, Jisung himself is an all rounded idol, unlike him, but the last thing he wants is to disappoint someone again.

 

 "Your voice is everything! I have no idea what had gotten into SM to not give you any lines on that 127 comeback though!" Was one of the things he said to him, it did nothing to shut down the dark insecurities taht hunt him, what was so special? Renjun would have been the better choice.

 

 He had wrote down some of his own lyrics but he couldn't even get two sentence down. The song is supposed to be about being free and soaring high even if you're chained and caged. It really intrigued him because NCT had never done anything as deep as that before. 

 

So he stares at the sheet Jisung had faxed him. The thing was 2 papers, back and front full of words that Donghyuck could never compose with his state of mind. That's the thing about him, is he really less capable or its just that people around him just so happens to be freakishly talented that he stood zero chance to be seen like them.

 

**Maybe both, definitely both**

 

There were a few parts, he was informed that the other rapper and the leader will also be participating. He was technically their sunbae but he still feels intimidated. Donghyuck personally knows Jisung, Seungmin, Felix and Hyunjin but the rest are complete strangers to him.

 

 The title reads 'Freedom' by 3RACHA feat. NCT Haechan. 

 

They pulled up at JYP's building, Haechan takes a deep breath and goes out, Jisung and what looks to be Chan, Stray Kids' leader were at the main entrance, Jisung immediately starts waving his hands wildly at him. Haechan would grin and laugh but he really has no energy to do so, instead he walks a little sluggishly towards them with his manager in tow.

 

The happy faces faltered at the sight of him up close, "Woah....you look terrible, are you sick?" He wasn't sure what gave it away-the eyebags, his hollowed face, the solemn look-but he shakes his head, pulling a smile up for them. "That's absurd, I just got back from dance practice that's all"

 

_And the liar is at it again! Some sunbae you are_

 

"Really? You must be tired" but he was beyond tired, he's ready to let go of everything and crash down to the floor and sleep till the next century. "I'm used to it, come on. We can get to work" he says, Jisung nods and cheered before he nyoomed in without a second to lose. Chan gently smiles and takes his hand.

 

Donghyuck was startled by the action, it felt unusual to him. Its been a long while since someone held his hand like this, so gentle and delicately. "He's in good hands" the elder told his manager. "I think so too" the man replies, patting Donghyuck on the head and bid them goodbye. "Lets go yeah?" Haechan kept the small smile and nods. 

 

He wasn't disturbed by the hand holding but he's not exactly feeling easy about it either. It feels warm and it made him think of the days his bandmates would automatically take his hands at any random time or situation. But he didn't want to be rude to Chan, yet the elder noticed his uneasiness as they walk "Oh I'm sorry, are you comfortable with this?"

 

Haechan quickly shakes his head, "No no.....it's nothing" he says, "Do tell me if I'm overstepping boundaries, I'm used to babying the younger ones" Haechan nods, he actually knows about it. The boys from Stray Kids would sometime gush about how amazing their leader was in their chatroom, how he was really affectionate and loving and how they can always go to him for a hug 24/7.

 

**Lucky them....but then again I don't deserve this**

 

"Since you just got back from practice, I supposed you must haven't had lunch yet right?" And Chan swears he saw the other's hesitation before nodding. How odd......he was sure this boy was one of the happy virus roles member in his group, perhaps it was just a persona for the fans? But from what he's heard from the 00 liners, Haechan is a bright boy full of energy, on and off camera. 

 

And somehow has a gut feeling that Haechan isn't really who he was right now, something feels......off. Chan can always tell, his own group is made of boys who went through things. "But I'm not hungry" he really doesn't know, he can't feel anything. Maybe the emptiness but nothing else. "Ah...But I'm sorry Haechan sunbae, you're with us now so you'll play by our rules, no skipping meals" 

 

The word 'sunbae' seems to flip a switch and immediately he's drowned in immense uneasiness. "Please......just Haechan is fine hyung....." Chan laughs at his state of jittery, and it felt like an electric shot zapped the boy. He's been here for a few minutes and he's already making a fool for himself? What if Chan starts to think the other NCT members are like him?

 

_Well aren't you proving more and more to be such a fuck up?! You can't even get one simple thing done right and you even drag the others with you?! What the fuck is your problem?!! Look at you, doing a better job at tainting NCT's image than antis!! Stop being a walking hazzard!!_

 

"Hey...Haechan?? Haechan are you with me?" He didn't realize he stopped walking or that he was staring straight ahead almost frightfully. To Chan, this was a warning bell that something is obviously wrong. "Oh um...I spaced out....sorry" he looked nervous. "Okay.....tell me if there's anything wrong will ya? I know we just met, but I care" they all say the same thing, but do they really?

 

They arrived at the studio, Haechan enters and bows when he sees more people in the room. "Haechan!!!" Hyunjin and Felix jumped at him, he widen his eyes and braced himself for impact but Chan grabs his shoulders and moves him from their way, letting the two fall to the ground in a pile. "Yah! Behave" he scolds them. 

 

"Hi Hyuckie" the vocalist snaps his head at the voice, "Ah, Woojin hyung...." it's been a while since he last seen him. "How are you and the others? You guys are getting big, especially in the US" the eldest in the room says as ge pulls the younger into a hug. "Good, hyung" he mumbled, "Goodness how much weight did you lost?!" Donghyuck sheepishly shrugs, it's hard to feel hunger when you feel like shot most of the time.

 

"Hi I'm Jeongin, Haechan sunbaenim" another one comes up to say. "I'm Minho, sunbaenim" He hears his same age friends snorting before bursting into laughter, "Please just hyung would be fine" he says quickly, "Where's Changbin, Jisung and Seungmin?" Chan asks

 

 "Seungmim went with manager hyung for ASC while Bin hyung went to send Jisung to therapy" Felix informs him. Haechan perks up at the mention of therapy.

 

"That's right! I forgot he has therapy today. And yours too later right?" Felix nods. Donghyuck wants to ask about it so badly, but he doesn't want be some sort of person to nose in their business, "Well we need to go back to practice! Later hyungs, Haechan" Hyunjin exclaims, dragging Felix with him while Minho simply follows. 

 

"Us too hyung, got vocal lessons, bye bye!" Jeongin chrips, Woojin followed him out after cheering them 'Have fun!' 

 

Haechan can only wave and stare, all of them are so bright and fun, his members are more towards the crazy side. "Haechan, here's some sushi roll I made" he hands him a container. "Thanks" although his stomach feels like it's going to be sick again, he still eats a few while Chan explains the song and even puts it on for a few listens. 

 

Haechan had a hard time believing that was a demo version, it sounded like a perfect song already. "Jisung made the track on his own" Chan said ever so proudly, "Changbin and I only helped a bit with the composition and lyrics. Is there anything you want to add or maybe suggest we do?" Donghyuck shakes his head, other than messing around with piano chords, there's nothing else he knows about music. 

 

_Because you're a dumb ass that knows nothing_

 

He wasn't Mark or Taeyong who could participate in the songs making, "Jisung said you'd try to write lyrics, can I see them?" Haechan sweats nervously, he timidly sticks into his pocket and pulls out a slightly crumpled paper. "I...I tried?" He muster out embarrassingly. He's really not making out a good image of NCT to them. 

 

_Good fucking job Haechan, the absolute worst bandmate to ever roam the earth. They fucking deserved someone better_

 

Chan smiled, how adorable this one can be? He takes the paper and begins to read it. "Not bad! Actually....it'll do nicely in the second verse don't you think?" Haechan shrugs, he really doesn't think so. There's no need to edit anything that was his into the song. It'll only ruin the perfect picture.

 

But Chan doesn't see it, but Chan was very open with him and is literally trying every trick in the book to get him to relax. He feels that Haechan was too tensed, a boy his age shouldn't be that way "Well shall we do the recording?" He nods again. 

_

 

"Alright, how does this sounds?" Chan asks, fingers playing about with the many buttons and little knobs. They were doing some editing with Haechan's parts when Jisung and Changbin barge in. "Hey!! How could you start without me!?" He tackles Donghyuck. 

 

"Oh it sounds really good though?" Changbin exclaims, "I'm Changbin" he nods. "You go to therapy?" He question left his mouth on instinct, it had been lingering on the tip of his tongue all afternoon. There was instant regret when he saw how Jisung's face fall.

 

"I..I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked" Jisung shakes hi head, a small smile creeping up. "Its nothing, Yeah I go to therapy for a little past trauma problem" he says. "What's it like?" He curiously asks, "Um......it helps I guess? ......Why?" 

 

Haechan panics, he did not mean to give himself away, not that he was sick or in need of it anyway. "For a member of mine.....he struggles with Depression" he lies. "Oh......" Jsiung and Changbin both looked at Chan who's not smiling just as brightly. Depression, the old demon he used to fight.

 

"We're all trying to help him, but it's hard" Haechan whispers out, his body starting to shake slightly to hold back the tears. Nobody cared, what kind of bullshit is he saying? They don't even know and he's not depressed, he's just having hard time dealing with his idol life. Why is lying so much? To deceive them or himself? 

 

"Haechan.." He blinks, feeling a tear slid down his cheeks and it alert his instincts.

 

"Hey are you-" Haechan backs away and screams "STOP ASKING ME THAT!! JUST STOP!! I TOLD YOU I'M FUCKING OKAY" there's a silence, Jisung stared at him in shock. Changbin and Chan wordlessly stood frozen. And Haechan? He dashed out of there in an instant. 

 

_Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU!!! WHAT IS YOUR GODDAMN PROBLEM YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT?!?_

 

He sobs and roams aimlessly in the halls, it was all going so well only for things to crash down on him like that. The words kept swirling in his mind, yelling at him, he was yelling at himself. His legs gave out and he carsh down to the floor, his face is a mess, his hair as well, heck! He is a fuxking mess himself.

 

"What was-Haechan? Oh my god, Haechan!!" Woojin scramble to the younger and picked him off the floor. "Hyung?" Jeongin came along with Seungmin who just gotten back from filming, their thoughts starting to worry upon seeing the NCT member sobbing uncontrollably in their eldest's arms. "Wh-what happend?"

 

"I don't know, but lets bring him back to the studio" and Haechan wailed louder, his body trembling even wilder. "O-okay maybe not, our dance practice room then?" When he saw no further reaction, they immediately went on their way. 

 

The dance line were still practicing and Hyunjin was about to slice someone's neck for interrupting them until he laid his eyes on Haechan. "Haechan?! What happened?" Hyunjin exclaims, he takes him from Woojin and cradle the younger. 

 

The vocalist was still sobbing but not as hard, he kept chanting 'I'm sorry I didn't mean to' and 'please forgive me' and it made everyone in the room fell very distress. "I'm calling Chan hyu-" and the doors burst opened revealing the producer line of the group. "Thank god you found him"

 

Chan kneels next to Haechan, "Hey sunshine, its okay I'm not mad, none of us are. You didn't mean it" he coos gently, Haechan looked lilke an injured animal left to fend for himself. Whatever did he went throughto have an outburst and aftermath reaction like that? "M'sorry......please...p-please d-don't hate m-me or nct for t-this.... .I won't d-do it again I pro-promise."

 

Chan's heart broke at the statement, he was horrified because not only did he see how bad of a state Haechan is in but how much he resembles his own past self fighting for his will to live. "Oh god no, we would never hate you" Jisung gasps and pulls the ypunger for a hug, his own tears spilling. "No one could ever hate you sunshine" he adds.

 

**I do**

 

Haechan whimpers because it felt so nice and so assuring to be like this, comfort by others. How long has it been since he was cuddled to sleep? Or that someone let him sit on their lap or just plainly letting him hugs them tight as he cry out his worries and frustration? It's been months since that time with his maknaes.

 

The hug turned into a cuddle pile with someone on top of another, when they all released Haechan felt like a weight was shoved off his chest. "Haechan, I know you probably don't want to talk about this but.......that has to come from somewhere" Changbin says as softly as he could. "Donghyuck......my real name is Donghyuck"

 

**Haechan is never who I am**

 

"Okay Donghyuck, do your hyungs know?" He nods, because he knows they would definitely inform his hyungs if they knew they don't have any idea what's going on with him. "That's a first, are you getting help?" He thought about it, was this considering helping himself? Then he remembered that the cuts under those sleeves may as well scream no.

 

"No...not really. I don't think I would get any even if I asked for it. But the hyungs are doing their best to help me" he wants to laugh at himself at this fictional story he's making up. Lying had a huge glo up. "Ah, you're from SM....that's understandable" 

 

"Can we know what is it?" Hyunjin asks a bit hesitantly, the others hissat him for it. "I mean, I'll tell you mine. I deal with anxiety" Haechan sighs, "I don't know what's wrong, I'm just....like this" it didn't sound safe or healthy to any of them. "Have you and your hyungs consider therapy?" 

 

"Its not that bad, I don't need it" he defends himself, but he can't deny that he saw how well sicheng is doing with therapy. "Today was a very off day for me, that's all" Seungmin plops down next to him. "Its okay, we understand more than you think" he mumbles, "How so?" Donghyuck asks.

 

"You're in a room full of fighters, Hyuckie" he glances at each of them, each wearing a look taht only they seme to understand, a story behind each face. "It'll be okay in the end." He sure hopes so.

_

 

"This is fucking lit!!!" Felix exclaims in English and earned a slap on the shoulder from the other Australian. Donghyuck smiled a bit, they had messed around bit before actually going back to work on the song. Now that all the finishing touch is done, they all sat down in the small studio room to give it a listen.

 

3RACHA never fails to deliver and with Haechan's assist in the song. Jeongin might just drop Matrosykha as his favorite 3RACHA song. "This sounds so cool, the fans would never know what hit them!" 

 

Haechan was able to return with a slightly better mood, these boys trully were something. "I guess it went well?" His manager had been worried to leave him despite the assurance from the leader. But he sees now he worried for nothing "Yeah, really well"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exams are still not over yet but your comments are literally my motivation!!
> 
> Thank you so much!!


	18. I'm Uncontrollable

Haechan wasn't sure why but he's laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. While Ten is going around plucking things up and shoving them into boxes. The moving is in exactly 5 hours. The older didn't bother him, simply going about doing his own thing. Ten was aware he doesn't want to be disturbed. His book was rested next to him, not really feeling the need to write. 

 

But the obvious chaos next door was hard to ignore, Ten sighs when he hears the familiar sound of bass and guitars being played again. Chenle and Jisung had been blasting Freedom all morning since its release, they were the few who didn't know about the collaboration and freaked the fuck out when it dropped. Who was losing their shit more? NCTzens? Stays? No, Chensung owns that.

 

"HAECHAN HYUNG GETS BARS?!?! AM I DREAMING?!" He had heard Chenle screamed when they first listened to it. Technically, he sang the chorus based on divided parts with Chan and Jisung but they insisted he tries to rap a bit. He doesn't get a lot but it was still consider an actual rapping part rather than a few lines. "TAEYONG HYUNG I'M SORRY!!"

 

They were screeching and screaming, usually he liked the youngers being all hype up by what he did but at the moment he feels like he should avoid interactions and communication till he's cooled down, otherwise he's going to yell words he'll regret saying again. He does that a lot these days, getting worked up over trivial matters. 

 

_Yeah, cuz you're a fuck up_

 

Its hard, he gets so irritated by the smallest things and it's even more frustrating because he couldn't control it. It was strange because he was never the one with temper issues like Yuta. "Are you done packing?" The Thai man asks, but avoided looking at him. Haechan gets up, and he drags himself to the floor "Mostly" he answers.

 

_Incapable piece of shit_

 

It gets hard to talk when you feel like you don't exist, he thought he'll get used to the hollowness and constant gush of loneliness but he doesn't. It still bothers him and making it hard to look 'fine' for his members. His mind wonders to the hyung in his room.

 

Ten was by far, the only member who never initiates skinship with him and had pushed him off from the very first day. But wasn't Ten that way with everyone like the Tsundere that he is? And again he was flooded with memories of the man clinging to Taeyong or babying Jisung. Never him, it's always never him.

 

_He hates you, isn't that pretty obvious? Oh yeah, you're a dumb shit_

 

It suddenly becomes so obvious how differently he was treated from the others just as how it was starting to suffucate him in that room. "I gotta go" and he rushes out in a hurry, he quickly makes his way to the 127 dorm. The living room is packed with boxes every corner and a stressed out Taeyong and Dooyoung running around giving orders.

 

Haechan glide his way through he mess and enters his shared room. "Haechan! There you are, I thought you'd never come to finish up" Jaehyun greets him as he pulls a tape over a box. "Sorry..." he mutters and looks around for his stuff and places his book in his backpack. He doesn't want to do it now, he doesn't want to do anything right now.

 

_On top of everything you're lazy? Wow Lee Donghyuck what a fantastic useless fuck_

 

He had already packed all his clothes and accessories along with his plushies and action figures, what's left is things like laptop, charger and minimal stuff. There was also this tiny potted cactus he has, he remembered naming it MJ after his Idol. "You still have that?" Jaehyun asks and chuckles at the cuteness. Haechan however puts it down and hurried off to just squeeze everything in his backpack.

 

_You hear that? You're so pathetic_

 

He really wishes they weren't always fooling around with his feelings, he knows he's stupidly childish at times, no need for anyone to rub it in his face. And in the rush he tripped over something and would have fall but Jaehyun caught his arms easily.

 

Donghyuck can feel an electric shot shakes his body, he yanks his arms away from Jaehyun while holding in a gasp. Why must he grab his bad arm? The cuts were weeks ago and although healed, they were very visible if not properly covered. It doesn't hurt anymore but the sudden action surprised him, causing him to be more alert. 

 

"Woah......okay" Jaehyun muttered, "You okay???" Haechan nods, "Yes, I'm done. Gotta go.....U meeting....." he moves to grab his practice bag with him and leaves without another word. Haechan races down the lobby and waits for the others to come by. "Hyung!!" Chenle and Jisung greeted him, Jisung jumping on his back while he's at it. 

 

Their Dream manager came by and pick them up, "The rest are already there" they were informed. "I still can't believe you collaborated with Stray Kids and never told us!!" Jisung exclaims. "Sorry.....you guys knew I was friends with them tho?" Chenle whines, his lips in a pout. "It's not the same!!" 

 

"How are you doing?" Jisung suddenly asks, "Hmm? Good. Why?" It sounded so natural the two nearly believed it, but they knew better. "With you being in between comebacks, shows and collaborations. It must be hard" Haechan feels himself melting at those words. "Well....yeah but...it's my job..I gotta do it" he replies. 

 

_Still a complete disaster_

 

Jisung raise an eyebrow at the comment, job?? It was weird for Donghyuck to refer their idol lives as a job, the word 'Dream' is what he always uses. But in fear he'll scare him off somehow, Jisung didn't comment on it. Maybe he should have....

 

Haechan sat in between them so Jisung pulls the older to rest against his chest, perks of being taller than your hyung. He puts an arm over the older's shoulder and reels him in, Haechan was surprised by the action and was about to say something when Chenle puts a single finger on his lips with a 'shh' and snuggle into his hyung. 

 

"Missed you" Jisung muttered, and Chenle hums in agreement. Donghyuck said nothing, too dumbfounded by the actions. Why are they like this? But it feels so nice and warm and it's almost like the way it used to be. The fact he could feel their love seeping through his skin and courses through his veins just makes it more and more harder to held back his tears. Stray Kids did the same yesterday but its nothing compare to his own members.

 

He missed this too, to be loved and cared, to be accepted by them.

 

The arrived and were brought to the previous conference room to get a briefing about the album first. The younger ones were excited to see their favorite Chinese mom already there. Chenle immediately claims Kun's lap with his statement "I'm his baby!!" although Jisung was more than happy to just sit next to him and how there are more than enough vacant seats to fit NCT2018 in there. Haechan settles next to Jungwoo and his Minhwan manager hyung. 

 

 Its a big deal since it is NCT U's first official album. The concept this time around is charming, sweet and innocent boyfriend concept. They were joking how Johnny is anything but innocent, Haechan didn't participate in the teasing, only giving small reactions, this caught Kun's attention.

 

Since WayV's debut, he rarely came to Korea due to WayV and his own activities in China. So he's not up to date with everything happening in the korean units. So to see the usual ball of energy looking so down was worrying and even more so when he has no idea what's going on between them.

 

Once their schedules are all decided, they were ushered to the studio for a first listen to the album. They each liked the title track, and are discussing about the lines distribution. The producers already made a suggestion draft for them to go with but here was a problem in Haechan's case. 

 

He's got too many lines, he had to carry the first verse rap, the three choruses and the song's killing part in the bridge. It's more than what he gets for his entire NCT 127 career. And not to mention, even in the other songs, he gets too many parts. Aside that, he noticed Chenle being the actual representation of Winwin's situation. 

 

Jisung was quite safe since he's the only rapper present, Johhny and Jungwoo got decent amount but Kun and Chenle were definitely getting wronged here. It says Chenle and Jungwoo will be lead vocalists but Chenle doesn't even sings half of what Johnny is getting.

 

The distribution was completely unfair, and that amount of peer pressure is going to kill him if he's not dead already. "Ummm...I have something to say" he says, a bit unsure. "Can Chenle and Kun have some of my parts?" He points out some of the chorus part. "Oh Haechan, you don't have to do that" Kun tells him.

 

"Its just that I have....too much?? I don't know if I can do this.." he admitted, the producer frowns. She scans the part Haechan is implying and her frown deepens "That part is in falsetto, and you have to jump back in your normal range after that you see? To do this while dancing requires a skilled vocalist like you. You are used to this technique are you not?"

 

Donghyuck bits his lips and nods, "But Chenle can do it.....he's taken my parts during my absence in NCT Dream a lot of times...." Chenle softly smiles at him. The producer rolled her eyes, a little grunt escaping her lips "If that's what you think.....do you want to do this part boy?" Chenle throws one more lookat his hyungs, Donghyuck gives him a thumbs up. "Yes, I'm sure I can do it" 

 

"Very well then, anything else?" They made several alternations to the distribution and soon were taking turns recording the main parts of the songs.

_

 

Haechan runs his eyes and yawns, he's sure he had stuck in this studio for hours. Mark came by along with Taeyong a while ago, cheering them on for the hardwork, they somehow missed that he was there as well so no good luck for him. "Perfect, you're finally done Haechannie" Haechan bows and puts back the earphones and walked out the recording room. "Minhwan-shii is outside waiting for you, I think" 

 

Donghyuck groans when he remembered the Music Show shoot he has in a few hours. "Tired huh?" She asks, Donghyuck nods, embarrassed. "Well...you did choose this life Haechan ah, regretting already?" She laughs, but Haechan doesn't. Was she joking? It was true though, he did choose to be here.

 

_Yes, you did this to yourself! Wake up idiot, this is your doing!!_

 

He couldn't laugh after hearing that comment, his mind had been busy the entire time of the recording process. Had she always made those remarks? "Go on, don't waste his time now. Or any of your hyungs's time" Donghyuck thanked her, walked out. Minhwan wasn't outide the door as she said thankfully, so he makes a quick run to an empty practice room. 

 

_Well aren't you just so pathetic? Can't take a joke? Sensitive much? What a load of bullshit. All she had to do was say a few words and you're here crumbling apart? Can you be anymore weak and useless?_

 

He sat down and covered his ears, too loud, they're too loud. They keep screaming and taunting him like no tomorrow, he grips and pulls his hair. He needs pain, he needs to feel the stinging sensation burning through his body to block out those voices. Haechan covers his mouth with his arm and bites down hard on it. 

 

There wasn't any sharp objects with him and he couldn't cut anyway with the kind of schedule he's having. The bites weren't as reliving but it gain him some senses, some control over the pain inside his mind to tone down. It was only seconds later with his teeth still pressing down on his skin did his phone burst out into ringing. 

 

The tune of My Pace starts playing, indicates that one of the JYP monster rookie group member is calling him, he wipes away the few tears that slipped and did his best to regain hos composure. He picks up he phone by the last ring, "Hello?"

 

"YAH!! Why did it take so long to answer?!" Of course it was Jisung, Haechan flinched and nearly flung his phone from his palms because of the sudden shouting. "S-sorry....." his voice cane out like a quiet whisper, it must have been very obvious because the other was immediately quiet on the other line. "Shit, I'm sorry Hyuck, I didn't mean it that way"

 

"It's fine, used to it" not enduring the pain but more to getting hurt. "Oh.....is everything alright? Do you....need to talk?" Although he wasn't there, Haechan could feel his worrying through the object itself. "Do I need to come over? I swear I will if you said the word" he gaps and quickly shoots down that suggestion. He couldn't be a bother, he was enough of nuisance to his bandmates.

 

"No just........stay please?" He hears a bit of a chatter on the other line and then he other came back. "I'm all yours, do i stay quiet?"

 

"Talk please" 

 

He knows he should leave, he should be out finding where is his manager hyung but with his mind buzzing, maybe just this once, let him ease himself with the help of Jisung's soothing voice transitioning from slow rapping to small talks back to back into his ear.

Just this once, let him have a moment to breathe. 

 


	19. I'm Sick of This

The boy sighs and lets out a small yawn, the van jumped a few times but he's feeling awfully numb to care. Haechan rest his head against the window, he's in the van with majority of 127. Mark and Jungwoo had volunteered to go with the dreamies. 

 

It was only a short while until they came to a gateway of some sort and beyond those gates were lots of houses, huge ones. Taeyong was passed out on the back, Dooyoung and Johnny snapped pictures while the others gawked. "You guys were bringing quite a lot to the table this year. You deserved this" one of the 127 managers chuckles and exclaims. 

 

The old Donghyuck would've been jumping in his seat, squeling each moment of this. But Haechan just wants to get this over with and proceed with his variety show filming in 3 hours or so. 

 

Recently he had grown to be one of the top few members with the most fans. His constant active schedules garnered a lot of attention. Safe to say he now has as much as the entire Dream fanbase combined. 

 

But with attention and fans, comes the other part of the deal. Haters and rumor starters. 

 

Don't get him wrong, that last scandal years back was enough to scar him for a lifetime. He was still a rookie then, it terrified him beyond compare but he had his hyungs clinging to him the whole time. They cared then, would they still care now?

 

He can't say he missed the critics or hate he gets online. Even in a recent fansign, one of them had whispered to him 'You're nothing, you will never be anything' and Haechan had nearly laugh at that because that's basically what he's been telling himself for the past few months. 

 

In the normal mid-May afternoon, they arrived at their supposedly new home. The kids are running out the door the moment the vehicle stopped moving. Shouting over each other on who gets the biggest room. Haechan got off and takes one glanceat the place. It was really huge. 

 

It was three storey up and he could see balconies and even the flat roof looks accessible. It was a modern looking house and the dreamies are like hyper puppies bouncing around the Dream manager, rushing for him to unlock the gates. 

 

Their moving truck is scheduled to arrive in a bit along with the Chinese unit bunch. The living room was very spacious, semi furnished with a sofa and two loveseats, plus a 70 inch screen tv on the wall. "SM finally doing us some justice" he hears Jaehyun exclaims. 

 

Chenle's screeching was all over the place as he ran up the stairs with Jisung. "Boys..." the head manager says but nobody but Haechan heard him. "NCT!!" That got everyone gathering in the living room. "There has been a slight mis-info about the rooms-" He starts but couldn't continue when Yangyang burst through the door with Ten. 

 

"BEHAVE YOU BRATS!!" that's obviously Kun, the resident Chinese mom had gone to pick up the foreign kids at the airport before coming. Haechan slightly flinched at the sound, Kun walks in dragging Hendery and Xiao Jun by the collar inside. "I'm sorry, don't mind us. Please continue"

 

"As I was saying there's a change of room plans, apparently there are four 4 person bedrooms and two 3 person bedroom and two single bedrooms. Still, I'm sure all of you are mature enough to decide the rooms on your own." A small chatter started amongst them, mostly about the rooming. 

 

There were left by the managers after a short general briefing over their schedule for the week. And now it was time to pick their rooms, it was decided they play rock paper scissors to decide the sequence of person to choose. Luckily Donghyuck scored 6th place to go.

 

4-person room 1

\- Jaehyun

\- Johnny

\- Jeno

\- Ten

 

4-person room 2

\- Jisung

\- Chenle

\- Taeyong

\- Jungwoo

 

4-person room 3

\- Kun

\- Hendery

\- Xiao Jun

\- Winwin

 

4-person room 4

\- Mark

\- Yuta

\- Dooyoung

\- Lucas

 

3-person room 1

\- Renjun

\- Yangyang 

\- Jaemin

 

3-person room 2

\- none-

 

Single bedroom 1

\- Haechan

 

Single bedroom 2

\- Taeil

 

A lot of surprised faces were shown when Haechan was revealed to have chosen one of the single bedrooms. Taeil insisted he takes the remaining single bedroom because he feels awkward staying alone in the room with three beds. 

 

The room, Haechan noticed, was fairly big. It's actually the size of hid old room but this time, it was his alone. The bed is next to the window, there's a green bean bag, two huge wardrobes and a wooden desk set. It was nice room, but it would be a bit weird to not have a roomate. Although it does make his 'hiding' easier. 

 

He had taken all his stuff up, his room is in the second floor. It wasn'tlong before Yuta and Winwin are calling everyone down for lunch. Haechan groans, everyone is here, there's too many people. "Haechan, come on!!" Chenle peeks his head in. "Alright I'm coming"

 

In the decent size dining room, Renjun is happily chatting away with the three Chinese members, Jisung and Mark fooling around with Johnny and Jugwoo. Taeyong, Kun, Dooyoung, and every other kitchen qualified member is bustling around preparing lunch. "Haechan! There you are" 

 

Amongst the mess, he saw Minhwan calling him over. He looked so natural among them that the boy didn't even notice he was there. "I'm here to get you, ready to go?" Oh right, he had filming schedules to attend. "Sure, we can-" but Jaehyun caught on. "Now? But he hasn't had lunch yet"

 

"It's okay hyung, not really hungry" he assures, it was lie because he was hungry but the thought of food alone is making him nausea. "What's the fuss?" Mark came by, grabbing Donghyuck by his hand and pulls him closer to him. "Hyuck has to leave for filming now, without taking lunch" 

 

Minhwan sweats nervously at the scowl that's surfacing on the rapper's face. "Hyung, it's nothing. I'm not hungry" Haechan pressed on, and gently unattach himself from the elder. "Bullshit! You only ate an apple for breakfast and that's at least 6 hours ago!" Jaemin intrudes, obviously he's been listening in.

 

"Um guys...." Minhwan starts but was cut off by Jaehyun "Are you starving yourself? Is this what's this about?" Mark continues with his own remarks "Gosh Haechan, why didn't you tell us? You're supposed to tell us when things get like this" Haechan feels his his heartbeat quicken, they were attracting more attention.

 

"SHUT UP!! For god's sake! Let me explain! I'm perfectly fine, some days it just get like this okay? You need to stop acting like that, we're not children. Whatever I'm handling is none of your business and I sure as hell can handle it on my own" he lashes out causing everyone to go silent, even a pin drop could be heard. Haechan feels himself gone cold, he seriously needs to stop snapping.

 

"Hae-" but the boy storms off, yanking Minhwan by the arm and dissappears out of the door. "What did you do?" Dooyoung snarls, Jaehyun and Jaemin looked away in guilt. "We were only trying to help his stubborn ass-" Taeyong slams a hand on the table, silencing Mark who now looks somewhat scared.

 

Chenle was holding Jisung, the youngest gripping on to the other like his life was depended on it with ragged breathing. The screams had triggered his trauma, leading to a panic attack. "Hey Sung, it's okay......shhh....it's alright you're good.....you're safe" Jisung was trembling and crying. "H-hyung" he whispers out.

 

Immediately Kun, Ten and Jeno were by their side, escorting the maknaes out of the room. "Everyone else, lunch can wait. Upstairs now except the three of you" Taeyong states, leader voice bold and clear. The others waste no time scrambling up and go, leaving the three culprits, Taeyong and Dooyoung in the dining room. 

 

"What the hell was that?" Was the first thing Taeyong said, "He was trying to skip lunch" Jaehyun defends himself, "So you gang up on him? Really? Congragu-fucking-lations it didn't work" Dooyoung snaps back, it hit them hard, Dooyoung never swears.

 

"So you're saying we should've left him to just skip?!" Mark barks, "No, I'm saying you could've made a different approach!! You're his best friend, you know he hates it when people gang up on him like that!" Taeyong adds, "Its just that.....look what happend to Sicheng? I don't want to risk that happening"

 

"For god's sake Jaehyun! He's not Sicheng, you can't compare them like that!" It was like the fire was getting dangerous rather than calm, "At least we did something! You would've let him slip past by" Jaemin silently watchesthe four argue back and forth. "This is why he never comes to us-"

 

"STOP IT!!" Jaemin yelled, "This.....this isn't helping or solving anything! Yes, we're wrong for doing that but you guys were also wrong for letting him get away so easily. In the end, there's something wrong with Hyuck, we can't be fighting like this if we want to help him" 

 

They grew quiet, gazes glued to the floor. "Sorry hyungs....." Jaemin says, "Yeah....you're right.....I'm sorry hyungs, I stepped out of line" Mark muttered, "I'm sorry too, I'm not completely innocent either" Dooyoung adds. They exchange apologies and call the others back down. 

 

"But hyung.....what's wrong with Donghyuck?" Yuta asks, a comforting hand around Sicheng as the Chinese is trying not to think of the calories set in front of him. "He's not like me is he?" The Chinese begged with all his might, not Haechan or anyone should feel the way he does towards himself. "I....I don'tknow........he wouldn't tell" Dooyoung mumbled.

 

"He does that sometime....." Jisung's small voice caught the group's attention, "He snapped at us once...." Chenle continues, recalling the memeory. "But then.....it was.....scary....he was crying so much, he was shaking and......and he was begging.....us....to forgive him.....he looked so scared.....he wasn't like himself" the remaining 00 liners widen their eyes. 

 

This was news to the hyungs as well, "He told us he was tired.....and he had high fever then.....but he only told us it was the sickness and stress" Chenle says, hands wiping away a stray tear. Kun gives him a hug, "He thought......he thought we hated him...." that last bit got everyone in the room feeling as if their heart just shattered. "He wa-was sick?" Jeno speaks up.

 

Chenle nods, "Very, he couldn't even stand on his own" Jeno felt like an asshole, "And I yelled at him-oh god no" he burries his face in hsi hands. "Why didn't none of you tell us?" Kun asks. "We thought it wasn't our place to tell...." Jisung answers. Taeyong steps away from the table and lean himself against the wall.

 

Johnny was absolutely heartbroken, Yuta was already aobbing quietly while Jaehyun and Taeil only stared down. They've been huge jerks towards the 127 maknae. The maknae who was hurting, confused and didn't know how to ask for help. 

 

"W-when was t-this?" Taeyong asks one last question, but it was like he didn't want to know he answer to said question. Chenle gripped harder onto Jisung's hand. 

 

"Nearly four months ago" 

 


	20. I'm Empty but what's New?

Minhwan finds himself shutting up and drive as Haechan throws himself into the backseat. The younger boy hugs his knees, harsh sobbing was heard. The manager was absolutely strucked, there's a boy breaking down back there and he has no freaking idea what to do but let his worry consume him.

 

He was surprised at the scene, although he had only started his job around February, he could tell the boys are close and family-ish with each other. Fights are a thing within group but the topic of that fight however wasn't a common thing.

 

Honestly, he thinks the boy is way overworked but there's only so much orders from the higher ups that he could go against for the kid until they decide to switch him somewhere else and he wasn't ready to risk Haechan getting a manager that wouldn't care of his wellbeing as he does. 

 

Haechan balled his hands into fist and pressed himself into the car seat, his own words winding back at him like venom. He was mad, at them for making him snap and mostly at himself for not getting a grip. They were just concerned so why was he so angry? They cared to ask and he, not push but shoved them away like an ungrateful brat he is. 

 

"Um Haechan?......I could cancel that-" but the man was quickly silenced with a 'NO!!' Haechan, eyes red and swollen from all the crying and his voice horse violently shook his head. "I'll be f-fine" he muttered. "Hey....I know we're not close or anything......but you can talk to me if there's something bothering you" 

 

The younger sniffs but did not answer the statement, the urge to.....do it was so strong. He feels so powerless in his own body and the desperate need to feel pain and maybe gain some control over what he feels is starting to consume him. Without Minhwan knowing he had slipped a hand under his other sleeve and pressed his nails hard into his skin.

 

The relief from pain came and left too quickly so he kept on digging crescent holes on his arms.The ride continues in silent except for the faint sudden sobs.

_

 

It was nearly 3am by the time he was back, Haechan waves at his manager before pausing to knock, it was quiet and suddenly he was thrown back into the times he had to sleep in the freezing cold corridors. Maybe he shouldn't bother, they were probably already asleep and it was his fault he forgot the keys anyway. It was not like he wasn't used to this.

 

His breathing pace quickens at the thought of being used to wuch a thing but alas he was proved to be one messed up kid from day 1, still it wasn't too cold that night so maybe fate was having mercy on him. He had been feeling pretty numb and empty for the past few hours anyway, maybe he won't even feel the cold. And this was just the perfect punishment for stepping out of place earlier that day, brilliant.

 

 Now that he thinks about it, the front porch was probably better than cold cement stairs, he sat down on the floor hugging himself while leaning against the glass curtain covered windows. He hadn't realized his exhaustion caught up to him and knock him out which was probably at how 'nothing' he felt. 

 

But at the end of the day, Haechan didn't think it was anything he didn't deserved. 

 

But what felt like minutes later, he finds himself waking up covered in something warm, and on something soft. The vocalist stirred awake, and sat up confusedly, was he not outside? And more importantly, he didn't recognize the room. His heart began to panicked, was he kidnapped? 

 

Oh god please not let him be any more of a trouble than he already is. He didn't evwn noticed the two figures that were in between him waking up. "H-Hyuckie hy-hyung?" Jisung muttered, and the boy quickly register that he may be in the maknaes plus Taeyong and Jungwoo room. "Jisung? Chenle?" He eyes and yes, it was those two maknaes around him.

 

The room had two queen beds, the three were in one and the other bed was empty. "H-hyung...." Jisung starts crying and Haechan leaps to pull him into a hug. "Hey hey .....what's wrong.....and how did I?" He's so confused but the priority is now on Jisung. Jisung didn't continue but kept on sobbing into Haechan. 

 

Haechan didn't know, he didn't know that when Dooyoung went out to get fresh morning air, the elder screamed bloody murder at the sight of his 127 unit maknae all sprawled out on the porch, unmoving. Yet he didn't wake up, Johnny and Taeyong rushed out in worry and Mark followed. 

 

Haechan didn't know the way Taeyong felt his heart died at the sight, how Johnny was ready to call an ambulance and Mark, poor Mark swoops down by his side in a mess of tears, heart beating too quick and hands way to panicky to find the faint pulse. He didn't know how terrified they were when his skin was ice to their touch, and no matter how loud they were screaming or crying, he wasn't waking up.

 

He didn't know Johhny carried him into the house, his other members snapping into panic at one look of him. He didn't know Chenle passed out from a terrible panic attack nor at how everyone is unsure what to do. He wasn't dead,that they knew with his pulse still there. He didn't know any of that,but one thing he does know, he caused another problem.

 

"Hey....hey shhh.....Sungie it's okay...." he assures the youngest. "But you're not" the words seems to electrified him. "It's gonna be okay.....just go back to sleep....." but Jisung clings onto him tighter, "No! Then...you'll leave....I-I can't l-lose you h-hyung..." he sobs but Haechan lulls him with his ridiculously hypocritical words.

 

 "It's okay Sungie, I'm not going anywhere.....I promise......" with that, an emotionally exhausted Jisung collapse back into bed. Haechan spares an adoring glance at Chenle and gets out of bed to properly tuck the maknaes in, it was 6am but he figured they could sleep in. 

 

He made his way down stairs to see almost everyone in the living room, they each had one worried look or another. Donghyuck hesitated, but Mark saw him and fly out of his chair and onto the stairs, capturing him in an embrace. It rendered him speechless in utter shock. 

 

He hears a few gasps here and there and the way Mark heartbeat was pacing so violently was enough to made him worry for the older boy. "Umm......what happened?" He asked once he's down he stairs.

 

Mark's hand protectively around his own but how odd it was that he barely feels anything, that warmth that used to come with his bandmates affection was completely gone. If anything, it made his slightly uncomfortable. 

 

"What happend? Hyuck we found you....unconscious out in the cold at an ungodly hour of the morning...." there was evident fear and drain in Taeyong's voice, it was obvious he had done some serious crying. "Oh.....I wasn't unconscious, I was asleep" he answered and everyone nearly cringeat how monotone and robotic it sounded.

 

"You..you knew??...." Jaehyun stammered out, he can't be serious! That couldn't be done on purpose. It was like Donghyuck had zero care on what his mouth is spouting at this point, of course he wasn't yelling in anger but more like just saying whatever. He's still pretty darn tired and the sleep only felt like a 15 minutes nap. 

 

There was a squeez around his hand, "I got back around ....um....3? Somewhere there, and I just assumed you were all already in bed and I forgot my keys so I just go with sleeping on the porch."he had said it so casually that it somehow scared them at how normal it was for him to admit just sleeping outside when he thinks nobody is awake. 

 

"W-what? That's ridiculous! You should've called or anything I'm sure some of us could go and get you in" Ten exclaims, "I didn't want to bother anyone, plus I did deserve that for yelling earlier that day, I'm really sorry about that" he says but yhere was still no obvious emotion in his voice, it was like a talking souless vessel. 

 

The way Jaehyun and Jaemin flinched at the statement didn't go unnoticed, or how Jungwoo, Taeil and Kun was looing at Haechan as if they did not recognize the boy. Sicheng had turned away and hides himself into Yuta's shoulder while the Japanese is trying hard to keep his calm demeanor. The Chinese trio were not present, Renjun and Jeno only stared at their same age friend utmost guilt.

 

"Haechan....." Johnny starts, his voice sounded brokenheart, "Nothing.......and I mean nothing at all that you could've done or said that will make you deserve such....treatment" it was hard to jaut restrain himself from jumping at the boy and hug him with all the love they seem to stop givi g him just because he stopped asking fo it.

 

Their neglect only becoming more and more obvious, Haechan all the time only had a poker face or a confused one. "Well.....It's not like I'm not used to it.....it's fine" he says, the words shot out to them like knives. "Wh-what? Used......to it?" It seemd like as each second passed, Taeyong is seeing all sorts of reasons and proofs that he had failed as a leader.

 

"In February, the first time it happend. I only slept for a little while on the stairs, then I went in when I knew Dooyoung woke up" Dooyoung feels his blood drain remembering that night. "Then it was April, same thing" Haechan says, not at all bothered. "It's not your fault hyungs, there's so many of us, someone is bound to be forgotten sometimes" 

 

But it shouldn't be that way, no matter how many were they, no.one should ever be forgotten, families don't forget someone behind. "Haechan....oh my god, why....why didn't you tell us?" It made them think this was all just a tip of the clearly massive iceberg. "I didn't think it mattered, it's not like it was anything big"

 

"Haechan, it's......this.....this isn't something small Haechan. This isn't okay, you're not okay" Mark whispers at him, Haechan frowns "Everyone keeps on saying that, I'm fine really." He wasn't, it was clear as the day sky he was anything but that. But how can he tell them that? He can tell them 'what' but how could he tell them 'why' and 'how'? "Just forget it, it's nothing" and he walks off to the kitchen. 

 

Jaehyun grabs his hand but Donghyuck quickly pull away, "I said sorry, _we're done talking_....please just....leave me alone" Jaehyun could seen with every inch of detail that his Hyuckie isn't here anymore. Only someone cold and broken, someone who was betrayed and lied to, someone who had given up. 

 

"Haechan, let us help-" 

 

"I don't want any" 

 

**_Because I need it, please I need all of you_ **

**_Help me_ **

 


	21. I Am Overwhelmed

"That's a wrap, amazing job boys! You're all absolutely ready for that comeback or debut" the dance instructor compliments them.

Jisung and Chenle were still bouncing with energy after the 3 hours of grueling practice while the other adults are dead to the world with their heavy panting on the floor. 

 

Donghyuck sat against the mirror, his lungs felt like they were going to combust and he's shaking from the lack of nutrients.

Comeback season had prevented him from indulging in his cutting tendacies, so Haechan finds other ways to punish himself for his mistakes.

 

He barely lets himswlf sleep, he would force himself to stay awake till the point of 3 hours every four days. He starves himself, although this proved to be really hard with nearly everyone at his neck. 

 

Not sleeping is easy, he has his own room and he always has it locked, therefore they couldn't check whether or not he was sleeping. But purposely not eating is a task, Sicheng's eating disorder is still going through recovery.

And with that, the parents line had became a bit more ...stalkerish...and with that new look they had on him due to the usual behavior.....

 

He's being watched like a hawk.

 

Now, it was different back then when it felt like they couldn't give two shit if he was alive or not but now it was like having someone breathing dowm his neck any time possible.

They were hovering around him and treating him like he was some helpless idiot that'll trip and snap his neck if he wasn't being careful.

 

And boy, he knows that. But was it necessary to be reminded of that fact when your own mind is already a hella fantastic reminder? Fate really hates him.

 

He feels Johnny poking his shoulder, "We're going to have lunch, come on" Haechan pressed his eyes tightly and groans

"Can't go, schedules" he mumbled, Minhwan is probably waiting for him in the lobby. "Fine, but don't skip lunch" his voice is stern and it nearly makes Donghyuck cringes.

 

He waited till the elder was out of sight, thanked the dance instructor and walks out to see someone who's isn't his Minhwan hyung.

"I'll be replacing your previous manager for the time being, he had to leave due to family issues" his voice monotone and dull. Donghyuck nods, but he didn't like this.

 

"Restroom" he muttered and proceeds to run off again, he does that a lot these days. Running away from one thing to another, his hyungs, his manager, his life.

It had been so easy, so blurry yet quick when all he could feel was a void of nothingness. 

 

Nothing, that's what he is right?

 

So why can he feel everything now?

 

Every scratch, pulse and beat booms too loudly in his head. Too much, it had simply became way too much. The way his emotions seems to be ripping him apart, loath, anger and despair mixing ever so horribly to create a mass of ugly emotions.

 

Yesterday, someone may as well stab him in the chest and let him bleed to death and he wouldn't even notice but even a slight brush against skin would make him leap to the side as if someone electrocuted him. From nothing to everything-fucking-crashed-on-me too quickly.

 

Haechan dips his hand into his pocket and pulls out a small blade that he had gotten from disassembling a small pair of art scissors.

It wasn't sharp enough to draw blood but he has to make do with whatever he can if he's keeping the cat in the bag. 

 

And by some god damn miracle, his phone goes off. He hears the tuneand knows exactly who it was, the blade is still tightly clutched in the palms of his hand.

It rang for a while but he couldn't bring himself to pick up. He hears the faint beep and the call went to voicemail.

 

Haechan wants to scream and sob, Han Jisung you absolute forsaken angel

 

He grabs the object and scan the screen, it shows a recent message by the rapper himself. 

 

**'Hyuckie? Practice is over right? Since we have filming together later, let's get ice cream afterwards!! 😁😁😁'**

_**Sent 1 minute ago.....** _

 

**'Hyuck, I care about you. You matter to me yeah? Everyone loves you, we all love you'**

_**Sent a few seconds ago....** _

 

The vocalist couldn't keep a choked sob, he shove the phone back into his pocket and slams his back to the wall. He half minded to keep his sobbing to a minimum level, his mind roaring like hellfire inside his head. 

 

_You don't deserve them, you useless pathetic piece of garbage do not for a freaking second is even worthy of being the dirt on the ground they're walking on._

 

Stray Kids had been reaching out to him ever since that collaboration, some days his mind spared a small mercy and let him bask in their undying kindness and maybe felt safe for a minute but once he's back the safety feeling turned into a nightmare too vivid to be illusions.

He had healed and took one step forward but then shattered again and shoved 100 steps back.

 

He hitch down his pants, and didn't hesitate to slash the blade across his skin, leaving a trail of red streak against an unhealthy shade of light brown.

The pain he seeks kicks in and he groans, there had been times when he couldn't even feel a single sting despite blood dripping onto the floor but the pain he's currently feeling course through his very being and it was only a scratch.

 

 _Pathetic_  

 

He really just wants it to end already

 

_

 

Something was terribly wrong, Haechan arrived on set a little later tahn scheduled and one of the pdnims are scolding him for it.

That was odd, usually managers are held responsible for things like these. But the new face definitely did not show he was steppingin any time soon.

 

"Hey" Jisung greets him, Chan and Changbin are still getting makeup done. He is so excited since it's their first interview for their collaboration.

Haechan looked horrible in a way only some could tell, he is obviously very tired and the dark circles only proved he hadn't been sleeping properly. 

 

Jisung smiles at him sadly, the boy nver told them what was up in his mind but they respect that, helping him anyway they know that they can. "Can I?" He holds out his hands. Haechan simply shrugs and let himself be pulled into a hug.

 

He feels the slightly taller boy shaking in his embrace, he made not a single noise but somehow it was almost like Jisung could hear the hysterical screaming in the other's head.

He fought his own fair share of demons, they were devils and a true pain if dealt alone. But Haechan has his hyungs right? All 18 plus 2 dongsengs. 

 

The staffs on set paid no mind, young idols having breakdowns from stress in between filming? Just another day at work for them.

"Hey you're okay yeah? It's going to be okay" Jisung mumbles into his ears. It only pushed Donghyuck closer to full out sobbing. "It...its not.....I'm .......I'm so.....tired" 

 

Wake up (if he slept that is), shower, cut, fake for hyungs, practice, interviews, cut some more, music show, panic attacks, fake for Jisung and Chenle, practice, more cutting.

The horrid cycle drained him to his last.....last...everything!

 

"I know, god Hyuckie.....I know but please......" he grips onto Donghyuck so tightly, his own tears forming. 

 

His minds wanders to 4 years ago, how he had pulled an unmoving body of his current leader out of a tub of red, madly screaming and sobbing for said male to wake up.

Praying appreciation and gratefulness to all known god and deities as he all but kneels on the hospital floor when said hyung finally woke up.

 

He wasn't ready to go through that again, never will and definitely not for someone as amazing as the person in his arms. Someone he had grown very fond of, "Please don't give up Hyuck.........you're very strong...." he mumurs but it came out like a plead. "I'm sorry........I'm sorry" Haechan sobbed.

 

Dear god please don't make him watch as someone he fell in love with throw themselves away.

He loved him, even if Haechan doesn't love himself. 

 


	22. I'm Not Having It

Haechan hops out of the black car and push through the gates, he didn't bother knocking since he has his own keys with him. The vocalist enters the oddly quiet dorm, the other 127 had schedules but Dream don't. WayV left yesterday but Sicheng and Kun stayed, Kun because of the comeback and Sicheng for a few Korean schedules.

 

He sees the three other 00 liners are deep asleep on top of each other on the couch, and he did remember reading in the groupchat that ChenSung went out to film for 'Chenji This and That' a little before he arrived. Kun smiles at him when he emerges from the kitchen.

 

"I made cookies, want some Haechan?" He held out a bucket of those warm treats, Haechan would've grab them without a second thought but it felt wrong in all ways.

He wasn't close with Kun unlike the other Dreamies, Kun shouldn't be so nice to him when he never really tried to get to know the elder. 

 

They shared a few convo and maybe joked a bit but he didn't feel deserving of anything from Kun (or any of them really). He took one piece as a polite gesture and thanked Kun for it.

He didn't notice how worried the older was, god knows how he had been going around asking whatin the world is going with a certain Full Sun.

 

And he freaked the hell out when the two maknaes nearly burst into tears when he asked them. Kun was helpless as heck, his absence causing him to be at a disadvantage.

And it pained him seeing any of those kids suffering like this, and a sort of anger growing for the others. Why isn't anyone doing anything? 

 

Haechan thanked him and was about to leave but he had gently but also suddenly grabs his arms. Haechan flinched, pulling away his arms before breaking into apologies. The younger idol seems to shake in distress and it makes his parental instinct go crazy.

 

"Hae-Donghyuck, can we....can we sit down? Maybe....talk?" Kun with his ever so sweet and gentle voice talked to him, and Haechan swears it was almost like he was talking like Chan. "I'm very worried little sun, please talk to hyung?" And Donghyuck is utterly terrified. 

 

Kun is nice but what if he's like the others? The others were nice too but look what that road took him, what if it was just the same trick? Or he's doing this because the others told him to?

His mind is conflicted, the only ones he trusts were Stray Kids but Kun loves Dreamies, maybe he love-No, he can't...he doesn't..why would he even care right?

 

Yet Haechan nods hesitantly and sat down at the dining table while Kun takes a seat next to him, he's hurt as it is, what's one more crack is going to do? A lot apparently.

 

"Hey bud, things been rough?" Kun speaks korean well now, must be nice to make big improvements. He waited a little before nodding "Wanna talk to me about it? I'll listen" he shakes his head, no way.

"Alright.....I guess it must be really hard huh? I understand Haechanie, that feeling." There was a sudden gush of anger and a desire to scream 'NO YOU DON'T'

 

"We care little sun, your hyungs are all here for you when you need us. But you need to tell us or we won't know" he didn't spoke a word with Stray Kids, but they get it right off the bat.

Where were they when he was drowned in schedules, sleeping outside, destroying himself? 

 

It took them months to see and once they do, they did nothing but hover around him like helicopters. Watching, observe and more watching.

The maknaes were unsure what to speak up about, he doesn't blame them, they are young and scared like him.

The 00 liners? They don't really include him with them because of his schedules he lost his touch with his fellow same age bandmates. 

 

They called him things then, prankster, troublemaker, maknae on top, evil maknae, annoying, obnoxious and the words rolled of their tongue without any regards that it broke him.

Even when he tried to be better, they somehow managed to make his efforts backfire him. Now that they saw their mistakes, they wouldn't even swear with him in earshot.

 

Why was he here? In this pitch black void of nothing? Because nobody bothered to hold out their hand and catch him when he fell, they're only trying to fix a grave mistake they made.

They weren't trying to help him because they cared, they weren't helping him at all. They only wanted to fix their 'mistake' so they could carry on living in perfection.

 

And guess what? Haechan gets it. He gets that those facts are Valid with a capital V. He wasn't worth it, he was never anything to any of them.

So they cried a bit, panicked a little, worried some more and then the next day it was like the 'problem' never existed. Like he never existed.

 

So really, how can he trust them? 

 

He looked at Kun, REALLY looked at Kun. He saw how the elder tensed, the evidence of worry clouded his eyes. But Kun? He saw how those deep dark brown orbs waver in a broken way, defensive, scared every bit of trauma and negetivity all mashed up in those eyes. 

 

"Maybe it's best this way, but thanks for caring hyung I....I'm sorry" he gets up and quickly leaves before he burst into tears. Kun sat there with an unsettling feeling, he shot out of his seat and envelope the 127 in a hug. Donghyuck did jumped, harsher this time but was shaking by the time he lets go.

 

The younger singer is obviously holding in his tears, it was so weird but so overwhelmingly nice to be hug like this. The way he could almost recognize the feeling of pure love seep through his skin that he had long forgotten. The security and safeness in the hands of people he cares so much about.

 

 Kun pulls away but both of his hands are on Hyuck's shoulders, his eyes teary as he caress the maknae's cheeks "I'm sorry.....I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you...none of us were...Donghyuck, I'm so sorry....I'll make it up to you.....I swear, god ...I'm so so sorry" 

 

He pulls Donghyuck in for another hug, this time the boy being embraced did not shake.

_

It was night time, around 11. Quite an early off for Donghyuck, he was sitting next to Yuta with his ear phones plugged in and the book he had been writing in hugged close to his chest. 127's mini show filming was the last thing on his schedule and his next one which is an early radio show is set at 4am. 

 

The van came to a halt, he waited till he could get out. His head had been pounding again, the voices or actual headaches? Doesn't know and doesn't matter.

It made him dizzy, and of course. He took one wrong step and went down crashing onto the person next to him, Jungwoo. It was like one issue after another.

 

Instant fear kicks in as he scramble to get up, which was hard since they crashed right at the door and their limbs are tangled but Jungwoo is mostly underneath him. Taeyong pulls him up while Jaehyun helps Jungwoo. His breathing is eractic as it is, but freaks out further when he sees the wound on Jungwoo's cheek. 

 

_You're such a fuckup!_

 

"Oh my god what is your problem!? Get a grip, we're all tired" the words left Yuta's lips before he could process them. They were exhausted and anything is basically a trigger to snapping. Nobody usually meant what they say but it doesn't work that way for Donghyuck. His mind went into a sort of self loathing overdrive.

 

And of course it had to be Donghyuck of all people. He breaks out of Taeyong's grip "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I did mean to I swear I didn't mean to I'm so sorry I'm sorry" 

 

Haechan wasn't aware he was shaking very violently, nor how he is a sobbing mess. "Hyuck Hyuck can you hear me? Breathe Hyuck, breathe, Hyuck" his head was suddenly against a surface, he felt a steady rise and fall and somehow after an agonizing 30 minutes of forgetting how to breathe, managed to get his breathing back to somewhat normal.

 

He was pulled away."Hyuck? Hyuckie?" He slowly tear his eyes open, Mark's crying face filled with worry was the first thing he sees. When was he in the house? When did he moved? How does he keep realizing he switched position without noticing? He is now laying on the sofa with the entire unit looking like they're about to pass out.

 

When he had started to panic out loud hysterically, Yuta was being yelled at by a fuming Dooyoung and Johnny. The maknae had been on his knees begging for forgiveness, Jungwoo was far too stunned to react, Taeil reaching for Haechan with Mark while Jaehyun tries to cool the other two down. 

 

The boy stares up his bandmates, "Hyuck, we're so worried." The adrenaline seems to pump back in almost instantly and trully does he curse his bizzare mood swings. "Stop saying that" he bites, teeth clenching in annoyance. "Mark was suddenly caressing his arm, his fingers were trembling against the exposed skin littered with marks that shouldn't exist. 

 

Haechan shrieks, he pullls his hand away and very much glared at every hyung in present. A look of pure hurt in his eyes, "How....how dare you!!" He yanks down his sleeves and hugs himself. There was so much going on in his head, a sick feeling of betrayal and horror. "Donghyuck you're hurting, this.....isn't good......this is terrifying......need get help" Johnny coaxes. 

 

If only Johnny knew he's using all the wrong words, "Hurting? I'm sorry, hate say it but I'm fucking dead, I'm way passed that hurting shit and you don't get a fucking say that this isn't good or if it's terrifying. So yeah, I'm the worst person to ever walk the earth congratu-fucking-lations to me right? Piss off" he he shoves himself of the sofa. 

 

"Hyuck, I know we've been assholes, jerks, ignorant and neglecting morons but please just give us another chance!" Haechan shot up his seat and screamed. "I'M DONE DOING THAT! ! you don't fucking think I tried?! I'm so goddamn tired of this shit, like can I just fucking die already?!" That last sentece cut through all plane of existence like a knife. Dooyoung could practically feels his heart stopping. 

 

"Look, I'm sorry yelled, screamed, cursed but it doesn't really matter does it? You hate me either way, I get it, I'm nothing. You don't have to care just because we're coworkers in the same group. You're not obliged to care about me. Just...stop.....this.....whatever this is, can't we go back to the way it was?"

 

Jungwoo sobbed, Taeil had looked away, his face morphs into that of a horror. Jaehyun and Yuta were crying silently, Taeyong felt like a failure. How did he let it get so bad? "God Hyuck no....oh my god...no Hyuck....it's......not.....how even..?" Mark was lost, there was too many thing wrong with that single speech. 

 

Too many words that didn't make sense and shouldn't ever make sense and words that he never wants to hear slipping out of his best friend's mouth. How did even think of those things? Why the hell would he think they hated him?! Nothing?!?! He was the furthest thing from 'nothing'.

 

"Donghyuck, you're not okay. We don't hate you, never Hyuck. We can help, we're trying to help you.... Please give us a chance to help you" Taeyong pleads, it nearly gave him a heart attack just seeing those scars. Those god awful barcods like scars that scatter on his skin in lines that parallel and correspond. 

 

"That's not what you usually say tho" he didn't even turn around to look at them. "What is Haechan-I mean, Lee Donghyuck to his members?" There was a cold fat silence. A grave dreadful epiphany.

"A brat, a whiny evil 'I wish he would just shut up' troublemaking deadweight little shit. Might as well add _'better off dead'_ as the cherry on top huh?" The obvious distrust and hurt is so clear in his voice. 

 

Mark leaps to hug him but Haechan bolted out of the living room. He sprints and shuts his door. A flurry of knocks banged against the door, he drops to his knees, burried his already hurting head into them. He didn't cry, simply sitting there and listen till the knock dispersed into silence.

 

His phone ranged, Han is calling him again. For the first time ever, he didn't bother answering. 


	23. I'm Nearly Gone

Sicheng heaved and nearly buried his head into the toilet bowl. His eyes pricked with fresh tears, the acidic taste stung his taste buds and reminds him of his relapse. He had been careful to not be caught hearing the argument between the few moments ago.

 

Hearing his unit maknae saying such thing broke his heart, the god awful feeling had bubbled and push him into relapsing. Why hadn't he do something like a good hyung would? 

 

He grips onto the ceramic surface and silently sobs, Yuta is going to be so disappointed in him. He had been doing so well-

 

A hand gently rubs circles on his back, he could feel thin limbs draping themselves around him. "Come on hyung....shhh.....it's okay" that voice, it had sounded so scared and angry just now. He lets himself get hoist up, and he is brought to the sink to wash up. 

 

But everyone is asleep, he made sure of that. Who is-? He looks back to see red rimmed eyes that belonged to a brown haired maknae. "H...Hyuck....." the vocalist smiles a small smile but said nothing. He helps Sicheng clean and guide the elder downstairs, "Hyuck.....I.....I....." 

 

The younger pulls out a small tub of low-fat yogurt from the fridge and hands it to Sicheng, "Its okay, I know you're doing your best hyung" Sicheng went speechless, grabbing the offered food albeit with his hands slightly shaking. 

 

He did notice how Haechan is properly dressed up, "Why are you wearing that?" He asks out of pure curiosity, "Filming, manager-nim will be here soon" he sat on the single armchair, his fingers playing with the book in his hands. "But....but you just got back?"

 

Haechan grins, a bittersweet expression on his face "It be like that sometimes" 

 

They sat in silence in that what o'clock in the morning. Sicheng finished half of the yogurt, he could see a satisfied smile on Donghyuck's face. "I hate myself sometimes" he blurts out, not wanting to bask in silence any second longer "I've been going for therapy for months but......I'm still like this...."

 

"No, you got better. A lot better hyung" the younger counters, "I guess, but it still sucks.....I hate this feeling.....it feels bad" Donghyuck cast his gaze away, his mouth muttering a silent "I get it, I know how it feels" 

 

"Yoy have us hyung, we're all here for you. You're not alone" he cheered, a huge smile practiced to look flawless on his face. "And so are you Hyuck." With that statement, the fake smile crumbled. Donghyuck fights back an urge to cry. 

 

"I know that" he whispers, but his voice was so small amd uncertain as if he waas trying to convince himself. "I sure hope so......I want to help too....I can help.....I really do" Haechan shakes his head "I wish I can let you.....and the other hyungs but.....but......"

 

_**I'm terrified** _

 

"Its not that I hate you or blame you but.......I don't want......to get hurt again" he says, "And.......besides.....it's better this way.......just because I have something doesn't mean I deserve it" Sicheng gone confused. The translation still in progress inside his head, Haechsn left right after when a whirring sound of engine is heard outside.

 

Once he was able to get it, he was shell shocked at the words, it took him minutes to decipher but he finds himself gasping and frowning. "Oh Hyuck......."

_

 

Chan helplessly watch as Jisung and Hyunjin paced around the dorm. Chan really hopes they don't all go into a panicked mode. Jisung's at the very edge of getting his trauma triggered while he has to make sure Hyunjin's breathing is as normal as it could be. 

 

Felix is still trying to text and call a certain vocalist, his seperation anxiety doing the worse on him. "Hyung...I don't like this at all" Jisung mumbled, his hands had started to slightly shake. 

 

Seungmin sat alone in silence, but this was normal for him, Insomnia has been messing with him. The leader is greatly tempted to slip some knock out juice to him but doesn't go with that cuz he knows Seungmin hates it.

 

Even good fighters like them have off days, "Guys, numbers please? And your colours?" The numbering system they had is in all ways convenient. 

 

1 being okay and 10 being definitely is about to have a serious breakdown/attack/meltdown.

 

Green means no urges or okay, blue means feeling 'float-ish' and needs grounding. Grey means numbness. Crimson means self harm/relapse. Lilac means the voices are too loud, while Scarlet means suicidal thoughts. 

 

"8, lilac"

 

"6, grey"

 

"8....I don't know"

 

"9.8 somewhat near crimson"

 

Chan sees Felix shaking visibly now, it was endearing that even in a short amount of time, he grew attached to Donghyuck. But that only adds another name to the list of people that could trigger his separation anxiety. 

 

"You two off to bed, Seungmin can you......try?" Seungmin blanked out for a few seconds before nodding. Jisung and Hyunjin rebeled "Chan? Handling the kids on your own again?" Woojin steps out of his room, a 'I'm not mad just a tinge bit annoyed' expression on his face. 

 

"What's your number sweets? A colour too" him? He totally forgotten about himself. "7......but I'm green, can you and the others take em in? I'll deal with Felix" he assures the actual eldest. "You had to ask? Of course" 

 

Minho and Changbin pops out, Minho takes Jisung by his waist and practically drags the younger into his arms and back into his room. While Changbin gets Hyunjin, he effortlessly picks up the rapper depsite their height difference and takes him in. 

 

"Maknae?" Chan questions, "Asleep like a baby, will you be alright?" Woojin asks, he pulls Seungmin up and tucks him into his arms. Chan smiles sadly but nods. "H-hyung......I.....I have to...." Felix mumbled. "Shhh.....I'm about to do something illegal, manager hyung might kill me but......anything for you and I'm worried as heck too" 

 

Felix could only follow his actions as he was pulled up and before he knows it a jacket is over him and his shoes are on and they're out of the door with the sound of car keys jiggling. 

_

 

Donghyuck stared at the water flowing beneath the bridge. He sat on the ledge, his feet dangling above the water. Filming was canceled, his manager dropped him off a little further from the house so he decided a little detour won't hurt.

 

He thought of what Sicheng told him just now, heart aching as he thinks how everything could be if he was just a bit better. There's that little part of him that screamed in joy when they actually tried to help him, reached out to him. 

 

But after everything, the long silence suffering. What if......what if he can't get better? What if he is a lost cause that's only waiting for his end? He still remembers of the mess of red on his floor that he still has yet to clean. 

 

Haechan is glad that the blood did not seeped through his clothes while with Sicheng, there are obvious blots of red of his sleeves right now. He would never admit to having depression, so get better from what exactly? They say it's an illness but he's sure as hell he's not sick. 

 

Its just him, how he is. And to change, even for the better..........sounds......terrifying. Waking up each day and not feel like the world is shitting on him sounds like a dream and yet, he doesn't think he could learn to live like that again. 

 

It'll be........wrong somehow

 

Haechan continues to stare, a little voice in the back of his head whispering how it's only one move and it'll all dissappear and he'll be fine.

 

 He would vanish and the world would continue to spin and forgets that he even existed. Surely, without even realizing it he inched closer. 

 

But then, there were two figures settling next to him on each side. He sees their own reflection in he water. He sees their gazes trying to keep a calm facade and push down all that trembling fear down. 

 

"H-hey....." Chan starts, his voice no louder than a whisper. Felix's small hands finds themselves wrapping around Donghyuck's. "I wasn't.....I...it's not ......what it looks like..."

 

They sat like that for what feels like an eternity, until they could finally get the young vocalist to stand on land again. 

 

"I'm.......I'm sorry"

 

"Us too" 

 

"Why though?"

 

"We....I.....dunno....it feels like we're at fault somehow"


	24. I'm The Cause

The two guide the younger away from the bridge and into Chan's black car, Donghyuck sat in silence. Felix is next to him with a hand clamped around Donghyuck's. His mind supplying him the fact Hyuck could've jump if they hadn't been there.

 

 

The leader wordlessly stare out of the window, his tears threatening to spill. He had been in this particular situation, just that he was on the other end of it. "I wasn't going to" Haechan whispers. "I really wasn't, I didn't know how I......I didn't mean to" 

 

 

The vocalist had yet to register the fact he is here, that they are really here in solid form next to him. He was so close to edge, so close to his 'Happy Ending' would he had jumped if they hadn't came? "We know" Felix mumurs, too petrified to think straight.

 

 

"Lets......go to our dorm for now, we'll send you back in the morning" Chan suggests, and waits for the other to respond. After a deafening silence, the car engines comes to life and leaves the small housing area. 

 

 

_

 

 

Woojin is about to kick some ass.

 

 

Haechan is still soundly asleep on Chan's bed, the leader had grab him to the side to explain what happened. The thought of Haechan almost.....what the hell has those idiots been doing?!? "Woojin! Woojin! Calm down....breathe.....Woojin.... Listen to me....breathe" 

 

 

Jisung woke up a few momments ago and automatically latch onto Haechan, Hyunjin too did the same while Minho puts Felix to bed. "I thought he told us they were helping him with it?!"

 

Chan must admit, this Woojin is scary. "That's the thing, what if......he lied? Maybe they hadn't been helping or they don't even know. He was realy shaken then, I would lie too to be honest" 

 

 

Woojin groans, and punches the wall. There was immediate regret once ge sees how badly Chan flinched. "Shit, I'm sorry Chan....I'm just...really ....and for once, reasonably......furious" damn his anger issues. Chan shakes his head "It's fine......but what are we going to do?" 

 

 

Chan's misty eyes looks into his own, Woojin suddenly could only see a scared young boy who was afraid of someone he cared ending up like himself. The eldest tugs him into a hug, "We're paying my ex-labelmates a little visit" 

 

 

Haechan shifts around, someone is holding him. He fluttered his eyelids open to see a mop of orange. Surprised, he shot up from his lying position, waking up the two other in the process.

 

"Ji-Jisung? What are you-" but he couldn't finish his sentence when said boy launch into hugging him.

 

 

He could hear him sobbing quietly, "Ji...Jisung.....hey......you're okay...you're okay" he tries to comfort the other, "You're not" came another voice. Haechan turns around to see Hyunjin looking at him with sad eyes dried of tears

 

"I...I was so scared....I thought.....I thought......You were..." the NCT vocalist did not let him finish that and loop him into the hug as well. "I'm fine...I'm okay" 

 

 

"You're not but that's okay, cuz neither are we" Hyunjin mumbled, Donghyuck draws a sharp breath "What time is it?" The two didn't answer him but he got a glimpse at the clock on their wall. His panic coming to a rise, "7am?! No no no no no!! I'm late for practice!!" 

 

 

"You don't have practice" Minho says, the dancer steps into the room and sat next to the boys. "Chan hyung contacted your manager, said you're here for a mixtape project for the whole day. So you'll be staying here with us for today"

 

 

Donghyuck didn't know if he should be happy or annoyed, "NCT U's comeback stage is the day after tomorrow, I can't miss practice, I need to perfect my performance" he reasoned. Minho sighs "What you need is actual rest, proper meals and destressing. With high doses of encouragement in between" 

 

 

Jisung clings to him tighter whike Hyunjin burries his face into thw crook of his neck, "Plus, Chan set up a appointment for you with our personal therapist. She's awesome" Donghyuck froze at that statement, what? No no no, he doesn't need to see a therapist.

 

 

"Therapist? But I'm not.... I'm not.....mentally sick...I'm fine, really" Jisung pulls away slightly "Let us help you....please" his eyes pleaded for Donghyuck, his hands clutching onto Haechan's sleeves. The vocalist winces, Jisung's hands flew away in an instant. 

 

 

"Oh..." he didn't knew to look to know what that was. The sadness drowns him again, he could vividly imagine the angry red lines coating Donghyuck's delicate skin. "Its.....nothing......okay.....a working progress?" 

 

 

But somewhere within, he cried tears of joy at the news, he had in secret always wanted to get help. Hearing stories from Jeongin and Jisung and even Sicheng made him wanted at some point to see a therapist but he was too afraid to ask. That part of him thanked Chan with his life. 

 

 

But the dominant part of him, says fuck him and his ridiculous ideas. He doesn't need nor deserve help. Still, with Jisung staring at him with not just any puppy dog eyes, its the kicked puppy dog eyes. How can be say no? 

 

 

"Fi-fine.....I guess..." the silence 'thank you so much' is unsaid but the three in the room with him heard it loud and clear. 

 

 

_

 

 

Taeyong has a really bad feeling about this, it had been years since Woojin last contacted them or vice versa. The simple 'We need to talk' on his ohone screen is tipping him in an unwanted anxiety. He tried asking but each message he sent was left on seen.

 

 

The hyung line are all gathered in the dining room, letting the younger ones sleep in for a bit. Winwin is contemplating, should he tell? Would that be betraying Hyuck? 

 

 

"Woojin? As in, debuted in Stray Kids Woojin?" Jaehyun can't help but be curious. "Yeah, but not all of us can stay of course. Apparently me being our leader has something to do with it, so the rest of you should just go on with your schedules."

 

 

Winwin shifts uncomfortably in his seat at the table, he suppose he needs to draw attention first "I relapsed" and those two simple words had the entire group's attention on him.

 

"What? When? Why....why didn't you call me?" Yuta pushed, "Hyuck helped me, he was about to leave for schedules then" 

 

 

"Oh yeah, where is he? Should be back by now" Mark says, "He probably goes straight to the dance studio" Johnny supplies. "He.....said something" Sicheng mumbled, "Huh? Really? What did he said?" Dooyoung inquires, the night left him uncomfortable.

 

 

He kept wanting to go to the younger, but Dooyoung knew better than to push him further after everything before.

 

Mark especially march right across the room to listen closer, he hadn't been able to sleep because of that, wanting nothing more than to bust open the door of the single bedroom, god why did they let him be alone?

 

 

"He said...he....j-just because....he has help.....doesn't mean he......he.....deserves it" his words stumble over the slight choke of tears. With that statement alone, it was trully official.

 

 

Every single one of them are complete failures as hyungs. 

 

 

To let someone on their team to feel neglected, unwanted and alone to the point they felt not deserving of help? How did they fucked up so badly? Haechan thinks-No, believes with his whole heart that they all hate him, don't want him.

 

 

Jaehyun stood and left, "oh god.....he has depression.....he...he....fuck" Taeil cursed, Jungwoo said nothing. His mind going over each memory, and he feels so freaking angry because of fucking course. It was so obvious!

 

 

The distancing, the slowly growing quietness, the sudden tiredness that looms over him. The actuality that Haechan feels bad to even wake them up and slept outside because he believes he was no one to them. It was all there, the signs were there as clear as the day.

 

 

There's harsh knocking on the door, it startled them. Yuta had taken Winwin and Jungwoo upstairs, Taeil wants to be alone to rethink while Johnny, Mark, Taeyong and Kun were left, Dooyoung gets the door. "Hyung?" Jeno calls out, Renjun next to him and Jaemin on his back. 

 

 

"Kids, um....we have someone over..could you-" but there's a flurry of stomping, Woojin with Chan, Hyunjin and Seungmin enters the room. The eldest of the other group stopping but had the most ferocious glare directed at anyone in sight that he deems to supposedly care for their member. 

 

 

Taeyong gulps, their guests were a lot earlier and angrier than he had expected. "Mind telling me a bit about Hyuckie? Please amuse me, what's going on with him" the main vocalist of Stray Kids seethes. Chan actually looks a little worried with how mad Woojin is

 

 

"Calm down Woojin, seriously....." he whispers, Hyunjin and Seungmin however takes one look at the three members of NCT Dream and bolt for them, "We need to talk" dragging them off to the living room.

 

"What's with you? He's....we're trying to figure things out" Johnny starts, annoyed that they were being intrude on like this. 

 

 

Chan almost looked horrified, "You....you....none of you? Really have...Any idea?" The anger growing in his voice. "Hyung, with all due respect. You can't just storm in and interrogate us like we murdered someone, what goes on with out teammate shouldn't be any of your concern" Mark adds. 

 

 

 

That flipped Woojin off, "None of our concern?!? Well excuse me Mark but if we hadn't make him our concern, your supposedly best friend would've been at the bottom of a stream by now and by then all that you ignorant assholes could do is watch him taken away to be burried somewhere!!"

 

 

The icy silence that follows could cut throught the core of the earth. A trembling shaking voice breaks the silence, if Kun's heart shattered when he talked to Haechan

 

 

If his soul was ripped apart hearing what the 127 founded that night

 

 

If his being is being crushed by hell itself knowing what Haechan throughly felt from Sicheng.

 

 

God, he wasn't at all by any means prepared himself to face this absolute clusterfuck right at that moment when his eyes land on the two maknaes of NCT, and

 

 

"H-H-Hyu....Hyuckie h-hyu...hyung is...is......" and he looked closer, flew up to his feet to catch the youngest Chinese who colapse, Chenle's hands covered in red.

 

Red that Kun knew wasn't his.

 

 

Jisung followed shortly after, but unlike Chenle, he fell onto his knees, hacking on air to breathe. Clutching his face with his hands that were also tainted with red crimson that wasn't his. 

 

 

If everything before was straight up torturous and unbearable. Kun doesn't have a second of his thoughts to feign what this is. 

 

 


	25. I'm Somewhat Trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry guys  
> Got a MAJOR block and I couldn't write anything for months hell I was afraid myself that I'm losing interest.
> 
> But here we go I still got it apparently!

".....I see, how did you feel about that?" Choi noona asks with an amused smile, "Honestly? Now that I think about it, it was....... pretty fun....." Donghyuck chirps with a giggle. He had thought she would drill him into talking about his feelings but the first thing they did was talk about his childhood and now his trainee days. 

 

The middle aged woman was slow and gentle but not afraid to beat around the bush, at some point he did started talking a little bit about his current feelings without her even tackling him to talk about it. 

 

Seungmin stayed with him for the first few minutes before leaving for practice. He was tensed but Choi noona has this amazing ability to make someone comfortable in record time. He was spilling nearly everything by now and even surprised himself. "And I....I hurt myself sometimes......"

 

He had expected her to be shock or disappointed but she only nods and smiled proudly as if Haechan did something amazing. He's not really sure how that works.....

 

"I'm proud of you for admitting that, not a lot of my patients can do what you did. Especially when we just met" she said with a wink. "May I know how you felt? And Why as well please" She was gentle but did not treat him like glass, it felt nice. 

 

"I...I guess......it was nice. It feels nice.... for a little while....when I feel that pain.....I don't feel everything else.....and it feels better that way" she didn't even flinched. "And for why......I supposed.....justice? I just feel like.....I should be punished....for any wrong thing I did......and I like how it looks? It looks very........pretty somehow....I just......like it...." 

 

It did not sound that bad in his head, god he sounded like a sick maniac. He hadn't realized how addicted he became to the feeling of sharpness against skin. The thought made him shudder.

 

Choi noona nods, writing down some notes. "Thank you for sharing with me, how do you feel now?" Donghyuck stops to think. 

 

Huh

 

He feels.......better, not a lot but better. 

 

"Thank you for having me sweetie, just a little tip. See, you feel the need to punish yourself by hurting yourself right? And because you find it beautiful?"

 

Haechan nods, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, his hands balled into fists. "Now now, don't be like that. It's very good to know why you do the things you do. That way you can find alternatives" Haechan perks up at that, he never thought about that before 

 

"I suppose you do this, take a red pen and draw instead, it would still look somewhat same. For the punishment thing, what do you dislike eating or anything at all?"

 

"I hate bean sprouts and tomatoes, and I don't like reading novels" he says,"Then each time you feel the need to punish yourself, do those things. Try to get yourself to see them as punishments. It'll take time, but you'll get there eventually." 

 

Haechan cringes at the thought having to eat and do the things he hates but sees her point. He supposed if he actually enjoyed cutting, it wouldn't exactly be a punishment.....huh....

 

"Alright, can I......can I come back sometimes?" Choi noona smiles brightly, he did loved the past hour of simply talking with her, fuck why hadn't he ask for therapy sooner. "Why of course sweetie, you're always welcomed" 

 

Haechan and Choi noona turns to see Felix knocking at the door. He thanked her again and walks out, feeling lighter than the last few weeks.

 

"So, how was it? Your first therapy session" Haechan threw himself at him, hands firmly wrapped around the other's neck "Thank you..." he whispers.

 

_

 

Jisung drags Chenle out of bed, "Lele....Lele.....c'mon....wake up sleepy head" Chenle yawns and stretches his limbs. The two maknaes gets out of bed and slump towards Donghyuck's room. "It's locked" Chenle mumbled. 

 

They wanted to surprise the older by waking him up with a cuddle. Jisung smirks and reach into his pocket and pulls out a key, "You sly brat! Does he know?" Jisung snorts "Despite popular belief, I respect hyung so yes he does. He might have forgotten tho."

 

He unlocks the door and they crept in, the corridor lights aren't on and the room inside is pitch black. It was located on the covered side of the building so the sun couldn't be peek at the windows plus, Hyuck uses thick dark curtains.

And for some reason, the light switches are on the other side of the room, seriouly, what practicality hazzard even?

 

The two had to roam in complete darkness to find the switch first, obviously forgetting they have phones. "What is this smell? Eww...." Chenle whines covering his nose, Jisung sniffs the air and shuddered in disgust "It smells like.....wet rusty metal....." but why would the room smell like that? 

 

"What the? What is this? I can't see!" Chenle feels himself stepping onto wet patches on the floor. "Wait just lemme...." Jisung finally found the switches and flipped them on. And he feels all the colours draining from his body. 

 

His breath cut off at the sight, body and mind going into a horror state of shock too quickly.

 

Chenle with horror eyes stares at his hands,he had kneel down on all fours to touch whatever it was because it didn't feel like water and there's so many.

Now he's staring at his blood-stained hands, and knees. His voice temporarily cut off, he couldn't scream or react. 

 

Jisung falls onto his bum, eyeing the room. A knife and two long thin blades were abandoned not far from where he was, a box next to them was knocked over but the contends barely spilled out. Various kinds of sharp objects, none of them did not have some form of red stain on them. 

 

There are various patches of red on the carpeted flooring where Chenle is, blood....Donghyuck's blood. Too much, so much of it. On the bed, big blots of red, the all too famous book he clung to left opened.

"S-Sung...Ji...Ji...." but he wasn't responding. A lot of scenarios in his head running, none better than the last. 

 

Chenle fought against his crumbling sanity, trying to forget for a few seconds he's got his hyung's blood on him. He clasps his hands onto Jisung's shoulder and with all his might force them out of the room.

 

 It was a miracle that they could pull themselves together for a few more steps, he made them stumble down a few steps of stairs, his eyes pouring out waterfalls of tears. 

 

_He might be dead he might be dead Hyung might be dead_

 

Once his eyes registers Kun, he lets go. Chenle lets himself crumble because god that was his hyung who he was in love with's blood!! There's some on his hands and more on his feet and it shouldn't be there, it should be inside and under skin but no. It wasn't and it's covering him with answers of....of.....

 

_He's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead_

 

His breathing took a turn for the worst and he plummets into darkness. 

 

_

 

For a whole while, the eldest Chinese completely forgotten how to breathe, not when Chenle goes limp in his arms, not when he cleans away the blood and not when he tucks the younger in with assurance that their schedules are changed.

 

Taeyong did the same for Jisung, it wasn't long before Mark's blood curdling scream comfirmed whose blood it was. It was a mess, and they were supposed to shoot a stage in 10 hours? God no, fuck it. 

 

Woojin calmed down, even helping out to calm the young ones enough for them to sleep. Chan talked Mark out of his hysteria, the poor rapper is as bad as Jisung when triggered. He had screamed and his vision is no longer there, his mind kicked into searching for Hyuck and triggers panic once the boy couldn't be found.

 

Hyunjin and Seungmin kept the three 00 liners away from the room despite them protesting and Jeno and Jaemin's almost wanting to use force. But that is handled, Insomiac Seungmin is a scary Seungmin. 

 

"Where is he?! Please?....please where's Hyuck?.....where is he?" Johnny pleaded, "Don't worry, he's at our company building at the moment, getting therapy" Chan supplies, Dooyoung shot up and grabs Johnny and Jungwoo by the colar, shoving them in their shoes and get the car keys. 

 

So many thoughts running through his head, the guilt and pangs of hurt knowing what his unit maknae might have tried to attempt. Was he going to grovel at Hyuck's feet for being an ignorant asshole? Hell yeah he is.

 

"Nuh uh, he stays there and you don't get to see him yet" Woojin's commanding voice booms, its odd how you can't just defy him when uses taht tone. And it drives Dooyoung crazy.

 

 "He's our brother!!! How are you expecting us to sit still when we just saw his blood all over his room?!?!" Dooyojng lashes out but with tears streaming down his face, his hands in a harsh tremble. He can't fail him anymore, he can't let Hyuck down again. Johnny mustered up enough awareness to pull him down into a hug. 

 

"Because he needs time and space away from the people who let him end up in that place in the first place!" Hyunjin screams, had enough of this bullshit that went on for far too long.

 

 "That day, he was with us for like a few hours and even our maknae knew something wasn't right, he was practically crumbling with fear begging us to not tell anyone! Lied to us that all of you knew and are helping him!" 

 

Hyunjin couldn't continue when Seungmin drags him away kicking and screaming, his anxiety rants always had him ending up saying a few things he might regret later. Chan puffs out a breath, he's just so tired of this mess. He was tired of seeing that stupid demon tear lives apart. 

 

"Please.....we need to....i need to see him!" Mark begged, his body curled up next to Taeil, the eldest had his arm around him for comfort. 

 

***Mirror by Stray Kids blasting out***

 

Woojin sighs in frustration and pulls out his phone, ready to yell at whoever was on the other side until he saw it was Jeongin's ID on the screen. He purposely puts the call on speaker and motions everyone else tp shut up.

 

"Hello? What is it Innie?" He knew better than to let his anger show, even if the maknae would've understood.

 

 _"Hyung! Minho hyung and I managed to get Hyuckie hyung to sleep! He still couldn't get himself to eat but we'll try again when he wakes up"_ the youngest of Stray Kids exclaims happily and Woojin fondly smile at the pride in Jeongin's voice on the acomplishment.

 

 _"I was wondering where you keep the extra rolls of bandages? Thinking we could change them cuz the old ones are starting to look......bloody"_ there's cringe in the way he said it, Woojin could distinctly remember the same tone used back when Jeongin admitted to them he had been self-harming. 

 

"Top shelf, right corner in the bathroom cabinet." He could hear a bunch of stomping and wooden creaks _"Found it! Thanks hyung, but do you think it's okay to bring him to the company doc? Just to be sure, they looked really bad, way worse than mine by miles"_

 

Now Jeongin is good at exaggerating. That Woojin knew, but IN knew when to exaggerate and when to not. And the very fact he knew exactly what Jeongin's past case looks like doesn't help the picture forming in his minds. 

 

"Just wait for him to calm down first then go, did therapy went well?" Woojin chuckles hearing Jeongin little squeal afterwards _"Yup!! He even arranged a second appointment!"_

 

"That's great! What does......PD says about this?" It wasn't like they could hide anything from that nosy boss. _"He totally says it's okay! The collab and now the mixtape is gaining us some fame so he doesn't mind."_

 

Woojin smiled at his maknae's voice, he could see NCT looking down in a variety of shame, guilt, still in shock, horror and blankness. Then suddenly came Minho's voice.

 

 _"One more thing, tell his hyungs.....do him a favor and don't come and get him"_ It was at that did many faces of protest starts to form but the thought shuts down by the next second.

 

_"I.....I think he's still.....scared....of them....what they might think....he was trashing in his sleep a bit before calming down and....he's begging for their forgiveness......he's scared that they hate him for this"_

 

Taeil got up and left for his room, not a word to anyone. 

 

_"Nothing will be able to convince him otherwise for now. So them barging in here would send him into panic......he's still too fragile to deal with that. I know this is on speaker, so I very damn well hope you will all understand and respect his needs to proceed with recovery"_

 

It was two days later did SM released a statement claiming NCT member Haechan or Lee Donghyuk will be on a short hiatus due to health issues and is excluded from the newest NCT U comeback promotions. 


End file.
